Celebrity Love Island

Wow yet another reality show as if we needed another one . I mean a British audience hasn't seen one of these for at least 30 seconds by my reckoning . There's a gimmick attached though - All the contestants are celebrities , or at least celebrity singletons . Does anyone think the producers meant celebrity simpletons ? okay who have we got

Abi Titmuss a foul mouthed middle class trollop who first came to public attention because her fairly famous boyfriend was cleared of sex assault charges in a court case and who appeared in a home sex tape with her boyfriend and ... well I won't go into details since you've probably seen the tape in question . As you might expect Titmuss appears without many clothes and no air brushing and you can't help but notice she should change her name to " Flabby Titmuss "

Rebecca Loos who's claim to fame is that she's bisexual , had an affair with a very famous married footballer and appeared on another reality show where she had to collect pig semen . Hands up who felt sorry for the poor piggy ?

Jayne Middlemiss who used to work as a page three girl before becoming a TV presenter . Actually she comes across as a fairly nice human being while most of the other contestants seem to have a problem being human beings never mind fairly nice ones

Perhaps this has contributed to CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND being one of the biggest TV disasters in years . You know how the word " Celebrity " creeps up in the title ? well apart from the three people I've named I have no idea who the other ones are apart from some bloke who used to be in EASTENDERS several years ago so we're not talking megastars here . It should also be pointed out that absolutely nothing seems to happen and we just get shots of these non entities sitting by a pool sunbathing and talking about nothing of any interest . The show is censored so any libelous conversations such as one cropping up about a footballer who used to trawl car parks for sex ( You know who you are ) are cut and edited sound of splashing waves appear on the soundtrack

It might sound laughably cynical but does this show have any function other than masturbation fuel ? I mean that's probably what a great number of people tuned in for but it becomes obvious that even if a couple got it on there's no way the TV company will be broadcasting recorded highlights never mind real time rumpo so I guess that's why the audience figures took a massive dive . 6.4 million viewers watched the first episode but a couple of days later the figures were just over 3 million and it looks like the show is getting pulled long before it finishes its scheduled five week run and you have to ask why anyone thought this pile of crap was a good idea in the first place

Let this be a warning to TV producers , very little people give a toss about a CELEBRITY LOVE ISLAND which is devoid of celebrities anyone would love and hopefully it will help to kill off this ridiculous obsession with reality shows . We don't want reality - We want Christopher Eccleston saving Billie Piper from evil monsters

This may rank as one of the low points in the history of British TV;12 "celebrities" are flown off to some exotic tropical Island to see if there is any mutual attraction with each other,hopefully leading to sexual attraction.The word "celebrity" once had rather more respectful meaning for most of the 20th Century;mainly with those who had achieved fame because they deserved it,through endless hard work and great ability at their chosen field.In the 21st Century,particularly in the UK,it is now mostly associated with tawdry,dislikable,intractably pointless excuses for human beings most interested in seeing their names in equally reprehensible tabloid newspapers or c_______ magazines.(You notice I've blanked that word beginning with "c" out.To me,it's becoming far more offensive than all other profane Anglo-Saxon expletives combined)

And so it was that ITV,one of Britain's main terrestrial TV stations,decided to inflict this unbelievably awful dross for two seasons.And even more disgracefully,at peak viewing times.The young males and females displayed were attractive in a slightly superficial manner,but all hopes of anything else you would want from a good TV programme (i.e. character-filled or funny personalities,great entertainment,interesting incident,etc.) was doomed from the nano-second it began.And any hopes of seeing any dirty deeds between the contestants produced instant disappointment;maybe everyone involved knew their lucrative pay cheques would've bounced like a ping-pong ball if they had indulged in the most basic of human behaviour.

If such happenings had taken place and been seen by the viewing public,some people may have at least had a sense of personal gratification;as it was,even in heavily edited form,we witnessed a mind-numbingly dreary waste of air space,with individuals who were mostly so self-absorbed,vacuous or brutally annoying that frustrated viewers like myself wished the title had been changed to C________ DROWNING,where you could phone in to nominate every day which seedy,resistible member of this motley crew could be thrown in the nearby Ocean and just left to flounder,thereby ensuring we would hopefully never have to watch people like this in shows like this again.

To describe the list of people who took part in these two series as "Z" list is not accurate;if any person one day finds a new letter (or letters) to come after "Z",then that will be clearly apt.Currently,there are 26 letters in the English alphabet;if we ever get to the 1,000th,then you'll have reached that trough as far as this programme is concerned.

Who were the worst offenders? With so much competition,it is so difficult,but Paul Danan,desperate enough to star in both series,is the nominal winner;so amazingly smug and irritating that even a prostitute he's just paid £1,000,000 would think twice about associating with him,but he's closely followed by Abi Titmuss (notorious for her lascivious public image,but curiously reticent here,maybe because of pound signs in her eyes),Alicia Douvall(grubby groupie),Calum Best(tenth-rate playboy and a poor imitation of his late father George,but minus the peerless footballing talent),and Sophie Anderton.Yes,the ex-cokey model blubbed,scowled,sneered and caterwauled all her way out of our hearts,though she may have been the reason why TV bosses concluded that even this awful spectacle went below the lowest common denominator.By the second series,even the "C" word was dropped as the producers were reduced to persuading the stepsons and stepdaughters of actors and footballers to non-entertain us all.As for who won,well who cares? I know that deep down nobody won in the end;the losers were the British viewing public,and the producers who most probably spent several million pounds on this amazingly pointless drivel,which could have been better used on genuinely talented actors,writers and directors,making worthwhile programmes.Now that it's cancelled,will TV bosses spend similar amounts on the former,or more "reality" shows? I'm afraid I'm dreading to think....

