- [first lines]
- Jack Bauer: [in voiceover reading the titles aloud] The following takes place between 8:00 P.M./... and sometime Thursday morning/ Events occur in Pacific time
- Jack Bauer: [in voiceover] Right now, I just buried my wife who was murdered by my ex-lover. My daughter is annoying the hell out of me and the Dodgers are losing in the seventh. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer and *this* is the longest day of my life.
- Kim Bauer: Dad! Dad! I need you to come to the back with me, right now!
- Jack Bauer: Kim, honey, I know you're upset.
- Kim Bauer: No, Dad, you don't understand. Something's wrong on this plane! Please, come on.
- Jack Bauer: You've been through a lot, sweetheart...
- Kim Bauer: Dad! You don't understand. The flight attendant's dead!
- Jack Bauer: What?
- Jack Bauer: [standing as plane begins to pitch] I'm a federal agent. I need everybody back to their seats and remain *calm*. We're running outta time. I *will* land this plane safely.
- [to Kim]
- Jack Bauer: It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Air Marshal: [holding badge in Jack's face] Federal Air Marshal. Get back to your seat.
- Jack Bauer: Stand down, I've got this.
- Co-Pilot: [after firing three rounds through the cockpit door, Jack bursts into the cockpit] Who the hell are you?
- Jack Bauer: Name's Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit in Los Angeles.
- Co-Pilot: Well, you just shot the captain, you idiot!
- Jack Bauer: That's not important. I need you to land this plane, now!
- Co-Pilot: We're on approach to LAX.
- Jack Bauer: We'll never make it to LAX.
- Co-Pilot: It's only four miles away.
- Jack Bauer: Listen to me. We're running out of *time*. I need you to set this son of a bitch down on the four-oh-five, now!
- Co-Pilot: In the middle of rush hour?
- Jack Bauer: Listen, you set this goddamn plane down now, or I will!
- Co-Pilot: Go to Hell!
- Nina Myers: Bauer's alive?
- Mandy: What? I *never* miss.
- Nina Myers: There's a last time for everything.
- [turns and shoots Mandy through the heart]
- Nina Myers: Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking.
- Jack Bauer: I should've known. It's *your* ex-girlfriend.
- Tony Almeida: She was never my girlfriend. We just had dinner, and that's after *you* broke up with her. I never screwed her.
- Jack Bauer: Sorry. Your loss.
- Kim Bauer: I can't believe you killed my boyfriend, you crazy bitch.
- Nina Myers: What? These two? Which one's your boyfriend?
- Kim Bauer: That one.
- [nods toward the two bodies]
- Kim Bauer: The cute one.
- Nina Myers: Rick?
- Kim Bauer: Or Dan. He was really... We had a connection.
- Nina Myers: Jack Bauer is the smartest man I know, and you...
- Kim Bauer: Don't talk about my dad because when he finds you, he's gonna kill you and torture you, in *that* order.
- Jack Bauer: Show me what you've got.
- Chloé O'Brian: Vegas was the key. Here she is photographed with Ron Jeremy at a convention, two years ago.
- Jack Bauer: I remember. She was doing blow-bangs undercover. Went by the name of Flick Shagwell. Posed as a British girl. Kinda hot.
- Chloé O'Brian: Yeah, it's thin, but it's all we got.
- Jack Bauer: Bring him in.
- Chloé O'Brian: He's already here. Interrogation room number two.
- Jack Bauer: Hold my murse. I'm gonna have a talk with him... man to hedgehog.
- Ron Jeremy: What's goin' on? Who are you people? Can I call my lawyer?
- Jack Bauer: You'd do better callin' a priest.
- Ron Jeremy: I'm Jewish, jackass.
- Jack Bauer: Then a bishop. Whatever. Point is, you're gonna tell me
- [slams fist on table]
- Jack Bauer: *everything* that I want to know about Nina Myers, or I'm gonna hurt ya. And nobody is going to be able to stop me.
- Ron Jeremy: Okay, Nina Myers. Is she an actress? Does she have an agent? Manager? Does she do anal?
- Jack Bauer: You're gonna tell me everything that I want to know or my voice is going to become *very* unpleasant.
- Ron Jeremy: Your voice already is very unpleasant. Look, you know who the fuck I know. I hang out at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I know rock stars, I fucked four thousand women, my name is on bottles of rum and I can suck my own dick!
- Chloé O'Brian: You know, I was unfairly harsh to you earlier today. I didn't mean anything by it.
- Tony Almeida: Alright, apology accepted.
- Chloé O'Brian: It wasn't an apology, just an observation.