Night Claws

Goofballs in the woods try to figure out what happened to a couple of dumbbells who died violently last night.

Lots of talk and other bulls**t. It takes a long time for more of these in-bred scumbags to buy it, and predictably, there's no monster to be found. Why do all these half-wit directors make the same kinds of movies? They want to create, but all they do is regurgitate. Jesus, take a lesson from my words, you greasy dildos.

Just another small-time attempt to cash in on interesting subject matter, followed up with just another small-time failure.

Avoid this tripe. Go to YouTube and watch the Leonard Nimoy 'In Search Of' episode about Bigfoot instead.

NIGHT CLAWS opens with two amorous young people being turned into human salsa by the hairy horror of the title! The next day, we're introduced to Sheriff Joe Kelly (schlock omni-god, Reb Brown!), and his deputy, Roberta Glickman (Sherrie Rose). Police are stumped as they sift through the various body parts.

Meanwhile, a trio of hunters are tracking the creature, and a group on a survival training hike are introduced. Many deaths ensue, as the hunters are hunted and the hikers find survival to be... difficult. This Bigfoot isn't just deadly, it's fast!

Enter Professor Sarah Evans (Leilani Sarelle), who has been sent in by the government to assist Kelly and company.

Oh my!

A group of local youths have decided to have a beer bash in the woods! Will anyone be around to be hungover in the morning?

As killer yeti movies go, this one isn't a total disgrace. After all, what are we expecting, Macbeth? The monster isn't all that terrifying, but gets the job done. Gorehounds will be ecstatic over its gushy attacks! The twist near the end is trumpeted a bit too soon, but still works well enough.

Watch for Frank Stallone in a cameo....

"Night Claws" looks like it was really fun to make, with David A. Prior meeting a lot of his old friends again. At this point Prior had pretty much retired, but a young producer by the name of Fabio Soldani gave him some money and sent him back to those woods in Mobile, Alabama where he filmed roughly 102% of his movies. Hell, by this point I'm pretty sure I could be a tour guide in that town. Unfortunately, as fun as this reunion must have been, the joy doesn't translate well to the screen.

This movie is supposed to be about Bigfoot, but he's really just an afterthought. His plot remains unresolved and we barely ever see him. For some reason creature features often have the tendency to add human villains as well, which never works and just takes up precious screen-time from the monster we actually want to see. To add insult to injury, this movie looks really ugly. Most of it is shot day-for-night, which really shouldn't be that obvious when shot by a director who's been at this for three decades. There are amateur films on YouTube who use this technique far better than "Night Claws", which is not a ringing endorsement.

That's not to say the movie is completely without enjoyable moments. The climax is very low on Bigfoot, but high on laughable plot twists and unexpected deaths. Everyone's favorite Norm MacDonald punchline Frank Stallone shows up from nowhere for a cameo so brief I'm pretty sure he left his engine running. Sherrie Rose co-stars as a deputy, but looks way more like a stripper. The best part has got to be the unknown Art James though, who gives us some great line readings as the town drunk who tells us everything about Bigfoot (in exchange for alcohol, naturally). This movie has some decent laughs, but no story progression or coherent action. Given that you don't know what's happening half the time, you'll be looking at the clock regularly.

P.S: The credits read 'no Bigfoots were harmed in the making of this movie'. It deserves an extra star for that at least.

Bigfoot walks around in the forest and kills two young people. Although they have been torn into pieces with incredible strength, the sheriff believes a human killer must be to blame, even if the claw marks seem a bit weird. Several tourists and hunters enter the forest so the beast gets plenty of opportunity to kill more people. Besides, one of the hunters has a personal revenge business going on, for which the beast's attacks will provide enough distraction.

Hard to believe this movie was shot in the 2010s, it is totally 1980s. Which is good. Instead of CGI creatures, you get an old-fashioned monster (tall guy in a hairy suit) walking around, and there are several familiar actors from 80s trash movies (Reb Brown as the sheriff, Frank Stallone, Ted Prior). Simple minded fun mainly for the older supporters of the genre, probably young audiences will like it less.

It's been a while since I've watched a So Bad It's Good type of film, and really, that's all I was hoping this would be. I saw Ted Prior's name, I saw bigfoot in the synopsis, I was in the mood for cheese....what the hell am I waiting for? Let's get going! First off, after starting it, the title calls it Apex-Predator. Whoa, that's even worse than Night Claws....alright!

It doesn't take long for this film to show it's ugly bigfoot head. We got a bad acting right from the get go, and the acting as a whole is what will keep you watching. There may have been one nip slip in the opening scene but nothing else, and there's only minimal blood/make-up effects. So there's no surprises to be had with Apex Night Predator Claws.

Getting back on track and the sole reason to watch this film is to watch the camp. There are a handful of "well-known" B movie actors here, but Reb Brown and Ted Prior stole the show for this guy. When I say "stole the show" I actually mean, kept me from falling asleep. Reb Brown is so amateurish he warmed my heart. He was almost cute with his acting. You could see him remembering his lines, trying to use the correct amount of emotion, it was awesome. He also had a couple funny sequences too. Then we got Ted Prior who is just a hot-blooded, son of a bitch the entire time he's on screen. You get the gist his character is a tough guy, but he takes it one step further and just becomes a jerkoff. So much so, it becomes a positive. He tells his wife in it to shut up at least 5 times. Telling your wife to shut her yap = gold.

So yeah, watch this flick if you truly enjoy camp and/or are a bigfoot enthusiast. If you're neither, pass on this all day long and then some. If you're a little of column A and Column B, I'd say check it out. If you came here looking for any advice on dating, then you've come to the right place. If she talks too much, dump her ass!