- Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI. Your dog has been leaving little bombs in my yard, and I do not appreciate it.
- Fred McDade: Oh you know dogs... they go where they want to go.
- Gru: Unless they're dead.
- [laughs]
- Gru: I'm joking! Although it is true. Anyway, have a good one.
- Vector: I'm applying for a villain loan. I go by the name of Vector. It's a mathematical term, represented by an arrow with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, because I commit crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh yeah!
- Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.
- Carnival Barker: Well, you see that little spaceship there? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, Professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Aw. Uh-oh! Somebody's got a frowny face! Ooh. Better luck next time.
- [Agnes's eyes well up with tears and she looks at Gru]
- Gru: Okay... my turn.
- [Gru takes out a plasma gun and fires it, destroying the stand and disintegrating the spaceship]
- Gru: Knocked over!
- Dr. Nefario: And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered.
- [shoots a minion with the fart gun, making him pass out]
- Gru: No, no, no. I said *dart* gun, not...
- [grossed out]
- Gru: Okay.
- Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering... under what circumstances would we use this?
- Margo: Hello? Cookies for sale!
- Gru: Go away, I'm not home!
- Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you.
- Gru: No, you didn't. This... is a recording.
- Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't.
- Gru: Yes, it is. Watch this. Leave a message. Beep!
- [Edith kicks the door, causing Gru to scream in pain]
- Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message.
- Margo: [off-screen] Agnes, come on!
- Gru: Uh, question. What are these?
- Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots. Boogie! Look at this! Watch me.
- Gru: Cookie robots! I said cookie robots! Ah, why... why are you so... old?
- Gru: [Explaining why the girls can't find their book "Three Little Kittens"] That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously...
- Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon.
- Gru's Mom: Eh.
- Young Gru: Look, Mom, I made a prototype of a rocket out of macaroni.
- Gru's Mom: Eh.
- Young Gru: Look, Mom, I built a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype.
- [Fires rocket]
- Gru's Mom: [holds her breath in amazement for a moment] ... Eh.
- Agnes: [singing] Unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I love them. Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Uni unicorns, I could pet one if they were really real. And they are! So I bought one so I could pet it. Now it loves me, now I love it. La lala la la...
- Gru: [reading the book he wrote] One big unicorn, strong and free, thought he was happy as he could be. Then three little kittens came around and turned his whole life upside down. They made him laugh, they made him cry. He never should have said goodbye. And now he knows he can never part from those three little kittens that changed his heart.
- Gru: Clearly we need to set some rules. Rule number one: You will not touch *anything*.
- Margo: Aha. What about the floor?
- Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor.
- Margo: What about the air?
- Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
- Edith: What about this?
- [holds a ray gun in her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
- Gru: [screams, holding a frying pan for protection] Where did you get that?
- Edith: [shrugs] Found it.
- [Gru takes it away from her]
- Gru: Okay, rule number two: You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
- Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
- [lets go of Margo's hand and puckers her cheeks]
- Gru: [stops Agnes] Very!
- [sighs, irritated]
- Gru: I'll see you in six hours.
- [leaves the kitchen]
- Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right...? Agnes?
- [She and Edith turn and see Agnes scarfing from the bowl on the floor marked "food."]
- Agnes: [mouth full] Mmm?
- Margo: Oh, uh, can we get stuffed crust?
- Edith, Agnes, Jerry the Minion, Stuart the Minion: OOOOHHHH, stuffed crust.
- Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust!
- [Agnes giggles]
- Agnes: You're funny!
- Gru: Just don't come out of that room again!
- Gru: [Sees Edith near his iron maiden] No, no! Stay away from there! It's fragile!
- [the iron maiden closes with Edith inside; a red liquid leaks from underneath; Margo and Agnes gasp]
- Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two.
- Edith: [Inside the iron maiden] Hey! It's dark in here!
- [Gru opens iron maiden; Edith is unharmed, but her juice box is punctured]
- Edith: [Spits out a straw] It poked a hole in my juice box.
- Gru: We have located a shrink ray in a secret lab. And once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the TRUE crime of the century!
- [in a sinister tone]
- Gru: We... are going to steal...
- [the minions pull out their weapons]
- Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet.
- [a rocket launcher is fired and hits one of the minions]
- Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please!
- [the hit minion walks over to Dave and punches him]
- Gru: [gets on the platform as it rises up to the roof] Next, we are going to steal... pause for effect...
- [the platform stops so that Gru is silhouetted against the moon]
- Gru: ...THE MOON!
- [Minions cheer]
- Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back, and I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'M talking 'bout!
- Gru: [to Miss Hattie] You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish?
- Miss Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish?
- Gru: You have a face... Como un burro.
- Miss Hattie: Oh! Well, thank you!
- Gru: [Answers cell phone] Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but...
- Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid.
- [Gru sighs]
- Gru's Mom: That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful?
- [laughs]
- Gru: Just so know, Mom. I'm about to do something. It's very very big. Very important, when you hear about it, you're going to be very proud.
- Gru's Mom: [Sarcastically laughs] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here!
- Mr. Perkins: Do you know where the shrink ray is?
- Vector: Duh? Back at my place.
- Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? Oh, that's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE IT!
- [shows vector the computer shot of Gru with the shrink ray and the girls]
- Vector: Oh. What? Th-those girls sold me cookies.
- Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I recieved a call that you wanted to return them. And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary.
- [Hits Gru with dictionary]
- Miss Hattie: I didn't like what you said.
- [Gru is showing Mr. Perkins his plans, using pictures on an easel]
- Gru: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toi-let what?
- [sees a child's drawing in his plans, of himself sitting on a toilet, signed by Edith, the girls laugh off-screen]
- Gru: Sorry. Sorry! Could you, uh, excuse me for just one second?
- Dr. Nefario: [a minion drinks from a bottle, starts floating] We've been working on this for a while now. It's an Anti-gravity serum.
- [the minion floats out an open skylight]
- Dr. Nefario: I meant to close that. He'll be alright, I'm sure.
- Gru: Do the effects wear off?
- Dr. Nefario: [looking up at some minions floating on the roof] Uh... so far, no. No, they don't.
- Mr. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?
- Gru: Apparently.