- Lord Farquaad: [seizes a crown and puts it on] All this hocus pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding and that makes me king. See? See? As for YOU, my wife, I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
- Shrek: No! Actually, you won't!
- [whistles. Farquaad does not notice the low growling of the dragon outside]
- Lord Farquaad: What are you doing, you insolent beast? I'll see you drawn and quartered! I am king! I'll have order!
- [the dragon breaks through the window and breathes fire at Farquaad, roasting him]
- Shrek: I am also an ogre. Haven't you heard the stories?
- Big Bad Wolf: Oh, you mean like the ones that say I'm a big "bad" wolf?
- [the fairytale creatures laugh]
- Wicked Witch: Or the ones that say I'm a "wicked" witch.
- [the fairytale creatures laugh]
- Pinocchio: Or the ones that say I'm a "wooden boy."
- [Everyone is silent]
- Pinocchio: Well, I'm not a wooden boy.
- [His nose grows long]
- Pinocchio: I have a glandular condition.
- Shrek: [opening lines, narrating] Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy. Because ogres like "nasty." On his birthday, his parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents have done hundreds of years before...
- Shrek: PUNCH BUGGY!
- [He punches Donkey's forearm]
- Donkey: OW!
- [He winces in pain]
- Shrek: Mutton cart at three o'clock. Hey y'know, this IS pretty fun. Let's play again!
- Donkey: [begging] NO nononono! You know what? You win! You win. Right now, let's move on to I Spy or I Went on a Picnic or... something that isn't going to put me in a body cast.