- Tiffani: Now, I have a very loose throat, which is important in acting to get the good roles, if you know what I mean. No, I'm kidding. The only thing sucking off a casting director is gonna get you is a trip to the free clinic. I mean, if it worked, Brittany Murphy and I would star in everything.
- Genevieve: Brittany Murphy is dead.
- Tiffani: Really? That's hilarious. Girl knew how to suck a dick. She was like... the cock whisperer. All right, now everyone find a throat partner.
- Dick Dickey: No one ever gave ME a handout. Hm. Paid my dues tracking down deadbeat cancer survivors with unpaid medical bills. Sold my hair, my blood, my semen - anything to scrape together enough money to build Dick Dickie's Drama Camp.
- Dick Dickey: "You will never be an actor." Yeah, that's what they said to me and Donnie Kindle. It was career day at first grade. They said, "Be a fireman, or a policeman - something more realistic and meaningful." Well, Donnie Kindle listened to their advice; he gave up on his dream and he became a cop. Last month I went to his memorial service after he got shot in the face! Now, not everyone here is going to become a star, or open his own drama camp, but I will tell you this: If you give up on your dreams, even if you don't end up with a face full of metal, you may as well be dead!
- Dick Dickey: I don't like sycophants.
- Genevieve: I'm just a serious actress.
- Dick Dickey: I'll be the judge of that.
- Dick Dickey: Penny! Someone crapped in the urinal! Take care of it!
- Penny: Right away! Duty calls. Get it? "Duty." How do I come up with these things?
- Penny: Why would anyone pretend to be straight these days? I thought Neil Patrick Harris changed all that.
- Dick Dickey: Now, as much as I abhor sex, there's nothing I enjoy more than the tender caress of a kissing scene. As an actor you must be prepared to make out with anyone or anything at any given moment. It's a secret I learned in Hollywood on the Internet. Ah! Can I get a volunteer?
- Genevieve: I'll kiss you, Dick.
- Dick Dickey: [over loudspeakers] Today's forecast: Sunny with 100% chance of drama. Competition's near, so remember - second place just means you're the best at losing.
- Penny: [having groped a fellow camper] I can't tell if Benji's dick was big because it was hard or big because it was just a big dick.
- Casey: Well, how dense was it?
- Penny: Normal dense?
- Casey: Okay, like grabbing a frozen turkey leg dense or like grabbing a giant marshmallow dense?
- Penny: I don't know - somewhere in between? - but it could have been his iphone or a shoe for all I know.
- Casey: A shoe? When's the last time you touched a dick, anyway?
- Penny: That was my first.
- Conor: Has it really been seven years since you had sex?
- Dick Dickey: Seven and a half.
- Conor: Mm, I'm seven and a half. Solved.