RATING:1 out of 10.

This is a really funny celebrity reality show. its sexy, original and most of all, funny. Watching celebrities like Sophie Anderton and Lady V fighting over a bloke really cracked me up, and when Lady Victoria tipped a bottle of wine over Miss Anderton's head, i screamed in laughter!!! I am 15 years old, and currently living in the UK, and I have to say, that following Love Island for 6 whole weeks was a fun adventure. Me, my dad and his Girlfriend watched every episode and often couldn't stop laughing at Sophie's tantrums, Lee's over-obsession with sexy Colleen (bless him) the Love Triangles between Sophie, Chris, Lady Victoria and Bianca, Leo and Callum. Pure TV gold!!! I really hope another series of Love Island comes out because watching Celebs fighting, screaming and cheating was never so fun!!!

In a formula that is pure Big Brother, a group of minor UK celebrities are sent to a tropical island, given booze, bikinis and beds and left to their own devices. Viewers can vote them into the Love Shack in male/female pairs to increase the sexual tension, and they can also vote people off the island – this being the way we get to the winner in the end. With this much sexual potential and tension between all manner of beautiful women and men, the viewers will be climbing all over it.

But sadly, at time of writing, they aren't – although that might change. It is a mystery why this has struggled – at least with ITV's Celebrity Wrestling you can see for yourself why nobody watched it, it was stupid and just a poor idea from the start. But with Love Island it is strange when you look at the other things that still draw an audience (Big Brother for example) and see how alike they are – but yet this struggles. Also, this show captures the two great loves of the British tabloids – sex and celebrities; hell, we even have two women on the island who are famous for having sex – be it home videos or affairs – and nothing else really. To up the stakes higher, some of the celebs have already supposedly been an item, making sex more likely and thus making it more likely that ITV get high ratings.

However, after one episode, millions turned off and, a week into the series, it looked like this would be going the way of Celebrity Wrestling (embarrassingly banished from prime time to a kids TV slot!). However it is rumoured that the ITV execs in charge flew to the island and confronted the group – reminding them of the salaries they have been paid and sternly warning them that they are not on holiday but are making a television programme – reality or not! This explains why in the last few days, after a week of nothing happening at all, a fight has kicked off, one of the men has shaved his hair into a Mohawk, people have started kissing out of nowhere and two of the women have been kissing and touching each other – basically pushing all the buttons required to get big headlines in the tabloids and thus get the related audience share. This rouse may work slightly to stop the rot but I really hope it doesn't mainly because it is tantamount to staging titillating material and, for that, we don't need to have it dressed up as "reality".

Despite this sudden, faked rush for tabloid headlines, the show has been mainly poor – boring, lacking character and imagination in the concept. The lack of ideas shows that the producers have simply put all their eggs in the sex and celebrity basket, showing a real contempt for the audience that I am happy to say that millions of us have thrown back in their faces so far. The "cast" are pretty poor (I call them cast because, lets be honest, the reality aspect is gone and they are now playing roles) and their description as "celebrities" had me reaching for the telephone to contact my local Trading Standards. They are mostly old soap stars, the outcome of sex scandals and, weakest of all, the son of a footballer (Best). They are all quite toned and beautiful in their own ways but none are people and you watch it safe in the knowledge that they are here for one reason alone – and it isn't sex or to win the game, it is money. Each person was paid to take part – and paid very handsomely as well, the least being tens of thousands of pounds for a few weeks on the island – any wonder ITV demanded they start playing along for the cameras; they have made a big investment. The cast aren't helped by the hosts – Kielty used to be funny but at least seems to have his tongue in his cheek here; but vacuous pretty-girl Brook is a poor presenter and every word feels like it is being read off a big, slow autocue machine.

Overall this is a poor show. It won't be cancelled and it won't end the run of reality shows or celebrity shows but it is unlikely it will get a second series. Why it failed and the others have gotten the audience is not clear (they all seem as bad as each other to me) but I guess it is because it failed to get the tabloids on board – a sad reflection on the British public, we just watch and gossip about what the papers tell us to. Recent attempts to force the sex appeal up will have reversed this and will save the show (and ITV's face) but it is still just a salvage job and things will be better when it is over.

Now whats that distinctive noise you hear?Yes your right.It's the bottom of the barrel being scraped relentlessly one more time.Only this time we have reached the end of the line.NO MORE PLEASE! This years winners were Calum Best and Bianca Gascoigne.A man famous for being the son of a famous footballer and a young woman famous for being the daughter of a woman married to a famous footballer.Speakes volumes dosen't it?Really accentuates the celebrity bit in the title dosen't it? ITV are genuinely insulting the viewers intelligence by actually allowing this piece of meaningless drivel to be broadcast.What person decided this waste of time to be deemed fit for public consumption?Surely after the rock bottom ratings for the first series it would have acted as a dose of cold,hard reality to ITV and make them execute this monstrosity but alas it was unleashed on the poor public again. Please ITV do everyone a massive favour and end this once and for all