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This is a horrible movie but it can be horribly fun if you watch it with friends, and you just make jokes and laugh about how stupid the movie is, which I'm pretty sure is exactly what the intention of the film's producers was.

Basically this movie is about a huge earthquake which somehow opens up a sinkhole in the earth but it also simultaneously somehow awakens a colony of ancient and incredibly dangerous, deadly poisonous and aggressive spiders.

That really sums it up. The story doesn't really have any surprises and all the shocks and scares you will see coming a mile away. But there are a lot of fun moments and so bad they're funny death scenes. Pretty much every possible way you could picture spiders killing someone is covered in this movie.

Stupid, mindless fun.

So, OK I've watched about a dozen of these Sy Fy, Asylum, low rent films in recent weeks because (well I hate myself) and it wasn't until I came to this one that I realised what is wrong with most of these films.

OK yes the effects are bad and the acting can be hit and miss, some of that comes down to the script. But what the main crime seems to be is that they're boring.

A film about giant fire breathing water walking flesh eating spiders who emerge from a crack in the earth caused by an earthquake shouldn't really be dull. It should at least be energetic enough that plot and reality don't matter.

What happens though is, as these films are made for TV they are made and written in 9-13 sections. They are disjointed because each section has to have something to keep the audience coming back, so an attack or bit of flesh every 10 minutes or so.

As a result the films are badly paced and the characters don't develop naturally, meaning you get massive contrast in attitude and pace because they're filling time until the next Ad break.

Id go a step further and suggest that the films aren't even written in one go, the 4 or 5 big scenes (the opening, first attack, heroes attack, finale etc) are written first in a way that 'works' and the rest is filled in, so you end up with often long dull exposition scenes explaining why the action that they need to happen next is about to happen.

You end up with lots of scenes of people driving saying "hey it must be because A,B and C so there fore we must now go and do X, Y and Z).. and then that happens.

There's nothing wrong with building your film to fit the broadcast format, in fact its sometimes better to factor in Advert when editing a TV movie like so many TV dramas do, but the problem is that filling in between the breaks has to be worth it, not just a semi cliff hanger.

Now I know I haven't mentioned the film specifically in this review very much and the reason is, it's THAT forgettable. I watched so many of these recently that they blend into one... I think the kid from Terminator was in this or maybe Malcom McDowell as he'll do anything... but other than that it was forgettable.... oh and throw in a hot blond in denim shorts Boring, forgettable and ignorable... they should start calling these films Slow Budget Movies

Flipped the stations, came across this title and decided to cheaply entertain myself. I used to watch movies like this all the time just for the hell of it (though once in a rare while, there's a gem in all the rubble).

When I looked at who was in this movie - Tracey Gold, Ethan Phillips, and Edward Furlong among others - I already knew this was going to be one of THOSE movies. It was more out of seeing what Furlong was doing and what the spiders looked like more than anything that kept me tuned in. The spiders are as atrocious as any bad movie "monster". Even in 2012 and on TV, this was seriously poor.

Furlong looked bad as anyone would suspect. His acting (which to me was never all that great to begin with) was terrible and he was seriously miscast.

I made it halfway through and decided to just watch the rest, knowing full well this will be the last time I watch this garbage movie. Predictable and nothing greatly original, but if you enjoy bad movies like this, by all means - but this is pretty much as bad as it gets.

Arachnoquake (2012)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

The latest film to debut on the SyFy channel has New Orleans being hit by an earthquake, which causes the ground to crack open and soon large, pink spiders are attacking people. Those expecting a fun monster mash are going to be disappointed because this film is pretty bad from the word go and it never picks up any speed. You know, I understand that horror films need dumb characters to do dumb things but there's a certain line you shouldn't cross in terms of dumbness and this film crosses that line and makes it's own new line. I really couldn't believe how stupid all of these characters were. So, you see a giant pink spider coming at you so what do you do? Well, of course, you pick it up. There are six or seven small spiders about the size of a baseball card coming after you so what do you do? Step on them? You'd think so but the characters here just jump around like little children. The entire film pretty much doesn't have an ounce of brains going for it and this doesn't cause any "fun" but instead it makes you grow more and more aggravated because the characters just become annoying. Tracey Gold gives a decent performance here and it's a shame her character wasn't a lead. Edward Furlong from T2 fame is on hand here playing the father (!?!?) of two teenagers. He really doesn't give a "good" performance but it was fun seeing him again. ARACHNOQUAKE is pure dumbness from start to finish but there are a few good moments with most of them being the bubble, explosion and gore that happens when a spider starts to come out of a human body. It's a shame that the director and writer didn't exploit this a little bit more and given fans more bang for their buck. The CGI effects are obviously very cheap but I thought the design of the spiders were nice. Still, this is certainly a film that can be skipped as there are much better killer spider movies out there.

