- Stu Price: [to the lyrics of "Allentown"] Well, we're living here in Alantown / And he's driven our lives into the ground / When we woke up we were wasted and drunk / Phil got shot... / We got beaten by a monk... / I was happy and my life was good / Getting married like a dentist should / Roasting marshmallows on a stick / I got fucked in the ass... / By a girl with a dick...
- Alan: Ha ha ha, I remember that.
- Stu Price: And we're living here in Alantown / But they're taking Teddy's finger now... / And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose my shit /... and shoot Alan in the face /... and shoot myself.
- Alan: You totally butchered that song.
- Stu Price: You totally butchered my life.
- Mr. Chow: What's the matter, you never do blow before? Sometimes your heart stop, it start up again. Read a book.
- Phil: You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us!
- Stu Price: Oh, this will be good!
- Phil: Stu, think about it! You ended up ditching Melissa... two years later, you met your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation, you would've married a cunt!
- [Old couple looks over and gives Phil dirty looks]
- Phil: Oh, it's OK... No, I'm allowed to say it, it's a bachelor party. Drink up, everybody! Oh, wait, there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a fuckin' IHOP!
- Kimmy: This one was following me like little puppy dog all around, all night, saying that he fall in love with me, asked to marry me.
- Alan: Classic Stu.
- Kimmy: I dance for him, he tickle me, we have sex...
- Phil: You're not married yet it's no big deal.
- Stu Price: It's cheating. No offense to you, you're a lovely woman, it's a violation of my moral code.
- Kimmy: What code is that? Stu you loved it, you were crying, saying how special it was. I had to slow down so I didn't drop my load too quick.
- Stu Price: Load?
- Alan: What load?
- Kimmy: Oh, you know, my sperm.
- Stu Price: That is wrong, you're talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?
- Kimmy: My balls. You're in Bangkok! There's a reason they don't call it Bangcunt!
- Alan: [to Teddy] Sit down, I got this. Sit down, boy. That was a great speech, sir. I like the comparisons between, uh, Stu and rice. I've also prepared a few words. Hey, everybody, here are some fun facts. The population in Thailand is 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear, and rice. Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand is...
- Doug: Alan why don't you skip to the last card there, buddy
- Alan: OK, sorry.
- [Flips through about 5 or 6 cards]
- Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like I do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact more important than blood. What I can tell you is this, this is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple years ago...
- Phil: All right, time's up. You can sit down now, bud. You can sit down.
- Alan: It was good. I did good though.
- Phil: Oh God, you killed it.
- Alan: OK, thanks, Phil.
- Alan: Sit down, yeah
- [applause]
- Alan: [to Teddy] In your face!
- Grand Wizard: Perhaps you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.
- Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?
- Stu Price: Yeah I understood about two-thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation.
- Alan: No, he said he's farting because of his medication.
- Mr. Chow: [upon his arrest] How the fuck?
- [Samir walks in]
- Mr. Chow: Samir! You fuck me over 6 grand, you camel jockey?
- [spits]
- Samir: You spit to me? Huh? You spit to me? Hey! 6 grand this time, 8 grand last time. It's not the money, man. It's the principle!
- Mr. Chow: Principle? Nigga, please! We both dead inside.
- Samir: You call me nigger? Huh? Don't call me nigger!
- Mr. Chow: [as the cops take him away] Toodle-loo, motherfuckers!
- Samir: Racist asshole, man.
- Tracy: Phil.
- Phil: Tracy. I'm sorry.
- Tracy: Where the hell are you?
- Phil: Huh... . It happened again.
- Tracy: Don't say that. Please.
- Phil: No, this time we're really fucked up.
- Tracy: Seriously, what's wrong with you three?
- Phil: So much, Trace, I don't even know where to begin.
- Tracy: Oh God. How bad? Like no wedding bad?
- Phil: Yeah.
- Mr. Chow: It is about money.
- When Mr. Chow gets arrested: It is not about money, it is about principle.
- Alan: I'm actually a part of this weird Wolf Pack. Hey, it's not weird, it's pretty cool actually, no membership fees.
- Tattoo Joe: [indicates customer] This kid's fucking 9 years old, and he's got balls twice your size. Show him your balls, Mal.
- [kid reaches downwards]
- Phil: No, no, no, w--that's okay.
- Billy Joel: Well, I'm on the Downeaster "Alexa"/ and I'm cruising through Block Island Sound/ I have charted a course for the Vineyard/ but tonight I am Nantucket bound/ Took on diesel back in Montauk yesterday/ Left this morning from the bell in Gardiners' Bay/ Like all the locals here I've had to sell my home/ too proud to leave I worked my fingers to the bone/so I could own my Downeaster "Alexa"/ Ay-yi-oh-oh!
- Mike Tyson: Bangkok! Oriental thity but the thity don't know what the thity is gettin'! The crème de la crème of the Chess World in a thow with everything except Yul Brynner, ya know? Time flies, doesn't theem a minute thince the Tyrolean thpa had the Chess boys in it!
- Linda Garner: [Enters] Excuse me, boys.
- Doug: Hi, Linda.
- Linda Garner: Hi, Dougie.
- Alan: I guess we don't do dessert any more, I didn't get that memo!
- Linda Garner: Well, I'm sorry, darling, I'll be right back
- Alan: Would a cupcake kill you?