Jared X

Stephen Soderburgh's Magic Mike can't even hold a molten candle next to Burlesque, Wes Anderson's newest masterpiece, or Showgirls, their derivative grandmother "classic" by P.T. Barnum Anderson. Each attempts to tells a similar story: a sexy newbie kid emerges from the woodwork like a spring aphid to attack an established old tree – in particular case Cher and reefer-maddened Bongo Boy.

Without being too plot-disclosing, I will attest to the performances, which were authentic and somewhat convincing. I was suffering a severe migraine during Burlesque, which turned out to be a brush with mad cow disease. Therefore, Burlesque wins.

The contest is not betwixt Cher and Matthew McConaughey, but Alexis Pettyfor and Christina Tequilera. Neither can sing, so the competition unfortunately comes down to acting and physical sex appeal. Each manages to charm no-one whilst revolt many. Ali wins by a tattoo.

Where Burlesque rings true, however, is in its essential self-discomfort, whereas Magic Mike is obsequiously and shamelessly narcissistic. When it comes to spreading the love, however ungratifying, Burlesque spreads it like nobody else. Burlesque triumphs.

Mr. Soderburgh would do well to take a few notes from fellow provocateurs Ryan and Brad, namely: go into television instead of the "big" screen. Lose your simulated machismo and embrace your inner queer.

I have been writing reviews now for many years, sometimes implicating innocent but real people as having contributed to the process of making some truly awful films.

I am sincerely sorry for doing so. My affection for good cinema compromised my affection for my friends, who were in no way involved in the movies that I disliked. I was wrong to blame the so-called Hollywood system, and wrong to implicate my friends. I apologize.

Youthful mistakes are not the exclusive province of young people. I am neither young nor beautiful. But I am lucky. I wish only the best for everyone except a few certain individuals who know who they are.

I'm sure this will be a great movie. I only wish somebody would re-make the Bionic Woman as a film starring Miss Diaz, whom I look forward to dating. She did such a great job with Charlie's Angels.

Detour meets Fight Club meets American Beauty (with other obvious nods to Little Shop of Horrors and Il Postino). Novocaine is this year's love letter to Hollywood. Snappy writing, superb acting, and engaging editing. The opening credits alone are worth the price of admission. I doubt anyone who sees it will be disappointed.