- Clay: Orel, love gets in the way of the important things in life. Like going to sleep or being left alone.
- Orel: Mom, why did you marry Dad?
- Bloberta Puppington: Why not?
- Orel: It's just, when he drinks he changes into a bad person.
- Bloberta Puppington: He doesn't change, it's just his true nature coming out.
- The Mountain Goats: I hope our few remaining friends/ give up on trying to save us./ I hope we come up with a failsafe plot/ to piss off the dumb few that forgave us/ I hope the fences we mended/ fall down beneath their own weight/ and I hope we keep on past the last exit/ I hope it's already too late. / And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here/ someday burns down/ and I hope the rising black smoke/ carries me far away/ and I never come back to this town again/ in my life/ I hope I lie. / And tell everyone you were a good wife/ And I hope you die/ I hope we both die.
- Blood Donor: Ha-ha! Blood, blood, money, money, booze, booze, booze!
- Numberplate: [Wedding Limousine] NO4PLAY
- Clay: Orel, I've been a Bad Dad, I admit it! Sorry about Shooting you, sorry about the Ignoring, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Singer: There's a blurry girl at the end of my nose...
- Singer: Other guys' tongues have been in your mouth, other guys' tongues have been in your mouth. But that's okay 'cos you brushed your teeth!
- Ms Censoredall: Last to spurn, first to burn.
- The Mountain Goats: Like a trash can fire in a prison cell/ like the searchlights in the parking lot of Hell/ I will walk all the way down with you/ if you will come all the way down with me.
- Doctor: Yes, most people would be disgusted by a wound like that. With me it's quite the opposite...
- Singer: It's not your time, my Valentine...
- Reverend Putty: You're looking at the Crucifixion with Beer Goggles and seeing Marilyn Monroe!
- Clay: I never drink beer!
- Singer: Raising a Flag at the First Sign of Failsafe, another red flag and we've lost half the team. Counting the hours till I lost you at day's end. There's Gold in them Hills, again. We both had a hand in it. You and me both, kid!
- Orel: Turn the other cheek! Turn the other cheek! Show them all how strong you are by simply acting weak. Inherit all the Earth someday 'cos you will be the Meek! Turn the other Cheek!
- Bloberta Puppington: Smack!
- Orel: Turn the other cheek!
- Bloberta Puppington: Smack! Oh, my goodness gracious!
- [Orel's Laundry is covered in Blood]
- Clay: I wish you were on my side!
- Bloberta Puppington: Why would I be on the side of a Self-Destructive Alcoholic?
- Bloberta Puppington: It's called Omnipresence. It's very convenient, it lets you be in two places at once. Imagine that! I could dice tomatoes and at the same time... slice potatoes.
- Clay: Orel, a Father never gives up on his son! Because then he's just a Husband, which is practically worthless...
- Orel: You like my Dad, don't you? I mean, you like my Dad like my Mom likes my Dad, right?
- Coach Stopframe: Your Mom likes your Dad?
- Bloberta Puppington: Are you decent?
- Clay: [On the other side of the Lustguard 6000. Puts on his slippers] Yes.
- Framed Embroidery: Thou Shalt not Masturbate.
- Cult Leader: It's actually the religious folk that look after themselves, and whatnot.
- Singer: Think with your heart/ whoever heard of the Bleeding Brain of Jesus?