Birdemic: Shock and Terror

First of all, to approach "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" with any kind of hope of witnessing a good feature film is utter lunacy. "Amateur" is a word a thousand times too generous for this film's description. Even given its low budget of $10,000, the majority of which seems to have gone on car fuel, the film is a joke. The acting is unspeakably bad, the "special" effects aren't worth mentioning, the music is corny and inappropriate, and the film's editing techniques have all the marvel of a flip-book.

The only way to enjoy this film is to treat it as exactly that, a joke. The above faults of the film are so glaring that the film becomes one huge joke that you can laugh along to. However, even this joke wears thin pretty quickly, and you're left feeling quite empty, as if you've been cheated out of 95 minutes of your life.

Nonetheless, I am firmly convinced that it is the director James Nguyen who is having the last laugh, as he has created a film so notoriously bad that everyone wants to see it. Perhaps the joke is on us, and the director's intention was to see just how popular this film could be through its infamy. Even so, absolutely nothing can forgive how bad this film really is. It makes Battlefield Earth feel like Star Wars, and makes the special effects of 1933's King Kong look like those of Avatar. It is, quite simply, the worst film ever committed to celluloid.

Watching the trailer, I actually had a decent laugh, and thought it might be worth it. But having watched the finished product, the knowledge that somebody spent $10,000 making this ugly piece of garbage and then having the audacity to call it a film is infuriating, and actually quite offensive. People were PAID to produce this. With MONEY. I still don't believe it.

Rod runs into former classmate model Nathalie. Global warming and blah blah. Birds attack.

Horrible acting. Horrible writing. Badly stilted dialogue. Ill-fitting music. Horrible directions. Long boring non-scenes. Bad special effects. It's hilarious for about two minutes as it smacks your face all at once. Then it's intermittently funny as new levels of awfulness occurs. This is an incredibly bad movie. It's a student film at best. The bad sound design gets annoying. The squawking mixed with planes on bombing runs is as terrible as it gets. I'm comfortable giving this movie one star. The laughs are not generated deliberately. I'm laughing at how bad this is. I do want to give this a pity point. I can't. I can't. One point for the effort. These people tried. They're not good but they tried.

When a movie starts with music that grinds your ears, standard movie- maker font, 10 minutes of random shots from the valleys of Hollywood and an unknown B-movie director that claims he's the "master of romantic thrillers", you know you're in for one hell of a ride.

I don't really know if this movie is a joke or not, if they actually went in full force with the intention of actually making a great film with their 10.000 dollar budget, clearly they did not. When the actual film starts, the camera is so horrid I thought the cameraman was drunk, or if I was unwillingly intoxicated. Anyways, I had to check my earphones after a couple of minutes, because the sound suddenly stopped and popped up at random, looks like the sound-mixer of this movie probably is deaf or some sort of modern day Hellen Keller.

Let's say something about the acting.. if there is any. I felt my heart wrenching when the protagonist started reading his lines, his act is already so wooden after two minutes of screen-time he'd fit right in the Ents from the "Lord of the Rings"-trilogy. When an actor can't even walk straight without showing signs of having something rectangular shoved up his rectum, there's something wrong.

After about 45 minutes of clapping (yes, see it for yourself), a love story that makes the Twilight-saga seem like "The Notebook" and "Titanic" combined, dialouges that are from another planet and all-in- all all I'm thinking: Is this movie the "Shock and Terror" the sub-title proclamates? 'Cause I haven't seen a f*cking bird yet!!

When the birds arrive.. No, I don't even care to write about it.. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like laying down in the shower with my clothes on and cry while the cold water is running on full.

This movie basically makes Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" seem like the new "Schindler's List". Enough said.

Sometimes there is a film that comes along that boggles the mind. You cannot believe the thing exists, but there it is, paddling its arms forward like a Special Olympics finalist (and no, this is not a joke on the Special Olympics - they're too good for Birdemic: Shock and Terror). The movie tricks a viewer like yours truly; at first, having not seen anything made by its director, the inimitable James Nguyen - he has two other films to his credit, Replica and Julie and Jack, neither seen by me (just as well, one of whom gives its highest praise as "Ed Wood quality" on IMDb) - I wasn't sure what I was really seeing, if it was either the highest or lowest of artistic expression.

The film takes place in some sunny seaside community on the California coast - as we're made PAINFULLY CLEAR in the opening from-the-car driving shots (immediately calling to mind the opening credits of Manos: The Hands of Fate) - and is about how Rod (Alan Bough) and Nathalie (Whitney Moore), who meet one day by chance, he a successful solar-panel salesman and she a Victoria's Secret model (she just made the cover!) Oh, and there's an almost inexplicable warning of a crazy-killer bird epidemic on the news, from, um, I guess it's global warming. And after about a half hour of almost *nothing* going on between these two pieces of cardboard-as-actors, the birds finally arrive.... oh yes, how they arrive.