After surviving a viewing of this, my impression is that this is one of those movies that was filmed simultaneously as the script was still being written - you know, "Okay, we're done with Scene 10... hurry up and finish writing scene 11... we begin shooting it tomorrow." This explains why characters seem to drop into the story with no explanation or background, like when the National Guard just happens to be on the scene of a spider attack... did somebody call them or were they just driving through the area at the time?

There are too many "conveniences" in the plot. Tracey Gold's character just happens to be an expert on arachnology, the Guardsman's daughter just happens to be aboard the bus they are trying to rescue. Add to this the hammed-up acting and what you get is a cast of cardboard characters you have no empathy for.

And what is it with that background music? The generic "scenes of peril" film score runs at full volume throughout the majority of the movie!

Since the IMDb ratings system only allows whole numbers, I give this a "1." If it were possible I would award it an extra half point for (unintentional) comedic value for the scene of the final showdown with the giant cheap-CGI spider.

In short, this is another movie I highly recommend...

...that you avoid.

This is definitely the best SyFy movie I have seen. It has all the usual things these movies have, a useless military, a female scientist, a hot girl and the hunky star. Unfortunately, about half of the movie has no reason to exist. They run their boat onto the ground and abandon ship, implying that the boat wouldn't move. After running from spiders for an hour they go back to the boat and leave. Still not bad for this type of movie.

I do not mind low-budget movies at all, in fact some are entertaining. However I do dislike it when a movie comes across as so cheap and literally brainless that you are annoyed by it. Sadly that was the case with Arachnoquake. It is not SyFy's worst, not by a long shot, but it is really not one of their more tolerable ones either. There is one redeeming quality however, and that is the decent, if not great, performance of Tracey Gold. The remaining actors give the impression that they don't want to be there and don't show much if any chemistry with one another. That is especially true of Edward Furlong who spends his screen time looking stiff and bored, and with his shockingly bloated appearance time has not been kind to him. In all fairness though, they are not helped by the characters they play. I don't mind if a character is clichéd, as long as they are well-written. That wasn't the case with Arachnoquake, every single character here is shallow and made to do stupid things that makes you annoyed with them fast. The only exception is the Superman imitation, which was actually quite fun, but little moments like this are like sprinkles of fun in a vast sea of truly horrible. Nor are the actors helped by the script, which even for SyFy is so cheesy that it becomes too much and in the end doesn't give them much to do, or the story, which is very thin, unsurprising and lacking in any kind of atmosphere. The film even manages to look cheap, with the editing very hackneyed and the spider effects crude and artificial in look. The spiders are lacking in any kind of presence, let alone menace, that if you want to be scared, enthralled or even have your phobia of spiders cured then you may want to look elsewhere, as Arachnoquake manages to do neither. All in all, very poor, cheap, intelligence-insulting and badly written and acted. 1/10 for Gold and the Superman imitation. Bethany Cox

Arachnoquake is good for a SyFy movie but that's not saying much. The acting is atrocious by all and Edward Furlong was probably the worst, the storyline is nonexistent, and the spiders look like they were designed and created by a 6 year old.

It receives 3 stars because a couple of lines and moments gave me a good laugh (I don't know if it was intended or not) and the sister was super sexy so she gave me something to look at when the other actors were spewing out one garbage line after another.

After saying all that, Arachnoquake is still one of the better SyFy movies I've seen recently which is saying something for how awful these movies can be.

Much like a 10 car pile up on the highway - I felt compelled to watch this movie to the very end... I feel terrible for all the people who actually watched the whole movie. When I arrived home and it was on and then I saw Edward Furlong so I thought I'd give it a chance. I have absolutely no problem with low budget productions - I get that sometimes the funding for someone's dream or vision just isn't available. The acting, storyline and the 'CGI' was so bad that I actually took the time to register on IMDb to leave a review. What pleases me about watching this movie is that I'm now registered on IMDb and can leave reviews for movies truly worth my time. The end.

