- Mr. Studebaker: Muldoon, your wife still got you by the balls? I'm sorry buddy I thought she was in remission.
- Danah 'Koosh' Koushani: Wait, is this a meet cute?
- Alyssa Nielsen: Not a fucking chance.
- Danah 'Koosh' Koushani: Fair enough.
- Benj Nielsen: Why are you being so nice to me?
- Alyssa Nielsen: I don't know. I think I have a concussion.
- [dropping them off at school]
- Dennis: Beats riding the bus, doesn't it? Hey, you know what? I've been thinking. If you wanna tell people I'm your dad, I'm cool with that.
- Eddie: I think I'm okay.
- Dennis: Alright If you need anything, give me a call. I'll be at home, hanging out in your mom.
- Eddie: You know what, Dennis?
- Dennis: What's up?
- Eddie: Shut the fuck up. I am not the guy you think I am, Dennis. Not anymore. I've changed. I've seen some shit and not like a war vet has seen some shit. I'm talking actual shit dripping down the walls of this stupid-ass car you love so much.
- Dennis: I don't know what any of that means.
- Eddie: Let me break it down for you. The other night, I took your car out, and I had the hottest girl in school in the back seat.
- Dennis: Fuck yeah!
- Eddie: And then she sprayed dookie all over it. I cleaned it as best I could, but I bet if you close your eyes, you could still detect a hint.
- Dennis: Eddie, if... if... if that's true, that is a serious betrayal of my trust.
- Eddie: What? Are you gonna tell on me?
- Dennis: Yeah, I... Actions have consequences, okay? So I'm gonna have to tell your mom.
- Eddie: Great. I'll come with you. Who do you think she's gonna side with? Her little angel or the most suspicious-looking motherfucker on earth?
- Dennis: The angel.
- Eddie: What'd you say?
- Dennis: The angel.
- Eddie: Oh. That's what I thought. From now on, put some respect on my name.
- Dennis: I respect you. I always have.
- Eddie: [getting out of the car] Yeah, fu... Gimme that sandwich
- [he takes a bite of the sandwich and gets out of the car]
- Connor: I'm so sorry, but, um, I think the child lock is on. Can I get some help?
- Dennis: Yeah.