- JJ: My therapist told me story, true story, about this guy who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.
- Jess: It's an anecdote, not strictly a story.
- JJ: The moment he jumped, he realized that the only thing in his life he couldn't fix was the thing he'd just done. I mean, can you imagine those 5 seconds as he fell. The agony of that. Well, to me, it feels like I fell without falling, because of you guys. I had my 5 seconds up on that roof, and not in the air.
- Martin: You know how I feel when I wake up in the morning? Humiliated. How do I feel at lunch time? Humiliated. My life flows in a steady stream of humiliation. I'm not sad, not angry, just humiliated.
- Martin: We belong together, we're a team I mean we're the worst team the world has ever know and if I were picking none of you would have made it to the subs bench but still.
- [first lines]
- Martin: Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to kill myself. That's the trouble with suicides, I've learned you can't cut the long story short, because it's the long story that people are interested in. Especially if you're me, which regrettably I was, and still am to this day. So, forgive me if you already knew this, but I'm Martin Sharp, the man who had everything. One wife, two children, three dogs, at least four People's Choice Awards, and five mornings a week on the most successful breakfast show in Britain. They were even offering me Mondays off. So far, so good. I had reached middle-age, unscathed, with money in the bank. Until I met Suzy Jenkins at a launch for a new men's moisturizer. All I can say in my defense, Your Honor, is she looked 25 to me.
- JJ: Just a bunch of desperate people being desperate together as a way of feeling a little less desperate.
- Jess: You're getting a thrill out of this, aren't you, you pervert! Oh my God, you're Martin Sharp! You *are* a pervert.