This movie is God damn beautiful. From acting to CGI to story it's all extremely bad. It's hilarious how almost nothing is connected or makes any sense. I absolutely love that someone thought this was a great idea to make into a movie. I imagine it went like this: "Okay Mark I have a great concept for a movie." "Alright tell me about it Jackson" "Okay so, beautiful girly, spiders that can breathe fire and of course someone dies but comes back to life" "God damnit Jackson this is the best thing I ever heard we should make this into a move." And so this was created, not giving one single thought about the story to fil in the spaces between the girl and the spiders. 8/10 because it's a miracle that something like this was even made into a movie and because of the hilarious acting and the nonexistent story. It's a masterpiece.

This is actually not bad for the Syfy channel. If you put aside the fact that these spiders come from an earthquake and have been buried under the earth for who knows how long, I guess mutating, plus that they can breath fire, well it is entertaining. I have always liked Tracy Gold and she appears to have aged pretty well, especially considering her past problems. More power to her!!!!! Some of the scenery,(the pretty girls), is very nice and I know that sounds sexist but I am an old guy who likes pretty women. Of course there is the machismo from the men but hey what can you expect from a B movie?? I have never seen spiders that are so white but again this is Syfy.

ARACHNOQUAKE

Yes... it is as bad as it sounds.

This film is brilliant for comedy value. It is a B-movie with b-movie acting and b-movie effects.

The film is about a lot of giant fire breathing spiders running wild killing people.

The story is terrible. Nothing really makes any sense. Nothing is explained.

The acting is so bad in this film, it is no wonder I have not heard of most of the cast... but there is one famous face in this. Edward Furlong... oh dear. His career has gone downhill. The thing is, he is a good actor. I obviously loved him in Terminator 2, and he also made a fantastic movie called Brainscan... But I don't know what he was thinking when he agreed to be in this. His acting is as bad as everyone elses!

Also, in this movie his character is married with 2 children... his wife looks old enough to be him Mum and his 2 kids look old. I mean, it looks like he had these 2 kids when he was 8 years old! I can't help but think that casting was not very good.

There was some brilliant comedy moments in this. If you like movies that doesn't really take itself too seriously, then you will love this.

I really enjoyed it, but only because it had me laughing at it from beginning to end.

I will give this film 5 out of 10.

But it only gets that rating because I have not laughed that much for a long time.

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Another entry in the trash of SyFy flicks. I only gave it a shot because Edward Furlong was in it, you know, the young dude from Terminator 2 (1991). From the beginning the spiders are on-screen and that was rather okay because the action came in from the beginning. But on the other hand it looked ridiculous due the CGI used.

In the beginning the spiders are rather small and believable but once they are throwing fire (CGI) towards humans it becomes laughable. After that the spiders become bigger and bigger and it all ends with a King Kong situation.

The story if there was any was stupid and the acting wasn't convincing at all. If you pop up a beer with friends then you will laugh a lot but further this doesn't give us anything at all.

Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5

The fact that this movie even made it on SyFy, lowers the credibility of the entire network. I look at SyFy as a channel that plays the worst low budget films in the world.

This one is truly the worst, seeing as how they almost never shoot the guns or even try to when the spiders come up to them. And is the only way for people to die by tripping over a branch? The old bald man that apparently was injured, actually tripped on a tree branch.. Get over it.

Pathetic movie. Low budget films can clearly convey a message with decent graphics and actions, such as that Islamist film that created a huge buzz in the middle east. But this piece of crap only gets the honor to be shown on Syfy.

I guess the SyFy Channel thought they were on to something when they decided to make ARACHNOQUAKE, a combination of two of their preferred genres - the monster movie and the disaster flick. It's a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of movie, in which various characters are menaced by prehistoric underground spiders released thanks to some earthquake action. Oh, and said spiders can breathe fire...

Yep, it's as silly as it sounds, and the execution couldn't be cheesier. There are CGI spiders running galore and none of them are remotely convincing. Sadly, ARACHOQUAKE also fails to be fun for the most part. It tries and fails to incorporate influences from the Grindhouse-style opening to events and stylistics copied from PIRANHA 3D, but it just can't catch a break. The humour's dumb and the characters dumber, and you end up just waiting for things to finish.

