- Ivan Dobsky: I never done it! I only said I done it so they wouldn't give me another jalfrezi enema!
- Paedofinder General: Under English Law you are Innocent until Speculated Guilty!
- Cottager: I've never done this before, I'm really nervous.
- Rasta Man: It's easy, really. You just go over there and piss in the urinal...
- Ivan Dobsky: [sees Nelson Mandela] Ohhhh Mr Drummond! Help! Its that Nelson Bonjela! The most feared terrorist in the whole of South Africa!
- Mr Drummond: Ivan it might be simpler if you just reversed all your 1970s preconceptions.
- Paedofinder General: Did you not induce Mr Whippy to give your daughter a 69?
- Man on the beach: No, a 99.
- Paedofinder General: Well, that's LIKE a 69 but 30 worse!
- Paedofinder General: All gays are paedophiles. It is written in stone. On the wall behind the bus shelter, where I wrote it.
- Paedofinder General: By the power vested in me by mawkish ITV documentaries presented by Martin Bashir, I now pronounce you... a paedophile.
- French Director: It is the Universal Story: when a lady bends over you can almost see her breasts.
- Jihadist: Go on, you're having a laugh you plonker Rodney!
- Singer: Oh to be in England on a Sunday. Dismal England on a Sunday.
- Paedofinder General: For research purposes.
- Policeman: The Focus of this Investigation remains the same: Can anyone give me the Name and Address of any Local Nutter?
- Geezer 1: Essex!
- Geezer 2: London!
- Geezer 1: ESSEX!
- Geezer 2: LONDON!
- Geezer 1: EEEEESSSSSSEEEEEEXXXXX!
- Geezer 2: LOOOOOOONNNDOOOOOON!