- Joe Rogan: I hate dumb people who are confident. Also wrong. I hate dumb people who are wrong and confident.
- Opening act: I never said it to be racist because I'm not racist! But if I was gonna quote a great Richard Pryor bit, I wouldn't fuck it up by saying "the N word". I would just say the actual word. I thought everybody would understand. But then somebody made a compilation! Of every time I ever said that word over the last fifteen years and they made a youtube video and it turns out that looks racist as fuck! Even to me!
- Joe Rogan: Here's the thing about these words. You can't say them, but I think that's unfortunate. Because I think words are just supposed to be a sound that you make so I know what you're thinking. And I can't wait until we can read minds. 'Cause there's a lot of people out there sayin' "Have a nice day". And they want you to get AIDS. Okay? I don't think the sound you make with your face is our big problem. And I don't think we should ban words.
- Joe Rogan: The back of your hand might be the worst way to figure out what the fuck something is. Like, you ain't getting no good data. Why you touching dicks like that?
- Joe Rogan: Having a strap-on and thinking it's a dick is like having a lighter and thinking you're a dragon.
- Joe Rogan: Here's the thing about jerking off. Everybody does it, but if you get caught, you're a fuckin' loser.
- Joe Rogan: You don't wanna be independent. You don't wanna be that weird guy at the bar telling everybody that gold is the only real currency and all tax is theft.
- Joe Rogan: It's in prison. in California, there's 47 biological males that are housed in women's prisons. A lot of 'em are sex offenders, but that's not really important. What's really important is gender!
- Joe Rogan: I'm open minded. I just want to know what happened. It's almost like a pervert wizard waved a magic spell on the whole world. With a wave of this wand, you can walk through the women's locker room with a hard cock and anyone who complains is a nazi! Abracadabra!
- Joe Rogan: If you want equal love, you have to have equal jokes. 'Cause that's how we find out if you're annoying.
- Joe Rogan: I found out I'm 57% more Neandrathal than regular people. Yeah, I'm fucking handicapped. Europeans killed my people, too. Where the fuck's my casino? I want my cave back!
- Joe Rogan: Once upon a time, giant lizards ruled the earth. Then a rock came from the sky and killed them all. Then a little shrew just kept doing its best. And one day, it became a person.