What I mean by my uncertainty of what I was seeing, it felt like a double-edged sword. I kept thinking during the film, 'either Nguyen is a total genius, crafting the most intentionally bad movie in recent memory, or he's quite possible the most sickening hack you've never wanted to meet.' It's one thing that the film was shot on a shitty camcorder. It's another that the actors appear to be non-professionals or at best from community theater (Alan Bagh is so stiff he just might make your eyes bleed; Moore is too hot to have that happen, though her talent is just as nill).

But it's something else how absolutely, and surprisingly consistently, awful the film-making is. Even if you've never taken a class in proper lighting or sound or stage direction or editing, Birdemic shines so mightily in its crap-ness. Scenes start and end without a proper marker, as if the editor didn't know how to flow from one scene- one SHOT- to the next. Sound is completely mis-matched from one shot to the next. The music is the kind of synthesizer work that cranked up loud enough could drive Bin-Laden out of his cave (they even go as far as to rip-off the John Lennon song "Imagine" for a girl character wearing a "Imagine Peace" shirt. And the birds... oh, boy, the birds (if you need further proof, watch the trailer, do yourself a favor and get it out of the way).

Now, again, experiencing this film, especially in the case I had in a theater with people perhaps anticipating its awfulness based on the trailer or the website or the claim by Nguyen to be a "Master of the Romantic Thriller" (Trademarked. I'm not kidding), that this is perhaps just a brilliant prank, a satire of epic proportions. Certainly the "message" part of the movie- and it's wielded with such a sledgehammer it would make Stanley Kramer look like Jim Jarmusch - is done to such a ludicrous extent, with characters appearing for walk-on scenes like a Old-man Biologist who appears to explain that the birds were caused by man's harm to the planet, or the "Tree-Man" in the woods who has a tree-house home and finds the birds don't attack him because he's in the woods and not out on the road like the rest of stupid man-animal civilization. Not to mention the rather *listen to us now* attitude of the main characters driving their hybrid cars and seeing An Inconvenient Truth (I s**t you not, this is in the movie) and their silly solar panels. Who ever heard of that working really well?

All of this could, potentially, really be just a put-on of such a magnitude that I would want to shake Nguyen's hand for pulling off such a feat. But, no, Nguyen took himself very seriously during this production, only slightly changing his tune after the fact of people seeing the film like the audience in The Producers seeing "Springtime for Hitler" for the first time (if you need proof, look at this NY Times article quote: "I never went to film school," Mr. Nguyen said. "But I did go to what you'd call the film school of Hitchcock cinema."). I'll give him that he had persistence in getting the film out there, even showing it in bars around the Sundance film festival when he couldn't get in. The masses of sober people puking all around him should have given him a clearer idea of what he had though.

Oh, don't get me wrong, Birdemic is absolutely, hysterically, historically, gloriously funny. It's a magnificent fresco of horrible CGI (the birds just float, like a screensaver), and non-existent acting, and plot that... wait, what plot? And who needs an ending that makes sense either, or shots that match up? It's so funny that I ended up feeling just a wee-bit guilty by the end. It's easy to mock this movie, like a bully on the playground mocking the kid with Cerebal Palsy. If the film isn't an intentional anti-film, then it's just a really bad Manos/Ed-Wood level movie, and all of the hilarity that ensues from it is kind of expected. It's not even worthy of Asylum DVD status. Alongside The Room, After Last Season, and Severed Ways, it's one of the real no-budget bad-movie finds of the past ten years. A must-see, for every wrong reason imaginable.

There are no words that come to mind after seeing this film. Travesty, horrific, absurd, ridiculous, and mind-numbingly stupid all come to mind but none of 'em quite describe just how awful this "film" really is. To see where everyone went wrong, let's break it down!

1. It takes 45 minutes until the actual plot begins to develop. By this time, the majority of viewers have fallen asleep or have taken their own lives.

2. The actor who plays Rod, Alan Bagh. He makes me miss Nicholas Cage. NO NOT THE BEES!!! AHHHH!!!

3. The birds. What do they do exactly? Nothing. The birds come down and fly directly in front of the victims face. Then they die for reasons only criminally insane director James Nguyen knows. God help us.

4. Read my parental advisory

5. "Hey I thought I told you to stand back. These birds are contaminated"

6. What is wrong with Rod's friend? And why can't he get a good looking girlfriend?

7. The dialogue. It's like watching a poorly translated foreign film. "I like you and because you are pretty to me" "I thank you this words they make me happy" "Yaaaaaayyy..."

8. This quote: "Why would birds do something like that? Why would they just attack" "......I don't know"

-------The good?

1. Thank god for Whitney Moore in lingerie. The only believable thing about this movie was that she got a job at Victoria's Secret.

And that's my review. Go see it. I guarantee you will never see a worse film.