- Bill Walter: Hey, no hard feelings, right?
- Rodrick Heffley: Hey, Bill, you know what? After tonight, you're out of the band!
- Bill Walter: What?
- Rodrick Heffley: That's rock and roll, bro.
- Susan Heffley: My computer is supposed to be for homework only. You lied to me. And you know how I feel about that.
- Greg Heffley: Mom, from now on, I'll be 100% honest.
- Susan Heffley: What did I say about being civil to one another? That's all I asked of you!
- [as time passes]
- Susan Heffley: Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed! Everyone we know was there!
- [sobbing]
- Susan Heffley: I have no idea how I'm gonna write a column this week. I feel like a complete fraud! Well, you brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will. And trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?
- Rodrick Heffley: Yes.
- Greg Heffley: Yes.
- Rodrick Heffley: Yes.
- Susan Heffley: All right, let's go.
- [Susan, Frank and Manny leave the house]
- Greg Heffley: [Rodrick closes basement door behind Greg] Rodrick, help! The door's closed!
- Rodrick Heffley: Yeah, and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle-schooler ruining my party.
- Greg Heffley: What? I thought it was our party!
- Rodrick Heffley: It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
- Greg Heffley: [bangs on the door] Rodrick!
- Rodrick Heffley: [mocking] Greg!
- Grandpa: Next year, I want a chocolate cake.
- Greg Heffley: That is if you're alive, next year.
- Susan Heffley: Greg!
- Greg Heffley: Honesty, mom.
- Greg Heffley: [narrating] On weekends, I try to stay as far away from my brothers as possible. But on Sunday morning, I have no choice.
- [Greg and his family step out of the car once they arrived at the church]
- Manny Heffley: Poopy!
- Greg Heffley: Huh?
- [Greg looks down at his pants]
- Susan Heffley: [offscreen] Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.
- [camera points to candy bar on the car seat]
- Greg Heffley: Manny!
- [Rodrick puts candy wrapper in his pocket]
- Susan Heffley: Frank, you're gonna have to do something.
- Frank Heffley: Yeah. I'll get a rag.
- [wipes off the candy bar stain as much as possible]
- Greg Heffley: Dad, stop it!
- Frank Heffley: Hold still! All right, let me see.
- [looks at stain mostly rubbed off]
- Frank Heffley: You're fine. Can't even tell.
- [he puts rag in the car. Greg saw that Holly was also going to church]
- Greg Heffley: I'm not going in with a poop stain on my pants.
- Susan Heffley: Okay, well, you can't skip church.
- Greg Heffley: No, I'm not going in like this.
- Susan Heffley: Fine.
- Greg Heffley: Mom, it's Mrs. Gillman from the PTA.
- Susan Heffley: Tell her I'm not here!
- Greg Heffley: But that would be lying and I don't do that anymore.
- [on phone]
- Greg Heffley: I'm sorry, Mrs. Gillman, but my mom isn't in the house right now
- [Susan stands outside in the rain]
- Rodrick Heffley: [answers phone] Hello?
- Susan Heffley: Rodrick, it's Mom. Is everything okay? It took a long time for you to answer.
- Rodrick Heffley: Yeah, everything's fine. I was just washing dishes.
- Susan Heffley: Okay, honey. Well, I just wanted to check in and say I love you, and I'm sorry I was so harsh earlier.
- Rodrick Heffley: No problem, bye.
- Susan Heffley: Now let me say good night to Greg.
- Rodrick Heffley: Greg? Oh... He can't. He's asleep. I don't want to wake him.
- Greg Heffley: No, I'm not. I'm right here. Hi, Mom. Hi Rodrick.
- Susan Heffley: Hi, sweetie. Is everything okay? Why were you sleeping so early?
- Greg Heffley: Well, actually, I wasn't sleeping. I'm down in the basement.
- Rodrick Heffley: The basement? What the heck are you doing down there? Wouldn't you rather be up here with me?
- Greg Heffley: Yeah, I would, Rodrick. Why don't you come down and get me? Now.
- Susan Heffley: [to Frank] I think they're trying to get along.
- Frank Heffley: Huh? That's good. Good, honey.
- Rodrick Heffley: Okay. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?
- [unlocks basement door]
- Greg Heffley: [grabs Rodrick's arm for the phone] Yeah, Mom. And I have your number if I need you.
- Susan Heffley: Okay, sweeties. Well, we'll see you tomorrow. Good night.
- Frank Heffley: [voice on answering machine] Hi. You've reached the Heffley residence. Please leave a message.
- Susan Heffley: [leaving voicemail on answering machine] Hey, guys. Manny's sick. We're on our way home. See you in an hour.
- Rodrick Heffley: [feeling disappointed] I should be rehearsing by now.
- Greg Heffley: Please, grandpa. Please, can we watch a real tv show, now?
- Grandpa: TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life. It's real life you can't beat it. How's about we all go down to the games room? You boys like games, don't you?