Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent

What a god awful waste of time and television broadcasting bandwidth. This movie is an IQ test . . . if you watch, you fail. I thought nothing could be worse than Bone Eater... I was wrong. Nothing could possibly be worse than Mutants... I stand corrected. There were so many things wrong with this movie, not the least of which was the acting, there's just everywhere to start, and nowhere to finish. I've seen more realistic responses from a corpse than those generated by the rejects performing in this piece of trash. Why would anyone in the movie-making business let their name be associated with this thing? Anyway, do yourself a favor, sidle up to a piece of metal and watch rust develop... you'll be far happier.

A group of bratty, narcissistic kids venture into the deep swamps of West Bumblef&%k to go camping. These morons wind up running over the wife of a guy (whom we saw in the prologue mess around with a voodoo stick and unleashes a demon snake with an alligator head that killed his father) So after the jerks do their little hit and run, the guy,in a fit of rage, draws the snake/alligator thing eating the SUV they're in. So naturally the demonic thing attempts to kill them one by one. Thus making the film longer then it needs to be. Oh yeah and DMX is in it very sporadically. Despite top-billings it's merely slightly more then a glorified cameo.

Part killer snake flick, part "Pukinhead", ALL bad. I haven't been this bored or this mad at a so-called 'movie' in quite some time. This one has absolutely no redeeming values, bad wooden acting, atrocious special effect, the lamest dialog you're liable to hear in quite some time and an incredibly anti-climatic ending. It left a really horrid taste in my mouth. I've seen so many killer animal films and can safely say this was one of the worst.

My Grade: F

DVD Extras: A meager stills gallery (almost half of it devoted to DMX and his bazooka); trailer for this film; and trailers for Dark Reel, Baseline Killer, & Ghost Month

As a child, Alan Cade steals a wooden voodoo box containing a magical pen that has the power to make whatever is drawn with it become a reality; years later, when a monster truck accidentally runs down his wife Becky, Alan uses the pen to summon a monster to seek revenge on the occupants of the vehicle, five friends partying at a nearby cabin.

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (AKA Carnivorous) is a derivative straight-to-DVD piece of garbage that rips off its basic revenge plot from enjoyable straight-to-video 80s horror Pumpkinhead. But where Pumpkinhead proved to be a fun creature-feature thanks to solid direction from FX legend Stan Winston, a very cool monster (also by Winston), and a decent performance from seasoned pro Lance Henrickson, Carnivorous simply elicits boredom and unintentional laughter in equal measures with its uninspired script, inexperienced cast, and truly crappy beast—an over-sized, poorly rendered CGI snake with an alligator's head.

Opening with an embarrassingly naff credits sequence, complete with cheesy lightning effects and statues with glowing red eyes, Carnivorous does not bode well from the outset, and matters only get worse from thereon in: director Amir Valinia sets up the film's back-story in an awful prologue that displays a complete lack of talent from its child actors (while also showcasing a neat array of dollar store Halloween props), before cutting to the present day, where he introduces viewers to his equally untalented adult cast, a bunch of total unknowns who are likely to remain that way if this is the kind of bilge they choose to appear in.

After some predictably dumb drunken shenanigans at the cabin, during which sexist jerk Kurt (Caleb Michaelson) gets a lap-dance from drunken big-breasted slapper Ashley (Victoria Vodar), Kurt's nice-girl girlfriend Sam (Lauren Fain) seeks comfort in the arms of good-guy Kelly (Wes Brown), and Ashley has sex with her boyfriend (but annoyingly keeps her bra on the whole time), the creature finally moves in for the kill. Several unimpressive death scenes later, ex-rapper DMX turns up with a rocket launcher and blows the 'snakigator' to kingdom come, finally putting an end to our suffering.

I guess I'm the only person here who enjoyed "Carnivorous," also titled "Lockjaw: The Curse of the Kulev Serpent." Not that it was great or even really good but it delivered pretty well as an entertaining Grade-B creature-on-the-loose flick in the "Friday the 13th" mold (Jason was definitely an infernal creature btw or he at least became one as the series progressed).

THE PLOT: A serpent-with-an-alligator-head is released in rural Louisianna via a Voodoo pen that's formed into a serpent/alligator with red glowing eyes. This is unique, but the main plot is the same as most creature features based on "Friday the 13th": A group of youths go out to the boonies to party while the creature takes 'em out one by one. The kids who have sex die, the ones who don't live. So, although the way the monster is released is original (and nigh incomprehensible), the main story is standard.

I should also point out that rapper DMX appears as a black Rambo-type, but it's not a significant role until the 3rd act.

You'll note that everyone else here only gives the film a very low rating so they all obviously think it's a total piece of excrement. However, despite this being a low-budget monster flick it delivered quite well in a handful of requisite areas:

• The film was shot in the cane fields of rural Louisianna; any time you get a modern flick of this ilk shot anywhere other than B.C. Canada it's a plus.

• Most here comment on how unlikable the youths are, but they act precisely as youths would act on vacation at a party cabin in the sticks. Most of us acted this way when we were that age, at parties anyway. Regardless, at least two or three of them aren't obnoxious in any way that I can detect.

• The heroine of the tale, Lauren fain who plays Sam, is good. She's not ultra-sexy or anything but she's likable with a uniquely pretty face.

• Victoria Vodar, who plays Ashley, is the sexpot in requisite skimpy attire. She has a dance sequence that's worth the price of admission. One reviewer referred to this sequence as "exceptionally poor;" all I can say is he has no eye for exceptionally gorgeous women or tantalizing dance sequences.

• The first half of the film highlights a married couple (Louis Herthum & Debra Arnott) who genuinely love each other and clearly show it. This is so rare today, particularly in these types of films, that when you observe it it's not only pleasant, it's actually shocking.

• The CGI creature isn't seen too often but it's serviceable, if not remarkable.

WHAT DOESN'T WORK:

• As noted above, some aspects of the plot concerning the voodoo creature are nigh incomprehensible, but you'll get the gist of it. (What I was wondering is: What if the person with the occultic pen drew something other than a big serpent-creature killing the people? Would the curse still work or does s/he HAVE to draw a serpent-like creature? If so, how did the little boy at the beginning acquire this knowledge?).

• The film's not all that compelling; the storytelling could have been better.

• The absolute worst part of this picture is the hit-and-run scene where the kids hit a woman in their vehicle IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and NOT ONE OF THEM EVEN NOTICES! They dismiss it as possibly hitting an animal or something. Why sure! This sequence is so bad that there's no way I could possibly give the film anything above 5/10 Stars (for what it is) in good conscience.

The film runs a short-but-sweet 76 minutes.

BOTTOM LINE: With the exception of the lame hit-and-run sequence the film delivers pretty well as a fun low-budget creature-on-the-loose flick, nicely shot in the cane fields of Louisianna. Lauren Fain is a solid heroine with a uniquely attractive face and Victoria Vodar's awe-inducing scenes are worth the price of admission.

GRADE: C+

I saw this title on TV last night,I surprised that how be worst a movie like this ? There is no suspense, no horror, no twist and even not having a climax also ! No voodoo Magic shown as voodoo sticks are in the story. Even a magic created creature destroyed by a human made gun ? Wow ! I shut my mind until the end of movie and I could not see last the end due to such a waste time movie. I never recommended this movie to anyone. If any one try he will be disappointed. I suggest them to see 'Anaconda','Godzila' and 'Jurasic park'. I also thanks that this movie is not released as worldwide as theater version, otherwise no second show would have been screened at theaters.