- Jim Gaffigan: [about having a fourth child] You want to know what it's like to have a fourth? Just imagine you're drowning, and then someone hands you a baby.
- Jim Gaffigan: No one admits to going to McDonald's. They sell six billion hamburgers a day. There's only 300 million people in this country. It's like, I'm not a calculus teacher, but I think everyone's lying.
- Jim Gaffigan: I've been trying to swim a lot, you know? You always hear swimming's the best exercise, but have you seen how fat whales are? Whales, they're like swimming all the time! It's not working, whales!
- Jim Gaffigan: [on whales not being fat, but having blubber] And I thought calling myself big-boned was a cop-out.