Sexy Zombie Time

I didn't hate "Big Tits Dragon", though it isn't the same sort of bad movie I enjoy watching. I love films that TRY to be good but fail miserably in every way (such as "The Room" or "Plan 9 From Outer Space"). "Bit Tits Dragon", on the other hand tries to be a horrible movie. While there is enough to mildly recommend it for some audiences, it's not a good bad film—it's just a cheesy film that tries to be terrible.

Before I talk about the plot and what I thought of the film, I should mention that, not surprisingly, it's NOT a family-friendly film. With a title like this, this should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone. However, what surprised me was how seldom the film showed nudity. It's not a soft-core porno film even though the title sure sounds like one. There are a few breast shots and a wildly sick shot involving a flame thrower (you have to see it to believe it), but it's clearly a mild rated-R film—even with all the blood. And, speaking of blood, the film uses so much fake blood and guts but it never seemed the least bit realistic. While I wouldn't recommend this film to teens (or anyone with taste), it won't warp you for life!

The first half of "Big Tits Dragon" has almost no plot. Five not particularly talented strippers are out of work and bored in a small town in Japan. They mostly sit around in their underwear and complain or try to make money. Only about halfway into the film does anything of consequence happen. One of them notices a locked door behind a curtain in their dressing room. It leads to a tunnel to a weird home where one of them discovers The Book of the Dead. She invokes a spell that unleashes a plague of over-acting zombies on the Earth. Then, a battle ensues between strippers and Zombies until the Blue Ogre arrives from Hell to put everything right (this is, by far, the best scene in the film).

The acting is very bad and the plot very silly. But, the film isn't 100% terrible because it knows it's bad and makes no bones about it. In many ways, it reminds me of a Troma film—one that wants to be a bad film and revels in cheesiness. And, some of the film is actually clever and funny (such as when sushi turns into zombie sushi). But most of it is rather stupid and it's not the sort of film you want to let your mother or friends know you've watched because they'll probably have a lower opinion of you! Silly, occasionally sexy and quite dumb—this is Bit Tits Zombie in a nut shell. This film is NOT for everyone and is best for someone who is obsessed with the zombie genre. For anyone else, this is easy to skip—and your brain might just thank you!

Was I expecting too much from this film? Doubtful. All I really wanted was what the title promised. Big tits and zombies. There are some nice breasts on show, but they aren't that big, nor are they around for very long. This is the kind of cheap Japanese video film that is shot in a few days. The zombies are also not very impressive. Some just have grey faces, making all these zombies look like they died in a fire. Others have horrendous masks a child would be embarrassed to wear at Halloween. Some of the zombies don't even make sense, with one guy donning a skeleton mask, even though he only turned in the last few hours. The film is meant to be laughed at, certainly, but it needed more ridiculous fun to succeed, Successful parts included the running down of a resident, zombie sushi, and the main villain being particularly pleasing to the eye. Sometimes it's camp fun, like seeing the strings levitate a head, but when the film can't even meet quality standards regarding the tits or the zombies, then it's time to move on.

The various titles of this are rather perplexing. While there certainly are some big "T"s and some zombies, there are not a whole lot of big-breasted zombies on display, rather this is kind of along the lines of recent American flicks like "Zombie Strippers" and "Strippers vs. Zombies" as a quintet of Asian strippers working at a nearly deserted Japanese resort are besieged by undead zombies after one of them (a Gothic lolita type) accidentally raises the dead. So will these buxom girls lose their tops in gratuitous catfights? Will most of them become zombified themselves? And will they kick major zombie ass while shoving their own barely clad ones in the camera at every opportunity? Yes, yes, and oh, yes!

