- Sergio Roma: You've been mind-fucked before?
- Aaron Green: I don't think so.
- Sergio Roma: I'm mind-fucking you right now.
- Aaron Green: You are?
- Sergio Roma: Can't you feel my dick fucking your mind?
- Aaron Green: No, I can't really feel anything.
- Sergio Roma: See? That's it. That's the art of it. I'm mind-fucking the shit out of you.
- Aaron Green: Well I hope you're wearing a condom cause I have a dirty mind.
- Aaron Green: [as Sergio is chasing after them in a hotel lobby] This is the longest hallway of all time!
- Aldous Snow: It's Kubrickian!
- Aldous Snow: I was watching the news one day and I saw footage about, uh, war, and I think it was Darfur, or Zimbabwe, or Rwanda, or one of 'em, and I thought, 'this isn't right, is it?' And I made some phone calls and it turns out, it isn't.
- Aldous Snow: What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect.
- Aldous Snow: I labored under the myth of monogamy for sever years with Jackie and it was pointless.
- Aaron Green: So you only slept with Jackie?
- Aldous Snow: No, I slept with other people but I always told her about it. Monogamy.
- Limousine Driver in London: Would you like me to take the Chiswick roundabout through Hounslow and Staines?
- Aaron Green: What is this, fucking Middle Earth? Just take us to the airport, okay.
- Aaron Green: [at a club] What's up man?
- Tom Felton: Hey.
- Aaron Green: I'm here with Aldous Snow, so we have a table in the back.
- Tom Felton: [not interested] Great.
- Aaron Green: Feel free to bring Professor Snape. Come by, we'll play some late night Quidditch.
- Tom Felton: Just leave it, you...
- [walks away]
- Aaron Green: Right. Not everyone cares.
- Aldous Snow: We're gonna fuck these two girls.
- Aaron Green: I just got out of a relationship.
- Aldous Snow: Was your ex a blonde or brunette?
- Aaron Green: Brunette.
- Aldous Snow: Blonde it is.
- Jackie Q: [sung] One, two, three, four, it's just like comin' in the back door. Five, six, seven, eight, uhh, feels great. A ring, a ring, a ring around my rosy. My little pocket is so fit and so damn cozy. Ring, a ring, a ring around my rosy. All the boys in town say I've the prettiest of posies. A ring around my rosy, my pocket's so damn cozy, and my posy, my posy. I'm talking about my asshole.
- Aldous Snow: [as he is watching TV] Didn't I have sex with her once?
- [Aldous sees Sarah Marshall on TV]
- Aldous Snow: Yeah, I did.
- Sergio Roma: Where are you? Why haven't you called? I'm calling you right now and I just got hit by a motherfucking car.
- Aaron Green: Do you know the lyrics to "African Child"?
- Smiling African Drummer: I don't know the lyrics. I just bang the drum and do the African face.
- [He shows Aaron his version of playing the African drum]
- Jackie Q: The old Aldous, would've you know, had his way with you he would have bent you over that pretty little chair and had his way and now we'd be having a three way you'd be coming over for a cognac later I'll tell you that sweetie. You bet that's not happening anymore.
- Aldous Snow: Do you want me to start drinking again? Is that what you'd like? You want me to return to that?
- Jackie Q: Maybe you should. Maybe you should.
- Aldous Snow: I'll do lines off her forehead while I'm in her up to my nuts. Is that what you want?
- Jackie Q: I'm just saying.
- Sergio Roma: Where the fuck have you guys been?
- Sergio's Security Guard: We went and saw Cher.
- Sergio Roma: Cher? How was she?
- Sergio's Security Guard: [Dazzled] Amaaaazing!
- Sergio Roma: [in Aaron's hallucination] You lost control motherfucker! Wee! Wee! Look, I'm eating my own head!
- Aaron Green: [Aaron has a balloon full of heroin up his ass] Oh, no.
- Aldous Snow: What?
- Aaron Green: I have to sneeze... and I'm afraid that if I do... my bowels will evacuate...
- Pharrell Williams: You're five zippers away from "Thriller".
- Sergio Roma: Oh, and you're one shirt away from Carlton, muthafucka.
- Aaron Green: Nothing you say makes any sense, I understand that now, you're just a fucking junkie and you're smart so you make your insanity sound, good but its bullshit.
- [Aldous is talking to Jackie]
- Lars Ulrich: Babe, we should get back to Naples. He's waiting back there for us.
- Aldous Snow: Why don't you go sue Napster, you little Danish twat!
- Matty: Man, that opening party was incredible. Check out the pictures on Myspace. There's one of me eating cheese off some girl's titties.
- Aaron Green: Please just lie to me and say I didn't miss another awesome party.
- Matty: You missed an awesome party. I woke up with glitter on my dick.
- Aldous Snow: Aaron, look at what you're wearing. Do you think that now you live in Seattle, you're grunge or something? You look like a lesbian.
- Aaron Green: Play the song, man.
- Pharrell Williams: How do I look?
- Sergio Roma: Man, lose the pink. It's not gangster.
- Pharrell Williams: That's your problem. Everything is gangster with you.
- Sergio Roma: The name of the song is "I'm Gangsta!"
- Aaron Green: Are you Paul Krugman?
- Paul Krugman: Uh, yeah.
- Aaron Green: My dad loves your shit.
- Paul Krugman: Uh, thank you.
- Aldous Snow: Doesn't it make sense that we should stay here and possibly have the time of your life?
- Aldous Snow: Now I'm just worried about drugs. Your life's to-do list must be a baffling document. You're worried about so many things Aaron. You're worried about will we get to the show, will I perform well, will you get the credit you deserve. Mine has on it but one word. Do you know what that word is?
- Aaron Green: I think I just got raped.
- Aldous Snow: [handing him a joint] Only one thing to do.
- Aaron Green: [taking a hit] Uh, guys? What is this stuff? My heart's going really fast.
- Aldous Snow: Oh, it's a bit of this, a bit of that. It's called a Jeffrey. It's mostly weed, with a bit of opium as well... ground-up E's... heroin... Clorox...
- Aaron Green: I think I'm having a heart attack.
- Sergio Roma: Stop smiling like that. You look like an 8 year old who just discovered his first boner.
- Aaron Green: ...Well I don't have one so...
- Aldous Snow: [urging Aaron to put drugs up his rectum] Come on, mate, we ain't got all day. It's not recreational, it's not meant to be a hobby, just get it up there. Close the door behind ya.
- Jonathan Snow: I'm responsible for your talent, son. I wrote all your songs off the tip of my cock.
- Aldous Snow: Yeah, I just don't get how talent can be contained in one's spunk.