- Donkey: My mama used to always say, 'Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries!' Usually that someone's me.
- Shrek: [Entering shop] Oh, good, you're still open!
- Bookstore Clerk: No. No. Uh, we're closing now. Merry Christmas!
- [starts pushing Shrek out the door]
- Shrek: [pushes door open] Wait! Wait! I need your help. I have to make a Christmas and I have no idea what it is or how to do it.
- Bookstore Clerk: [excited] Why didn't you say so? That's super! I know all about Christmas, and I have just the book for you: 'Christmas For Village Idiots.'
- Shrek: T'was the night before Christmas, not a swamp rat did creep / As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep / Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop / For it was sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop / Yet who is arriving to help this lost cause? / The foul, the vile... and handsome Ogre Claus!
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] Hey. How's it going?
- Shrek: He looked all around and scratched at his beard / and said... and said...
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] This place is worse than I thought... uh, feared!
- Shrek: So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face / And let loose a...
- [Loud belch]
- Shrek: ...That transformed the place / With a gleam in his eye, his work here was done / And then to the babies he gave one by one / A festering bottle of stinky swamp juice / And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose.
- [Motions to goose Fiona, but then pulls out a goose]
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] 325 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.
- Shrek: Then digging a finger inside of his nose / and giving a nod up the chimney he rose / And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight / Smelly Christmas to all / And to all a gross night!
- Puss in Boots: In my homeland, we tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicolas / He's not made of waffles / This Santa was suave / He was nothing like that / The Santa I know / Was a hot Latin cat! / He was dressed all in fur / From his head to his paws / And he stood there heroic, / A real Santa... Claws. / Red are his boots / And so is his cape; / His sword is a cane / That tastes like crabcake. / He wears a fine belt / And a leather cravat / And there's a cute, fuzzy thing / Which hangs down from his... hat.
- [purring and tapping on bell]
- Puss in Boots: [Comes to] I have shamed myself.
- Donkey: Oh, man, it's finally here! Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! You got everything ready?
- Shrek: No.
- Donkey: You mean you haven't trimmed your stockings or hung your chestnuts or roasted the tree?
- Shrek: No!
- Donkey: Or figgified your pudding?
- Shrek: Donkey! Will you get it through your thick head: no one here gives a hoot about Christmas!
- Donkey: Yeah? Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas. And if you think I am going to give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken.
- Shrek: You want to give me a present? Then go away! That's all I wanted!
- Donkey: Fine! I'm going!
- Shrek: Good! Then go!
- Donkey: You go and have yourself a merry Christmas, Ebeneezer Shrek!
- Shrek: And a Bah Humbug to you, too!
- Gingerbread Man: I don't feel so good.
- [throws up]
- Gingerbread Man: I feel better now.
- Donkey: Ooh, a chocolate chip!
- [eats Gingy's throw-up]
- Princess Fiona: I have to go back to the house now.
- Shrek: I'm surprised we still have a house to go back to.
- [after Gingy tells of how Santa ate his girlfriend]
- Donkey: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Now, you know that's not how it happened.
- Gingerbread Man: You weren't there!
- Princess Fiona: [about Shrek's decorations] It's beautiful.
- Shrek: It's passable.
- Donkey: It's horrible! Usually they just throw toilet paper and run away, but whoever did this means business!
- Shrek: T'was the night before Christmas, not a swamprat did creep / As mom and the kids played kazoo in their sleep / The house was a sight that would make an ogre droop / For it was sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop / And who should arrive to help this lost cause? / The vile, the foul... and handsome Ogre Claus!
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] Hey. How's it going?
- Shrek: He looked around scratching his beard / and said... and said...
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] This is worse than I thought... feared!
- Shrek: So he adjusted his gut and scrunched up his face / And let out a...
- [Loud belch]
- Shrek: ... That transformed the place / Seeing that his work was all done / He turned to the kids, and he gave one by one / A bottle of festering swamp juice / And to mom a kiss and a big Christmas goose.
- [Motions to goose Fiona, but then pulls out a goose]
- Shrek: [as Ogre Claus] 325 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.
- Shrek: And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight / Smelly Christmas to all / And to all a gross night!