An alternate title of this is "Big Tits Dragon", which seemingly makes no sense, but is probably the result of the most memorable scene where one of the zombified strippers shoots fire out of her--well, let's just say it isn't her mouth. I believe that girl is supposed to be a Thai immigrant to Japan, but THIS is something you're probably unlikely to see even in the strip bars of Bangkok. The two cutest girls meanwhile are the Gothic lolita (Risa Kasumi) who starts all the trouble and the incredible Aoi Sola, who plays the lead. Sola, a former AV starlet turned neo-"pink" film mainstay, stays a little more draped than usual, but her character gets in numerous sumo-style catfights, gets blind drunk and ends up in bed with any number of unattractive males (i.e. a homeless man, an elderly dwarf), and eventually turns into an efficient Samurai zombie fighter.

This is pretty dumb actually and not terribly original, but it's pretty entertaining nevertheless. . .

Five exotic dancers—busty slut Lena Jodo (AV star Sora Aoi), sexy redhead lolita goth Maria (Mari Sakurai), ex-jailbird Ginko (Risa Kasumi), immigrant Darna (Io Aikawa) and older stripper Nene (Tamayo)—discover a secret passageway that leads to a hidden room containing a library of rare occult books. When Maria reads a passage from The Book of the Dead, she unleashes a horde of zombies from The Well of Spirits, a portal to Hell.

There's a very memorable scene in Big Tits Zombie where stripper--turned-zombie Nene adopts the crab position and shoots flames out of her pulsating toothy snatch; the whole strippers versus zombies might have been done before in western efforts like Zombie Strippers and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, but they never showed us anything quite as demented as that!!!

Japan is, of course, renowned amongst fans of seriously insane horror for going places no-one else even thinks of, and Big Tits Zombie is no exception: it's a totally bonkers, low budget trash-fest dedicated to blood and big breasts. The acting is undeniably crap, the special effects atrocious (loads of CGI blood), and the story just plain daft, but when you're in the mood for an hour and a half of sheer mindless fun, this kind of nonsense can't be beat.

As well as the aforementioned fiery cooch, viewers also get to enjoy a zombie woman with a detachable head and tentacles extending from her stomach (supporting strings clearly visible), numerous badly made-up zombies (including zombie ninjas, a zombie geisha, table-tennis zombies, and a zombie schoolgirl), assorted chainsaw and samurai sword dismemberment, and a female sumo contest, watched over by an elderly dwarf and his lackeys, which sees the loser becoming a naked sushi bar (mind the grated wasabi—yeowch!).

Oh, and there's tits, of course—lots of lovely big tits!

I remember hearing about this film's existence when it was released a couple of years back. The title is irresistible (I think the original title it was appearing under at festivals was just Big Tits Dragon, and the UK DVD is entitled Big Tits Zombies; I opted to list it under its literally translated Japanese title), but I kind of figured it would be a Snakes on a Plane scenario where the title was by far the most amusing thing about it. I was mostly correct, but it wasn't a total... um, bust, I guess. It's bad, probably even godawful, but it's so dumb and silly and cheap that it has a kind of charm. It kind of comes in a wave of Japanese splatter flicks that were popularized by movies such as Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police. This one has like no money behind it, though, so the special effects are all made with super-cheap CGI. Except for one bit where two of our stripper heroes get fake blood spattered all over their big tits, I think all the blood is CGI. The five hot actresses help make the film a lot more tolerable. Aoi Sola is the star. She's a pretty popular Japanese actress who, indeed, has some big tits. She's gorgeous and I actually have a couple of more films with her in it coming up (in fact, I rediscovered this movie because I had just ordered a different movie with her in it; she also stars in a film called A Man, a Woman and a Wall which is on Netflix Instant and which is frequently recommended to me by the site). Risa Kasumi (looking a bit like Eihi Shiina from Audition and Tokyo Gore Police) and Mari Sakurai (playing a goth chick who likes to cut her wrists, a weirdly common character in these sorts of films) play the other two major characters, with Tamayo and Io Aikawa rounding out our Strippers 5. There really isn't that much nudity in the film. The total amount of boob shots equals about one whole minute. It's pretty tame for a Japanese film - probably could have premiered on Japanese Nickelodeon if it weren't for it's most hilarious scene, which features a fire-belching demon vagina.