- Kurt: I want to clarify something. I can't kill someone. I can't. But I wanna help. I'll dig the hole.
- Melanie Miller: We'd probably be fucking right now if it weren't for my situation below deck.
- Ben: [uncomfortable] Oh. Oh, yeah?
- Melanie Miller: Ok, I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with beast inspection.
- Melanie Miller: I think they have incredible cuisine at Hooters, but most people don't notice 'cause of all the massive tits.
- Barry Burke: I know, the tits are distracting.
- Melanie Miller: Sorry they're only B-cup, but actually I can swell to a C when I'm menstruating.
- Desmond: That's... disgusting.
- Barry Burke: My god. I never thought I'd say this to a lady, but I can't wait until your time of the month!
- Melanie Miller: [to Rachel] I used to have a rat named Rachel!
- Rachel: [repulsed] Um... cool?
- Rafe: [repulsed] That's a detail.
- Leslie - Speed Dater: [to Barry] I'm sitting across from you. I hear the words coming out of your mouth.
- Desmond: [stepping between Leslie & Barry] Look, if it's any consolation, he's always like this.
- Melanie Miller: I'm a sushi slut!
- Ben: How does that manifest itself?
- Melanie Miller: I'm a whore for sushi.
- Goker: Your favorite book is the novelization of the Bill Murray classic 'Stripes'. It's one of my favorite books! I did not care for the movie.
- Barry Burke: But that is neither here nor there.
- Goker: No, no, my friend. That is both here and there.
- Barry Burke: [surprised] You're giving me shit? He's the one trying to get laid at his Dad's funeral!
- Barry Burke: Everyone knows you're too busy chasing around random skanks to spend time with your son.
- Barry Burke: Any guy would gladly get up to his nuts in her guts, okay? That's not up for dispute here.
- Goker: I do not sell women to men who hate women! We do not sell bitches! If we did, it would be called Goker's Mail Order Bitches!
- Goker: Here at Goker's we are not about business. First and foremost, we are about love, passion, romance, fucking, okay? Hot fuck action at a really reasonable price.