Virgin Territory

I found this film on the shelves of a French hypermarket on a day trip to Calais. Presented in the same font and style as the 'American Pie' films, I have to say that the local French title "Medieval pie - Territoires vierges" did stand out, which was possibly the intention of the DVD marketing company, trying to trade on the success of a similar and more successful series of teen comedy films. Even now, after the event, I'm still not sure whether any of the cast or crew of 'Medieval Pie' have any involvement with the 'American Pie' franchise at all. I'm doubtful. I get the feeling that this movie will be known under a variety of titles in a variety of markets, and that alone should set the alarm bells ringing in the heads of most sane movie reviewers.

There are a few familiar faces on display. Hayden Christensen, Mischa Barton and Tim Roth are the three most obvious 'names', with 'Little Britain's' David Walliams appearing in a blink-and-you'll-almost-miss-him cameo. The main problem is that all these actors are playing characters with hard-to-remember names. Barton is Pampinea, Christensen is Lorenzo (who for some reason masquerades as a deaf-and-dumb gardener in a convent where for some reason all the nuns have sex with him, a central joke that gets tired very quickly, even with all the nudity) while Roth is the main villain, Gerbino de la Ratto. I was rather more impressed with Matthew Rhys' Russian Count Dzerzhinsky, who rattled off his name and lineage on several occasions without missing a beat - I could have done with a memory like that to remember exactly who was who. It was a struggle at times.

My favourite scene was probably when the two women who get captured (Rosalind Halstead & Kate Groombridge I believe) try and escape by tricking their guards into dropping their trousers and lining up in order of size and then creating an argument about whether you start small and work up, or start large and work down (or even start in the middle!). That was fun. The main love story involving Barton and her three suitors (Christensen, Roth and Rhys) is perhaps not so successful, and the less said about the sex-obsessed nuns the better. It's an old fantasy for sure, imagining what nuns get up to behind closed convent doors, but not especially original.

I've seen worse comedies for sure - anything involving Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg for one thing, but I have seen better too. I suppose for the genre it represents, this sits somewhere in the middle of the pack, so even though it did bypass the cinemas and go straight-to-DVD, it's not really that bad. It deserves one viewing at least, but whether it will hold up to multiple screenings is much less certain. I'm not sure it will. I guess what I'm really saying, is wait until the sales - don't pay full price for it - unless you have a thing about nuns getting naked, in which case this is a 10/10 movie for sure. For me though, it's just a five.

A young man engages in debauchery and swashbuckling adventures in 14th century Italy. This film is mostly harmless, but an incredibly lame attempt to make a sex comedy set during the time of the Roman Empire as Europe is devastated by the Black Plague. The script and direction are so amateurish that it looks like a low-budget TV movie. It is difficult to buy Christensen as a swashbuckling hero, as he looks about twelve and has little screen presence. Roth looks embarrassed to have become involved with this project. The only selling point here is that there are some quite attractive women in the cast and they tend to disrobe with some regularity.

I laughed (out loud) once. I hardly think that constitutes a 'comedy' for me.

There are a few witty one-liners, and a touch of situational humor, but most of the humor is pretty stale and dry. I think they were trying for something along the lines of The Princess Bride, but missed the mark entirely.

There were a few sword-fights, but that hardly supports an entire 'adventure', and the plot was utterly formulaic and you could see 10 minutes ahead of the film at any given point.

As for the romance, well, the ONE romantic idea present in the film just wasn't enough to qualify it for a romance film either.

My hat is off to anyone who can find an ounce of drama in this movie either...

So, what is it? Something to pass the time if you literally have nothing else to do. As I mentioned before, I'd recommend watching the Princess Bride if you haven't, or watching it again, rather than watch this.

I gave it three stars because the acting wasn't terrible, there were those witty one-liners, and I did manage to laugh once.

Virgin Territory is for secondary and high-school teens. If you're older than 18, you can't get any taste from this work of fiction, or wise to say, a tale.

Tim Roth, Mischa Barton and Hayden Christensen form a love triangle. Tim Roth is the bad guy, the grim Roman knight; Mischa Barton is the princess popular with her virginity; and Hayden Christensen is an adventurer exactly seems like Robin Hood. By the way, we have a narrator, our storyteller who also plays a role, too.

The tale takes place in feudal Europe, at the age of Roman Empire, and in the most leisured class of this empire: Florence. It's the epoch just before the invention of the gunpowder. Nevertheless, there is no historical coherence in this movie; for it's a fantasy. An absolutely complete fantasy of a craftsman working at the construction of a cathedral, who is also our narrator. While he was drawing artistic figures to the ceiling, he dreamed of an erotic and desirous fantasy of one man and a full nunnery of nuns playing the doctor-and-patient game altogether.

If you're not from this world or have never watched a B-movie about nuns teaching sexology to a lad yet, then this could be a movie for you. The eroticism factor of Virgin Territory is very modern. Within a negative view, it's purposely making fun of the people who don't believe in sex before marriage. In an optimistic view, love still exists; at least whoever in love with someone, stays in love with the same one at the end.

A funny and total shameless teen adventure movie for both boys and girls is what you will find. Don't worry if it's disturbing, obviously it's not. It's basically a modernization of 80s' eroticism epoch. New generation youth wouldn't watch Emmanuelle, right?

Anybody who thought this was a soft core porn movie would be forgiven. The whole 'guy turns up at commune and gets laid half a dozen times'! What's that about, I ask? It's certainly not based on reality. That said the movie is not set in present times so perhaps we shouldn't judge the women within it on a modern standard, supposing nuns no longer put out for a good looking gardener. On that note probably best to stick to the guidance here, if parents are wondering, as it's bound to give us lads a false sense of hope at such a young age. It's not surprising given the directors talents! The movie is difficult to follow, with that results a surprising and interesting film. The actors are all well know teen actors, you will have seen them on the likes of Skins and OC, this is one of those movies that seems to be a summer break for actors, however they did not take a break in acting, if at times they seem a little hung-over, so to speak. There is also more than just a good cast here, there is a mix of nationalities, it varies from all over the world and this adds vastly to the period setting. There is a bit in the movie where the evil guy sees a musket for the first time, and that is a cool idea. What else could the evil baddie say to his minions other than "I want that get me it".

Brilliant cameo from David Williams's (cart pusher) funniest moment of the whole movie. He is only in it for a short while at the beginning but its worth watching the movie for his part alone. It is important to say that id normally save my time for a movie that doesn't deserve its rating, this film is very luck to have a 5 and deserve it, you should watch it and see what you think.