The Siege

Who ever promised that I would laugh throughout the entire runtime is a liar. Maybe if I'd been higher than a kite, hopped up on acid, taking a psychedelic trip, maybe, just maybe, I might have laughed.

There wasn't an original thought, speech or scene in the entire movie. Others have been there and done this soooooo many times. I have no clue as to who the leads are, and honestly, do not care. Their acting was horrible. The could have been given the best script on the plant and still could not have acted their way out of wet paper bags.

They guy with the muscles should have spent less time in a gym and more time with an acting coach. And then maybe he would be able to move his arms normally. As for the chick, she may be ok in something else, but good grief.

Had a good concept but the execution was severely lacking. Seriously, the synopsis sounds great, and the opening scene sets you up for a ride, but then it all falls apart. It spends too much time with slow, stilted dialog and just a general snail pace. The biggest problem is it wants to be more epic, grander, wilder than it really is.

The main character, who is an impressive hulk of a man, lacks any charisma. His grungy voice and quips, I assume trying to harken back to bygone days of a "man's man" rogue, just didn't work. The other 2 women's characters weren't memorable, either. Not to bust on anyone's acting chops but this wasn't the movie where anybody shines.

The action was a real letdown, so those hoping for a banging good time with bullets flying and explosions will similarly be disappointed. There's minimal gunplay, with the usual "trained assassins/soldiers that can't hit the broad side of a barn" mindlessness, and the fisticuffs are even less impressive. For Stisen's stature, you'd expect him to be out there ripping people new ones but apparently, he's just an average joe when it comes to any physical combat.

Returning to the idea of it wanting to be bigger than it is, there are many over-the-top moments that feel ill-placed. In one scene, the heroes go down a fire escape while a bad guy rains not a hail, but a full-blown hurricane of bullets from a heavy machine gun at them for a good minute. I'm talking 1000+ rounds, and of course every bullet just ricochets off the railings, posing no threat. It's too ridiculous for this movie and feels like they couldn't commit to being too wild (most likely for budget reasons). The movie might've been better had they just gone nuts with it and not have it be such a serious affair.

This is one of those rare gems that literally every aspect of the movie is a fail. The bad acting, awful script, terrible fight choreography and a tired overused cliche of a story line. If they had taken a fraction of the effort on the story as opposed to the main character trying to show off his muscles then maybe this movie could have just been bad. As it is I am struggling to think of a worse movie I have seen, even Battlefield Earth looks like a masterpiece compared to this utter garbage.

Save yourself the hour and bit (seemed a lot lot longer) and skip this utter trash. It gives B movies a bad name.

I promise you will laugh throughout the entire runtime - in between eyerolls and cringes. I can understand and appreciate a low budget, but not even a zero budget would have a lead actor this bad. I can only assume that the wannabe Rambo (complete, with arm and head-band), Daniel Stisen, with mostly uncredited and short-film experience, won the lottery, and paid producers to be cast as a lead action star. The outdated tank-top look - also worn in his previous film, has come and gone back in the 80's. His raspy whisper voice sounded like he was holding back having an aneurysm from constantly flexing throughout the entire film, which was hilarious to constantly have to see. Keep flexing those lats so the arms stick out more lol.

Then you have long dragged out scenes in a screenplay riddled with plot and technical issues, that even with the decent pacing, the normally comfortable 97 min runtime felt much longer. Never mind all the cliched characters and dialogue, and the predictability of the entire story that's been done many times before and much better. Even the fight scenes were poorly choreographed and felt endless with how long, dragged out and boring they were, although the double hammers were the only nice touch of all the fight scenes.

Even the score was the most annoying, even for a B film. It was loud, overbearing and constant, and we were on the floor rolling around laughing with the Looney Tunes music. I'm surprised one of the characters weren't named Elmer Fudd. The only redeeming quality was the somewhat decent directing, considering how flaccid the screenplay was. There were some good shots, especially with the lightning storm in the beginning. But either than that, there's no reason to waste your time watching this, if only to get drunk and laugh at how bad this and the acting is. It's a generous 3/10 from me, because newb writers have to start somewhere, and the concept was somewhat inviting, albeit poorly executed.

I am no movie snob. I grew up on cheesy 90's actions. Let me be clear even though they clearly wanted to go with a cheesy 90's action vibe that's not what this movie is. This.....I don't even know how to describe. It feels like something made by a bunch of teen boys and shot with their iphone.

Every part of this is horrible. From the absolutely atrocious scrip which feels as if it's written by a 12 year old , to cinematography which makes most vacation videos look like a master piece, to the horrible sound and score but perhaps the worst part of all is the acting. I have no idea who the actor is that portrays the main character but I am 100% sure he is just a body builder who has never taken an acting lesson in life. Every scene with him is just an atrocity. He seems almost entirely dedicated to posing and showing off his muscles and he barely capable of reacting to anything around him or interacting with his co stars. His fight scenes are hilariously and you can practically hear how much he strains to make his voice sound rough to make his voice sound more video gamey

I have no idea how movie was greenlit much less how it got it's low level internet popularity but I am completely convinced that it has to do with nepotism. That someone involved with this atrocity has a daddy in the industry who pulled some strings. I really hope that some movie blogger with too much time on their hands does an investigation in the history of this movie and what kind of strings had to be pulled for it to see the light of the day because this would be a thousand times more interesting then this atrocity

TL;DR. It's very bad. Don't watch it.