Mean Machine: Die Kampfmaschine

I remember my parents telling me they liked this movie a lot after seeing it on Sky Movies . So what you ask ? Well it turns out my parents absolutely detest football so as entertainment this must have a lot more going for it than just soccer

What becomes clear very early on is that it's not really a sports movie it's a prison movie as former England international Danny Meehan ( Vinnie Jones ) is jailed for three years for assault . To be honest the screenplay exaggerates the English/British penal system somewhat as Danny is assaulted by sadistic screws and rubs shoulders with inmates doing 30 years and meeting Monk who has killed at least 23 people

But who said this was a documentary ? It's entertainment for the masses and it does succeed . It's interesting to note that that this was based on an American movie from the mid 1970s and the Brits have done a far better job adapting this than the Americans did with those two movies that starred Michael Caine and by some irony the only real problem this movie suffers from at a producer level is that it's perhaps a little too parochial , I mean would anyone in America understand what the characters are saying ? And since one of the producers is Guy Ritchie he deserves some congratulations to passing the directing helm to Barry Skolnick and letting him direct his way . Weren't audiences getting tired of people emulating Guy Ritchie's directing style by 2001 ? As it stands we have only a recurring cast from LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING Barrels to suggest Ritchie had much of a hand in it

So congratulations to the producers for making a relatively entertaining and commercial British movie . When I come to think about the idea of re-making a mainly forgotten American movie starring Burt Reynolds seems like a stupid idea but it works . I bet this movie will still be more highly regarded this time than the Hollywood remake THE LONGEST YARD which is released this week

You simply cannot put this movie down, a great all British cast and a great all British sport, being British and a great lover of Manchester United, i was up for this film and it didn't diasappoint me in the slightest. Vinnie Jones was brilliant as Danny Meehan and Jason Statham as the 'Monk' was simply classic vintage stuff. The match is what the watchers of this film want to see and it is fantastically constructed, just one tip of advice, don't p*** of the 'Monk'

10/10 stars, classic stuff

Call them old re-cycled clichés from the past perhaps, but this film, with Vinnie Jones and Jason Statham's impressionable performances, is worth seeing before this film hits the video stores or cable! At least, their characters are equally as funny and wild as The Longest Yard-`Burt Reynolds' bunch!

Of course, this is one heck of a guy's movie where cheers are for cons, and jeers for their `screws'! Still, it is one British comedy with loads of silly goofs, strengthened by a fantastic soccer game to hold the viewers' interest. Only wish all soccer games do bring equal excitement! This flick is one mean drama that takes the whole cast to kick up laughter! Yep, good old British `tavern' parlance… if the viewers have a knack for Cockney accents and slang! I'm not a sport fan, nor am I fond of ruthless and insensible nudging, but I literally behaved like a stadium spectator, guffawing boisterously while watching one team demean another. Each team does have its psychotic players with their crazy antics! Tough charlatans and their power struggle out on the open field!

Blimey! Lots of scenes making my brains rock and belly shake! The erratic `Mambo Jumbo' music score certainly builds up steam. No doubt, I'll have to try to get used to `Irish Eyes Are Smiling' strumming up in samba beat! But overall, the music compilation does well to yank up the moods. The camerawork frequently diminishes my eye-focus in my attempt to catch up with the actions and wit! Just one big soccer field for landscape, but there's enough living action to captivate the eyes! Some cool `aerial' camera-shots too!

But atlas, this is not the sort of film that will present food for thought once it's over. Everything is predictable, as in many sport-flicks. Laugh while events last! And believe that the only credible thing about this movie is the extensity of a corrupted man's gambling woes that goes with sport, as portrayed by the villainous Hemmings!

Of course, there's one learning lesson that gets through this flick: it takes meanness to fight meanness! Surprise? Of course not! What else can one expect from a bunch of toughies, involved in a rough sport and within a sinister environment! Rules, therefore, are meant to be broken and there will be plenty of vicious manipulations up everyone's sleeves! And how each culprit tackles it is a laughing matter! I sure had fun watching this flick

Mean Machine is an English reworking of Robert Aldrich's 1974 beefcake Burt Reynolds starrer, The Longest Yard. Substituting Gridiron for Soccer, director Barry Skolnick, along with his roll call of British "faces", is only aiming for one market.

That of the footie worshipping clan that primarily resides within the United Kingdom.

Very much a long way from competing on the same playing field as Aldrich's superior movie, Mean Machine does have enough about it to make it an enjoyable viewing outside of the excellently constructed soccer match that fills out the last third of the piece. But with the film's reputation being far from good, the chance that many others feel the same as me are pretty remote. About as remote as Accrington Stanley winning the English Premiere League one feels.

The problem would seem to lay with the first hour, violence and humour thrust together does not always yield great rewards, and so it be with the wet behind the ears direction from Skolnick. Caught between a tough portrayal of British prison life and outright slapstick, it's an odd bedfellow that Skolnick can't quite get right. And with Guy Ritchie on the sidelines donning the "supervising producer" shirt, one can't help thinking that Ritchie would have made substantially more with the material to hand. But as "I" say, there's enough there for the discerning fan of blood and banter.

Led by the watchable Jones, the cast, outside of the miscast David Hemmings as the Governor, pull out the stops to entertain the terrace faithful. Danny Dyer haters will enjoy him getting knocked about as he plays simpleton Billy Limpet, while Jason Statham is a joy as Monk, a Jock that even the Jocks are afraid of. While also putting in scene stealing shifts of note are Jamie Sives, Vas Blackwood and Omid Djalili. It's no piece of work to rank in the higher echelons of British movies - or sports movies in general for that matter. But in spite of its soggy formula and over reliance on the template film it's working from, it's very funny at times, and if you like soccer? Well the actual match is well worth the wait. 7/10

Footnote: The Longest Yard/Mean Machine was met with another re- imaging in 2005 with Adam Sandler as the disgraced lead protagonist. Proof positive that it's either a formula that many can't resist? Or that it's one that some feel still hasn't yet met its potential?

Based on Keenan Wynn's 'The Longest Yard', Fletcher adds Brit wit to the screenplay as Skolnick directs a splendid film. Of course the story isn't anything new (like most sports flicks) but the humour brings out the charm. The characters are fun to watch and funnily enough the actors have famously starred in Guy Ritchie films. It's as if they were in prison for the crimes they committed in those films. But, just to avoid any misconception, this isn't a crime-flick and it's very different from the Ritchie films, both in style and content. One doesn't have to be a football fan to enjoy it as the entertainment value is universal. The football match sequence was hilarious and if only the real matches were half entertaining! All the actors do a fine job but it is Vinnie Jones who carries the movie and it's nice to see him as a guy who gets beaten up in comparison to the tough guy roles he's typecast in. Overall, this is a fun little film, not one to be taken too seriously.