- Jonathan Barnavelt: Have a look around, it's perfectly safe...
- [a tentacled monster opens a door, Jonathan shoves it back]
- Lewis Barnavelt: THAT's safe?
- Jonathan Barnavelt: As long as it's fed.
- [while Jonathan is playing the saxophone]
- Mrs. Zimmerman: [to Lewis] Be a dear - fetch a knife and stab me in the ears.
- Lewis Barnavelt: But, Uncle Jonathan, don't I have to have dinner before I'm allowed to have cookies?
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Well, why not just eat cookies for dinner? They're far more delicious.
- Lewis Barnavelt: I know. It's just, we had these house rules.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Well, not in this house. There's no bedtime, bath-time or meal-time. You can eat cookies till you throw up for all I care. You'll see. Things are quite different here.
- Lewis Barnavelt: This all feels weird.
- Florence Zimmerman: What's wrong with weird? Weird's like the nuts in my cookies. It's the nuts that make things interesting.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [to Lewis] I can give you the right books, teach you the right spells, but that last 1%, that's up to you.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: There's a clock in the walls. We don't know what it does, except... something horrible.
- [first lines]
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [writing letter] Dear Lewis: Enclosed, please find one bus ticket and two silver dollars for your trip to Michigan. I'm really sorry about the loss of your parents. Your mom was my sister, so that makes you family. And I'll do my best to make you feel right at home. As Einstein said, life is like a bicycle. To stay balanced, you got to keep moving forward. And so will we. I look forward to meeting you. Your Uncle Jonathan. PS Sorry for the stain on the letter. That's chocolate.
- Lewis Barnavelt: So, how long have you lived next door to Uncle Jonathan?
- Florence Zimmerman: Oh, we've been friends forever, ever since I came here. Ran here, actually. From Paris. After the War.
- Florence Zimmerman: [notices Lewis giving her a sly grin] And NO, to answer that look you're giving me, your uncle and I aren't anything kissy-faced.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [in another room, but he overheard that] Gross!
- Mrs. Hanchett: [early one night] You've been playing your saxophone again.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Madame, not everyone can appreciate the intricacies of a free-form jazz odyssey.
- Mrs. Hanchett: I don't care what you play. But you're playing at 3:00 in the morning, so I'm begging you.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: I'll try to keep it down around 3:00 a.m. But, uh -- them's my best jammin' hours!
- Mrs. Zimmerman: [talking to Lewis, about Isaac Izard] All he said was he was lost in the Black Forest. Now, that is a very old place with very old magic. It's where the Brothers Grimm wrote their histories.
- Lewis Barnavelt: You mean fairy tales?
- [Zimmerman gives him a sly look with knowing smile]
- [the clock strikes]
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Three gongs... last time it was four. What happens when it gets down to one?
- Mrs. Zimmerman: Nothing good, that's for certain.
- [last lines, when the Griffin's topiary waste splat onto the Chair with The End card]
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Bad kitty! Use the litter box!
- Jonathan Barnavelt: We don't know where the clock is or what it does, except something horrible. No, we gotta do the responsible thing: lie to the kid.
- Lewis Barnavelt: [after preparing for Issac Izzard to come] Uncle Jonathan. This is my fault.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Lewis, you helped us. You're the one who decoded the blueprints.
- Lewis Barnavelt: No. I mean I'm the one who brought Isaac back.
- Mrs. Zimmerman: Lewis?
- Jonathan Barnavelt: What are you talking about?
- Lewis Barnavelt: I opened the cabinet. I used your book. I-I'm so, so, so sorry.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: No, you couldn't have. You don't know enough magic to pull off a spell like that.
- Lewis Barnavelt: I just followed the directions. I bled onto the book.
- Mrs. Zimmerman: Oh, Lewis. Blood magic?
- Jonathan Barnavelt: That was my one rule.
- Lewis Barnavelt: I-I know. I'm sorry.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: And you broke it?
- Lewis Barnavelt: I didn't mean to.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: So you opened a forbidden cabinet and performed an unholy ritual on accident?
- Lewis Barnavelt: I didn't know Isaac was evil. You never told me.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: Oh, so this is my fault?
- Lewis Barnavelt: I didn't say that.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [furious now] Then what are you saying? What the hell were you thinking?
- Lewis Barnavelt: [sobbing now] I just wanted Tarby to be my friend again. And I want my parents back. And I figured, if it worked here, I could go home and try it on them. I just want my mom.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [more calmly] I'm sorry. It was a mistake. You coming here.
- Jonathan Barnavelt: [on Isaac meeting his teacher in the Black Forest]
- [deeply concerned]
- Jonathan Barnavelt: That Wasn't A Warlock
- [now distressed]
- Jonathan Barnavelt: It Wasn't Even Human... That Was A Demon... YOU RECKLESS IDIOT
- Isaac Izard: [chuckles] Yes Azazel The Fourth Prince Of Hell
- Isaac Izard: I'm going to perform the greatest magic trick of all time! I'm going to make people
- [motions actions]
- Isaac Izard: disappear...
- [performs process]
- Isaac Izard: ... Spin the world back to the beginning
- Isaac Izard: Please, Jonathan. I taught you everything you know. I didn't teach you everything I know.