Fustercluck

"Shark Week" from 2012 is like Saw with sharks, except the kidnapping victims here obediently trot from one shark trap to the next like lemmings, instead of just saying, "Nope, I'm not playing this stupid game anymore!" If they did, this idiotic shark challenge hostage horror trash would be over real quick.

No need for spoilers, the poster's tagline spells it all out: 7 Days, 7 Sharks, 1 Survivor.

"Shark in Venice" tosses Indiana Jones, the Mafia, and sharks into a blender and throws in some random Baldwin (seriously, how many of them are there?) as the lead. Add a missing father, a treasure, and dump this whole mess in Venice.

Our hero, Dr. Franks, literally stumbles upon the Medici treasure while diving. The treasure looks like it was cobbled together from the discount bin of a cheap decor store - everything's plastic and covered in thick cotton "cobwebs."

Too bad: Dr. Franks gets chewed up by a shark and radios his fiancée that he's injured. Her reaction is as if someone told her wall plugs were on sale. Even later, the actress seems like she hasn't yet discovered her true calling.

Nothing in this movie makes sense. While diving, characters can effortlessly chat via radio despite wearing scuba mouthpieces. The Venice shots make it painfully obvious: Baldwin was never in Venice - at least not for this film.

To squeeze in some Italian flair, they rented 30 feet of arcade in Bulgaria and cranked out 2½ outdoor shoots there. During a chase scene, they run through the same short arcade that was previously a marketplace, and because the set is so tiny, they just turn around and run back. And then again.

Every scene looks slapdash. A true masterpiece of shark-infested trash cinema.

Bruno Mattei thought to himself: 'What Cameron can do, I can do too!' All the ingredients of Aliens are here: dark corridors, a monster, a beeping motion tracker, an evil corporation, and pale imitations of Ripley, Vasquez, Newt, etc. The result? Shocking Dark.

In Italian film copycat Mattei's version, the whole mess takes place in a contaminated Venice. Some scenes from Aliens were recreated shot-for-shot - just terribly. The monster is basically an intern in a shoddy latex suit, the sets are, once again, some random boiler rooms. Mamma mia!

The Megaforce marines wear uniforms that look like a cross between baseball gear and garbage collector overalls with reflective stripes. This pathetic bunch of so-called soldiers always shuffles around in a tight group, like a class of frightened schoolgirls. And from the very beginning, they're so unlikeable that you immediately wish for them to have a horrifying encounter with the monster. Game over, man! Game over!