There are a few past-it actors who've been rounded up to appear here, including TERMINATOR 2's Edward Furlong. Now, I know Furlong has aged quite badly over the years, but to be cast as the father of a teenage girl and husband of a 40-something wife is just ridiculous. None of the other cast members fare better, but you can hardly blame them when the characters are so thinly-drawn. Sadly, ARACHNOQUAKE is a film that fails as both a disaster AND a monster movie.

Life would be so much easier and less stressful if everybody would ask themselves the simple question "Why not?" more often. For example: do I really want to waste my time and eyesight on a clearly lousy creature-feature with computerized effects? Is it absolutely necessary to see Edward Furlong sink even deeper than he already has? Should the poor city of New Orleans really serve as location for another dreadful disaster? The answer to all these questions should be: "Yes, why not!". Wait maybe until a Friday evening and reward yourself with some brainless SyFy-channel junk. Your workweek was already hard and long enough, so why exhaust your mind even further with intelligent and complex thriller when you can just as easily relax with a dumb movie about over-sized, pink and blind spiders crawling out of the concrete after an earthquake in New Orleans! The spiders couldn't look more fake. They are bright pink and smooth as a baby's bottom. They actually look more like shaven ants. Rule number one if you're making a horror flick about spiders: they have to look hairy, hideous and menacing. I'm sure even the cheapest computer program can come up with something better than this? The characters in "Arachnoquake" are your average and typical bunch of stereotypes, including a dim-witted tour guide turning into a hero, a hot but insignificant blond girl, a loud-mouthed black jock, etc. Edward Furlong, 35-years-old at the time, supposedly has adult children of his own but abandons them in favor of driving a bus full of sexy high-school cheerleaders (that part I actually believed). It's a lousy and incredibly foolish film without any redeeming values, but at least you'll laugh out loud and forget about your worries for a good hour and a half; - that's also worth something.

Sometimes you just want to watch something light and silly, you know? Something you don't need to actively engage with, something you can put on and just kind of leave it be. I recognize a kinship between 'Arachnoquake' and the low-grade genre flicks of the 1950s, with the concept being more important than anything else - really, anything else at all. Writing, direction, acting, effects, and any basic craftsmanship of the feature all become passé after the core concept has been cemented, and one or two recognizable stars are attached. In this case get "earthquakes and spiders," Edward Furlong, and Ethan Phillips, and after that, anything goes. With that said, sure, this is simply intended to be a ridiculous romp, a horror-comedy built for fun. There's just one problem: it's not fun.

The utmost spirit of generosity only extends so far in light of dialogue, scene writing, direction, otherwise storytelling, and even sound effects that totally forgo any intelligence. One or two inclusions are marginally clever, maybe, but only one or two, and never enough to amount to anything. The CGI isn't the worst I've seen, but it's still pretty bad; of everything, it's actually gunfire, at the climax, that is the most terrible of all, even more than the giant spiders. The cast do their best (mostly) to infuse sincerity into the picture that it does not deserve, but there are definitely too many instances of abject overacting. (In fairness, it's not necessarily their fault, since the material is so weak, and Griff Furst's direction so unconvincing.) Bless them for trying, and at least having a good time, even though that enthusiasm isn't passed on to the audience. Meanwhile, every now and again 'Arachnoquake' struggles with basic internal consistency. And while the central idea might get a pass from suspension of disbelief with a skeptical "Okay, sure" - alongside the screenplay's weak-kneed attempt to cobble together scientific reasoning for the course of events - the sheer number of attributes assigned to the arachnids herein blows apart one's willingness to "just go with it."

To the credit of those behind the scenes, any practical effects and tangible creations look really great. Blood, gore, special makeup, and other fabrications are just swell. To the extent that it applies, I appreciate the production design and art direction. Would that there were any other meaningful praise I could impart; even the best efforts of the cast just don't cut it.

I think there was a real possibility that this could have been enjoyable. If the story and screenplay had been developed a little more, and some of the outrageousness sagely omitted, 'Arachnoquake' could have been entertaining on at least a very rudimentary level. Instead, if one hasn't completely checked out well before the halfway point, then one can only heave a tired, dubious sigh at every further beat and inclusion to greet us. "Light and silly" is one matter; this is just plain bad. Whatever it is you think you might get out of this SyFy TV movie, you are mistaken. Just don't bother.

When a series of earthquakes releases a violent breed of spider into New Orleans, a tourist group and several others band together to fight off the deadly creatures before they wreak havoc on the city.

