- Tank: You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.
- Tank: I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.
- Kindly Stripper: When it comes to love, there is only one thing you can trust. It's not your friends. It's not your head. Its that little voice inside your clamburger.
- [In a different voice]
- Kindly Stripper: Listen to me
- Tank: Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.
- Dustin: You need to get her back.
- Tank: But I don't deserve her.
- Dustin: No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.
- Tank: That's fucked up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.
- Dustin: Yes. So what's stopping you?
- Tank: I propositioned her mother for a blow job.
- Heavily Pierced Kid: Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?
- Tank: How is the Pizza of Nazareth?
- Heavily Pierced Kid: People worship it.
- Hilary: I am deeply offended.
- Tank: I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.
- Hilary: You people are sinners!
- Heavily Pierced Kid: You people should have thought about that nineteen years ago before you stopped my mother from going into that clinic! Have a blessed day.
- Tank: How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.
- Professor Turner: See I always knew your mom was the best it was ever going to get for me. And I never asked the more important question which is, was I the best it was ever going to get for her?
- Tank: If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody fucking masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind FUCK of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks
- [makes whimpering noise]
- Tank: . Ok? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!
- Tank: Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my fuckin' mouth.
- Ami: Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.
- Tank: Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. Fuckin' goddamn what do ya call that shit AJ?
- AJ: Afghani kush krytonite.
- Tank: Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.
- Ami: You really are like a super special kind of asshole, aren't you?
- Rachel: Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.
- Tank: Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.
- Tank: You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me.
- Tank: Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone.
- Tank: [Addressing Alexis] Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey.
- Professor Turner: One of my teaching assistants and a very, very hard working woman.
- [teaching assistant exits]
- Professor Turner: Last night I fucked her to within an inch of her life. True story. I'm champin' her, head through the headboard, and I flip her over and she screams give me a choker. I play the choir boy and say what's that? Starwiped her five minutes later and she's bugging like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. Now I'm getting scared and as I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head she goes
- [makes farting noise motioning away from mid section]
- Professor Turner: like an airbag. And that was Tuesday night.
- Tank: I tried like a motherfucker to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session.
- Tank: Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary.
- Ami: Pretend it is a year aboard. Instead of going to Europe. You are just going to bang a shitload of dudes.
- Tank: Yet, I am concerned that you've had a few too many drinks and now your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.