Nutcracker Massacre

Ah. Nutcracker Massacre. I haven't asked myself, aloud, ' what the hell are we watching ' before this. I don't know how long this is. I don't care about how long it is. Ideally, you won't either on the sole principle that you don't watch it.

Nonstop guy breathing into the mic, interspersed with the gentlest beatings I've ever seen, never have I witnessed someone so tentatively brutalize another human with a hammer, strangle someone with a garland, mutilate another's genitals so hard they bleed from their ears (?), all with a ginger touch.

The final showdown of gently wrestling on an astroturfed lawn with a cap gun and some plastic jewelry really cemented that I, in fact, was watching this with my own two eyes and that I, in fact, regret it. Merry Christmas and happy holidays, keep it happier by just not watching this.

Heading off to visit family, a woman's attempts at gift-giving with a special antique nutcracker to help reconnect with her family finds that the doll has come to life with the spirit of a killer inside causing it to start killing those around her causing her to find a way to stop its rampage.

This one was a pretty solid and enjoyable genre effort. One of the better elements present here involves the rather fun atmosphere that provides a setting for this one to evoke the holiday spirit. Due to the purpose of the visit at that time of year, the ornaments and decorations brought up here generate the kind of fine yuletide atmosphere where the warmth of the lights and the homey vibes of everything offers up quite a lot to like. To be around this kind of environment when it gets perverted is a fine touch here as the visual of the being going through this environment offers a fun festival feel. This perversion is brought about nicely through the sequences offering the stoic wooden being coming to life and stalking others. The idea of the doll bringing the conduit for the giant nutcracker to come to life and start stalking others around the property is a fine explanation while getting the chance to generate short ambush scenes where it appears out of nowhere to confront the disbelieving victim. That leads into the solid finale where its presence is known but still is able to run rampant on the family attacking them in the house which offers a series of fun scenes involving creative kills and a clever method to stop it. There are some issues with this one that hold it down. The main drawback is the rather confusing nature of the killer nutcracker coming to haunt the family, as the initial implication and setup look to be purposeful and intended. However, the later revelation here makes it come off as an accident with the mix-up and the reveal about the figure's history that not only stops the film cold but feels contradictory. The other issue here is the sluggish pace at the first half which focuses way too much on a lame family drama angle between the sisters that delves into a wholly underwhelming long-simmering jealousy angle that's quite cliched and undeserved, leaving it slow to start. These factors are what keep this one down overall.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.

Movie begins, oddly, with a delivery guy encountering the Nutcracker, then rolling back two days until the events get back up to the delivery guy. Unclear why that was done, other than perhaps to pad running time, or someone wanted a kill scene moved up closer to the beginning than the script had it.

Beatrice Fletcher and May Kelly have lovely looks and voices, and both are above average actors for what in many respects seems like a low-budget movie. The latter's (external to this movie) "Bacco" tattoo and modeling shots with cigarettes make one worry about her looks and voice! Get help with that, please; you should have a long life and career! Prematurely aged skin, lip pursing wrinkles, raspy voice, and deep phlegmy coughs aren't things to aspire to obtain.

Picture quality is decent for a low-budget Christmas horror movie. So many of them lack anything even close to top-of-the line cameras that they look cheap from the outset. Pacing was on the slow side, possibly compensating for lack of sufficient action and dialog.

The wobbling of the nutcracker when standing inanimate by the tree is impossible not to note. A dummy should have been used, or a post or preacher's bench for the actor to lean against.

The Nutcracker has two faces, a shattered "normal" one and fanged angry one. That look of a poor repair job to the "normal" head was peculiar: if explained, I missed it. Maybe they should have added some Kintsugi to the plot somehow to justify it.

There's no transformation between the two Nutcracker heads, just edits. A morph, or stop-action accomplished via miniature or something would have been a worthwhile investment; it could have helped. Maybe they should have hired Charles Band or the like for some insert shots. (Speaking of insert shots, there's a gorgeous foggy landscape one about 24 minutes in; stock footage, or actually by the cinematographer?) The angry head's fangs are, ironically, pointless in that the Nutcracker never bites.

A nut pick and candy canes are used as shivs. An ordinary V-shaped metal nutcracker is not used to crack nuts so much as... well, the man with the bag ain't Santa in this one, and he isn't with it for long though the shot does linger on it. Strangling by garland. But also hammer, knife, and gun which don't seem as Christmassy, not as Christmas horror-y, anyway. Slowed-down Nutcracker music periodically is effective; possibly more use should have been made of such recognizable, quality elements of the ballet.

I'd met one of the screenwriters, Joe Knetter, a number of years back; super-friendly guy. I do wish all involved luck on future projects, even though this one was largely a disappointment. Some more script polishing and fundraising could have helped considerably.

Nutcracker Massacre is sort of half soap opera, and half the worst horror movie you've ever seen.

With the nutcracker being one of the stupidest villains to ever disgrace the screen.

The story revolves around a lead protaganess, who is dealing with her boyfriend having cheated on her with her best friend right before Christmas.

With some family drama spun in on top of this, the plot centers on a giant nutcracker that was given to her family as a gift for her first Christmas.

Apparently, this bizarre ornament was discovered by her aunt, and displayed at her home, which the young romance novelist is visiting for Christmas.

Hilariously, though, the people in the film treat him like he's an inanimate object, despite the fact that it is clearly a man in a nutcracker suit, that can't stop swaying around, because the actor playing him is unable to remain motionless, while standing in a stationary position.

Either way, he seems to want to act to protect the young woman...by murdering everyone who is even remotely associated with anyone who wrongs her in any way.

At least, that is my best guess...but I might be reading too much into it...as it's not inherently clear.

As this narrative doesn't exactly explain all the people he attacks and kills.

The whole thing is poorly written and constructed, with bad acting, terrible special effects, and a plot structure so ludicrous, it's almost flabbergasting.

But, oddly enough, it's actually engaging enough to sit through.

At one point the nutcracker inexplicably attacks the boyfriend of the main character's rival...cracking his nutsack off in the process.

And it's at this point that you realize the whole thing is laughingly bad.

The lead actress is the only one who manages to put on a competent performance...but even that is in relation to everyone else in the film, who are absolutely horrible.

Everything about it is so bad, that I was genuinely wondering how anyone involved in the process of making it, was able to do so with a straight face, and not just break out laughing.

Cause this can't be serious, can it?

The deeper you get into it, the more entertaining it becomes...simply because it is so ridiculously bad.

In the end, I want to say it's one of those so bad, it's good, kind of films.

But really, it's just bad.

2.5 out of 10.

Really wanted to like this one, as I love both the Nutcracker and hilarious horror comedies. But sadly this is not hilarious. Barely managed a smirk. I did like that the protagonist is named Clara, and her aunt is named Marie (the two versions of the lead character in the ballet, depending on whether you're watching the original or the French production). In between kills - there's one good one where an unfortunate young man finds out who really put the cracking in a nutcracker - the story is very dull, and the pacing is terrible. Not even worth putting on in the background while you deck the halls. It's lovely to see Patrick Bergin again, and he's aging nicely, but his character is relegated to just being the mysterious toymaker who drops exposition.