This was a slightly silly and goofy Sci-Fi Channel creature feature that actually has some good points to make it worthwhile. One of the biggest aspects here comes from the frantic, continuous plot on display, with the spiders out and about quite early it makes for a lot of action to come from their encounters. Even though there's no deaths present, the attack on the tour bus is a lot of fun with their first appearance driving this one along a nice scene and makes the most of it with several rather big action scenes followed off this one including a fantastic scene in a convenience store and a rather suspenseful one later on in a stranded bus along a lonely highway that's quickly overrun by the creatures that's a lot of fun watching it slowly get covered with webbing. Other stand-outs include the numerous encounters and chases in the swamps around the city as there's plenty of gunfights with the creatures, a rather impressive autopsy sequence where we finally get a handle on the creatures and a chance to see that they have some nifty powers that add to the fun here, as well as getting some suspenseful moments throughout here. While the finale is far out-of-place in the film it has plenty of cheesy action here with the military encounters attempting to stop it and the final resolution to stopping it is pure cheesy fun. Aside from the action, there's also a lot to like with the spiders here being far more involved and given much more here than expected going into their backstory and society which not only gives them a logical reason for being here as well as having a nice bit of knowledge about the creatures. These here are enough to hold this off from the few small problems here, which start with the actions of the finale. It doesn't really have a lot of purpose being there other than to fill the cheese quotient even more, but that doesn't make it seem coherent in the narrative of the story. It comes from out of nowhere here and really just seems awkward at times in terms of what happens elsewhere in the rest of the movie and it feels a little underwhelming. As well, there's also the fact that this one features a really irritating ploy here with the family members continually getting to bag on the guy here for what is obviously out of his control for no reason here and this one feels too repetitious here in the later half of the by keeping up this lame storyline here. The ability of this one jumping to conclusions in blaming him for what's going on is such a stretch that it becomes laughable to assume that kind of action was the result of what he was being accused of and it goes deep enough into here that it does become a problem. Overall, this was a decent enough entry with some minor problems.

Rated R: Graphic Violence and Language.

This is how to make an ultra cheap horror movie. The director saw what he had to work with, which can charitably be described as nothing, and made the most of it. Nothing in this movie is taken seriously. The talent-free acting is played for laughs. The ineptly written script is played for laughs. The special-class special effects are played for laughs. The brilliantly unscientific science is played for laughs. Even the elevator-reject soundtrack is played for laughs. It just works.

Seven stars for everyone involved having a few laughs blowing the thousand dollar production budget before returning to their day jobs at Arby's.

An uncommon earthquake strikes New Orleans and leaves some huge cracks in the earth. City officials must be on vacation, because these holes are unattended. Or, it's possible city workers have been attacked by a side effect of the earthquake, while arriving with their orange cones and yellow "caution" tape. These would be an increasing army of creepy, cartoon-like spiders. These creatures start out smaller than an egg, but they get bigger as the movie progresses. Fire seems to stop them dead in their tracks, but they also emit fire of their own. Very soon, the city of New Orleans is crawling with spiders. They must be stopped, before they suck the life out of everyone in the cast...

As far as cheap Syfy TV movies go, this one isn't too bad. Knowing how this sort of assignment works, director Griff Furst dispenses with mystery and suspense and goes for silliness and excitement. He earns opening points with an interesting usage of eggs and a truck's mirror. Young women in tight denim shorts are a recurring image. While not scientifically sound ("queen" spider?), the story uses a standard structure. Leading actor Bug Hall (as Paul) is attractive and athletic. He jumps around like a super-hero and "Bug" is a great name for a Syfy leading man. He also acts very convincing in the opening, as a still slightly buzzed young man leaving a "one night stand" sex pick-up...

While not billed first, Mr. Hall is definitely the star of "Arachnoquake". Two billed above Hall in the credits are Tracey Gold as an asthmatic zoology schoolteacher and Edward Furlong as a school bus driver. This must be because Ms. Gold and Mr. Furlong were considered bigger stars. Others in the cast have more fun. Arguably, Hall's main co-star is Olivia Hardt (as Petra). In the tight denim shorts contest, she comes in second. This story should have been improved by combining the two buses into one group. Everyone could have fit quite comfortably in Hall's tour bus. Also, it's strange that nobody in the crew knew much about spiders. Granted, they don't breathe fire, either.

***** Arachnoquake (2012-06-23) G.E. Furst ~ Bug Hall, Olivia Hardt, Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong