- The Riddler: Riddle me this, Miss Carson. What is the difference between you and Bruce Wayne's bank account? There is no difference, you both peak his interest.
- Comm. Gordon: The Riddler! He's kidnapped Lisa Carson, the famous heiress. That pompous, worldly master of foul play.
- Comm. Gordon: The devil with pride, Chief, there's only but one man living who can stop him. Whoever he may be behind that mask of his, our only hope is the Caped Crusader.
- The Riddler: Silly... silly... silly girl. The kind of ransom I want, your father cannot pay. Riddle me this, Miss Carson. When is cheese bad for a mouse?
- Lisa Carson: When... it's... in a trap?
- The Riddler: Exactly, and you, Miss Carson, are my cheese, and Batman is my big fat rat.
- Lisa Carson: Well this bed looks awfully uncomfortable. Don't you have any better accommodations? I would be *very* appreciative.
- The Riddler: Riddle me this. When is a pussy like a flower?
- Lisa Carson: When?
- The Riddler: When it has two lips.
- [laughs maniacally]
- Ron Jeremy: Batman and Robin! What are you guys doin'?
- Robin: Holy hedgehog, Batman! Who is this?
- Batman: Robin, this is Ron Jeremy, without a doubt, the hardest working man in show business. Women seem to find him strangely irresistible.
- Ron Jeremy: Hey guys, why don't you take a break. Come have some fun inside. Can't handle all these girls by myself.
- Ron's Girl: I've got two free hands.
- Batman: Very tempting, but no thank you. Our pursuit of justice allows us very few diversions, but by all means, carry on with your business, citizen.
- Discotech Patron: Oh my god! It's Batman!
- [last lines]
- Narrator: [voicing title cards] Can this be it for the Dynamic Duo?
- Narrator: Learn the agonizing answer!
- Narrator: Don't miss the next episode
- Narrator: same bat-XXX time...
- Narrator: ...same bat-XXX channel!