Minor Leaguer

Contrary to the title, this movie only contains some references to the sport of hockey. The majority of the film is based on the Guinness book of world records for most profanity in a movie by a retired athlete. I had to pause the film in hopes of seeing a glimpse of a hockey stick or puck in the background. If you watched this movie to see the "finished" flash lace up his hockey skates one last time you will be disappointed. Instead see him attempt to play tennis that culminates in a failed five hole attempt. They spend the next few minutes watching his opponent lay on the ground due to the shot to his groins. I'm pretty sure the writing team had just finished watching their favorite film MXP: Most Xtreme Primate and was inspired. There's nothing like a snowboarding monkey that doesn't talk to give the team that creative energy.

Nivski_5 and I were sitting on the couch and put on Minor Leaguer. We had seen the news of our role model starring in his own movie about our favorite sport. As fellow amateur hockey players we are possibly some of the most experienced critics for this movie. But as Maple Leafs fans we also know a loser when we see one. We all know that LEAFS stands for Loser Even After Forty Seasons. However we didn't need forty seasons to know this bird was cooked. A comedy that comes to mind is Duck Soup starring Groucho Marx. Now there's a comedy for the ages. It was added to the National Film Registry at the Library of Congress in 1990 along with It's a Wonderful Life to be preserved for future generations. Minor Leaguer will fall into the ash heap of history.

And the score is in...Over 170 F-words in 77 minutes. According to Wikipedia that ranks it number 53 for most F-words per minute. Now you have to consider for yourself... what is 5+3? 8! What a touching gesture to the Finnish Flash! Selanne and Hull manage to rack up 50 of the over 170! They manage to beat out Goodfellas and Pulp Fiction. The is done in the foreground of a gender studies course where you can see a female merchandise manager learn about love and hockey from the equipment manager named Sniff. How this affects the plot we do not know but it was a lot cheaper than renting out a hockey rink! Like Norm once said on Conan if it had Carrot Top in it, what was the name of the movie? Box office poison! The same is true for the man from Finland.

As an avid hockey fan, this film was a must-see and I thoroughly enjoyed it. NHL legends Teemu Selanne and Brett Hull are both laugh-out-loud funny in it. Selanne plays an obnoxious egomaniac who buys a minor-pro hockey team. The team captain who idolized him as a kid can't stand him and neither can Hull who sets out to buy an opposing team just to mess with him. There are other great characters as well, including a Gary Bettman imposter and a goofy team equipment manager. The movie takes place during the off-season so there's no hockey action in it but it more than makes up for it with big laughs and an engaging story.

Another one for the sin bin (penalty box)!

Just think I attended all those hockey games, celebrated birthdays at his restaurant in Laguna, and watched his banner go up in the rafters... He may be a class act in person but his frequent use of the f word in this film certainly knocked his reputation down in my book. As I referenced in the header, he certainly does not resemble the Teemu we all know and love. Hockey is often a breath of fresh air from the vile reputations and behavior of NBA and NFL players. It's a place to see talented men challenged each other for the possibility of raising the greatest trophy in sports. In my eyes the greatest example of professional and sportsmanship conduct in hockey was Teemu Selanne. His behavior both on and off the ice served as a role model for the next generation. I hope his fans don't get the chance to see this. I'll leave you with a joke better than this movie... What does the Minor Leaguer movie and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice! Wait! That isn't funny.... well, neither was this movie.