- Poison Ivy: You're pathetic, you know that?
- Harley Quinn: Come on, Red. So Mr. J. was a little stressed about money. Now that he's loaded, Puddin'll buy my way out, too.
- Poison Ivy: Oh yeah, right, sure thing, Harl.
- [shows Harley the newspaper frontpage]
- Harley Quinn: [reading headline] "Joker seeks new henchgirl"?
- [exterior shot of Arkham]
- Harley Quinn: I'LL KILL HIM!
- [on a videotaped deathbed message]
- King Barlowe: Hiya, Joker. If you're playing this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million, which, knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff, money, jewels and gold, it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money, the I.R.S. is after you, and you can't admit I fooled you, or you'll be the laughingstock of the underworld. The joke's on you, sucker! I got the last laugh after all!
- [He starts laughing hysterically, then gasps and reaches for his oxygen tank, but is still grinning into the camera when Joker shoots the television]
- Ernie: Hey boss. Why didn't you buy Harley a ticket out of the bin too?
- The Joker: Now, now, Ernie. Mustn't be too extravagant. besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.
- [Walking among a row of "Harley candidates"]
- The Joker: Too fat. Too small. Too old.
- The Joker: [takes a good look at Paul Dini, dressed in a Harley Quinn outfit] ... No.
- Paul Dini: Darn!
- The Joker: If I don't pay my taxes, I'll go to jail. But if I admit Barlowe duped me, I'll look like a fool!
- Ernie: Maybe you can raise the cash by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish.
- The Joker: [patting him on the head, sarcastically] Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it so he can kick my keister right back into Arkham!
- [pushing him away]
- The Joker: Dope.
- Dick Grayson: You sure The Joker's inside?
- Barbara Gordon: The Penguin's throwing a "going legit" party.
- Oswald Cobblepot: Sorry, we're full up tonight. Shoo, shoo.
- Barbara Gordon: [loudly] Gee, you'd never think Penguin would turn away the Police Commissioner's daughter.
- Oswald Cobblepot: [under his breath] Egad, Gordon's brat!
- [speaks up]
- Oswald Cobblepot: My dear Miss Gordon, how nice to see you! Welcome, have fun, and by all means, send the bill to me.
- Barbara Gordon: Thank you, Mr. Cobblepot.
- Oswald Cobblepot: [muttering] Lousy little freeloader...
- [at Joker's "going legit" party]
- Oswald Cobblepot: What's the scheme this time, Joker?
- The Joker: Ha! No scheme at all, old bird. I'm free, I'm rich, and I'm loving it! I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out.
- Oswald Cobblepot: [pouring champagne] Living well is the best revenge.
- [they clink glasses]
- [the Joker's getaway car comes to a halt]
- The Joker: I thought I told you to get gas!
- Harley Quinn: We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do? Fill the tank, shoot the guy, and drive off?
- The Joker: [nods] Mm-hmm.
- Harley Quinn: NOW, you tell me!
- The Joker: [to his barking hyenas] Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other.
- The Joker: After all, it's only money. So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again. Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.
- Harley Quinn: [dressed as a police guard] One of them's dying to see you, too, puddin'.
- The Joker: Harley?
- Harley Quinn: The one and only.
- The Joker: You... you don't know how happy I am to see you!
- Harley Quinn: Welcome to the club.
- The Joker: [laughing nervously] Now, baby, I can...
- [sounds of him getting clobbered]
- The Joker: ... argh! Explain! Ow! Ooh! Ee! Owww!
- The Joker: [shooting at Batman, his gun clicks empty] Quick, more bullets!
- Harley Quinn: Sorry, puddin'. That was the last clip. You know how expensive they are.
- The Joker: [robbing a bank envoy] No laughing gas, no grins. No way Batboy can trace this back to me.
- [the boat rocks]
- The Joker: Hey, keep the boat in the water!
- Fake Harley: [steering] This definitely wasn't in the job description.
- The Joker: Alas, the bitter jest of fate. The once mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.
- The Joker: Well, that was a complete fiasco! If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job. Give me the loot.
- Harley Quinn: Don't you have it?
- The Joker: Well, well, Bruce Wayne. Join me.
- [to a passing waitress]
- The Joker: A bottle of your best, my dear, for my guest.
- Bruce Wayne: You'll understand if I refuse. The last time we met, you tried to throw me off a building.
- The Joker: I did? Well, that was so long ago.
- Bruce Wayne: It was last month.
- The Joker: [seeing the Batmobile approach] Whoops! Time to eject.
- [he pulls a lever, and his seat ejects from the car]
- Harley Quinn: [searching for her own] Hey, where's mine?
- The Joker: Sorry, kiddo! I could only afford one!
- Harley Quinn: You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, you lousy tightwad!
- Batman: [to one of Joker's henchmen] Why the disguise, Ernie? Where is he?
- Ernie: I don't know what you're talking about!
- The Penguin: He can't threaten my guests.
- Batman: Let me jog your memory.
- [sounds of a splash and Ernie gurgling, followed by a toilet flushing; Penguin creeps away]
- Fake Harley: Hey, Mr. G, this money looks weird.
- The Joker: What do you mean?
- [taking it]
- The Joker: It's a plain old stack of 100s. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little...
- [taking a closer look]
- The Joker: What? King Barlowe?
- [going to another stack]
- The Joker: He's on this stack. And this one!
- Fake Harley: He's on every one of these 1000s.
- The Joker: I don't understand.
- Ernie: [showing him a videocassette] Hey, boss. I found this.
- The Joker: [opening a letter he receives] "Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mr. Edward, AKA King Barlowe..." whoo-hoo, there's good news. I hated him. "... who, in accordance with his last wishes has bequeathed to you the total..." $250 million!
- [jumping to his feet, laughing with joy]
- The Joker: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Good old King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.
- Arkham Guard: Harley Quinn's escaped!
- Arkham Guard: Seal all exits!
- Arkham Guard: Maybe she went down the laundry chute.
- Arkham Guard: None of the yahoos are crazy enough to pull THAT old stunt!
- Poison Ivy: [under her breath] Ha!
- Harley Quinn: [In a washing machine] Help! Help! Ivy! Anybody! GET ME OUTTA HERE!