Con Rail

This movie was terrible. I can't believe I sat through it all. I'm ranking it down there with Basket Case 3. So many screw ups that after awhile I started to wonder if they watched the movie after making the final cut to make sure no screw ups were left. Yes folks, it's that bad.

This movie is so bad, it's actually quite astonishing. There is not a single aspect that isn't dreadful. The script is shocking and low-grade porn actors deliver their dialogue more convincingly. The acting is stilted and staged across the board. The lame attempts at humour are easily missed, but you can spot them by noting when you cringe. The action scenes look so fake they're distracting, the sound production is terrible, and the special effects are even worse. I'm afraid I can't say much about the plot, since I'm not enough of a masochist to force myself to watch it with that much attention.

This would score high if it was a case study in how not to make a movie. It has all the elements that make a bad movie dreadful. How so many bad actors, directors, producers, cameramen, sound technicians and effects designers managed to converge on one place, we'll never know. It isn't even funny-bad. It's an ordeal. DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM. You have been warned.

What, it won't let me vote this zero? Awww...

This is possibly the most horrific film in history. (Maybe even worse than 'The Mummy Returns')

The special effects looked like they were compiled in Microsoft Paint. Horrendous. The acting was incredible. The thought that these people were actually being paid for this is incredible. The gun fights were about as sharp as Ade Akinbiyi's shooting, were they actually pretending to aim for people or aiming to miss?

Could they not afford extras? One moment there were three people sat in the back of a carraige and within minutes all the "terrorists" had forgotten they were there.

And what was with the mexican train driver? Surely this was a joke. Or do all mexican train drivers listen to that music whilst swigging tequila?

This was entertaining, almost as entertaining as guessing where the train would be in the next scene. Speeding across a bridge, rolling into a station, standing still in the middle of the woods?

Bryan Genesse's charms aren't dissimilar to his more mainstream meatheaded counterparts Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Seagal etc. He's got the necessary brawn and martial arts finesse and surprising watchability despite having very little appeal. What makes or breaks the vehicles he stars in are first and foremost the writer and director.

Unfortunately for Genesse, he doesn't have the collaboration of solid directors like Peter Hyams ("Timecop") or Ringo Lam ("Maximum Risk," "Replicant"). His best film that I've seen is "Human Timebomb," where the real points are earned with the balls-out action sequences that are undeniably fun even when they have the lowest of production values. That director, Mark Roper, shows skill at giving B-movie productions big, well-constructed sequences, but God help him if the script has too much dialogue.

Yossi Wein, who served as cinematographer for Genesse's "Cold Harvest" and "Traitor's Heart", tries to bring similar sensibilities to the 2002 Nu Image flick "Death Train". It starts off with a slam-bang train heist sequence that finds all in top form. From the first ten minutes, Wein shows skill at keeping the action coherent and at least marginally expensive-looking. Genesse doesn't need to bring much more than brawn in this one, and keeps the cringe-worthy wisecracks to a minimum –in comparison to his other performances anyway.

Unfortunately, there is not much more to be found after the competent opener besides loads of camp and unintentional humor. The villain Weaver, played by Bentley Mitchum, is anything but threatening, only memorable for some downright weird lines. There is way too much talking and not enough challenging complications to keep the film moving after the beginning. In fact, Genesse seems to be doing pointless acrobatic maneuvers along the train cars for most of the second act, which Wein unwisely uses to supplement action. When the action does come, it is usually pretty sloppy – like a shootout in the cafeteria car that plays more like an amateur action scene staged by third graders.

Things do come together somewhat in the end, with a decently-choreographed showdown between Genesse and Mitchum (if you ignore one extremely lazy somersault by Genesse). However, the resolution has some bizarre details that should not be given away, because they are probably the biggest laughs one will have in the whole movie.

Camp value seems to be the most redeeming factor about this B-movie, and in that department it consistently delivers. If it could have delivered some good action among the camp, it would have been in better form. But, as any B-movie buffs knows well, asking for both is asking for too much.

I don't mean to bum anyone out right at the beginning of a review, but this is a pretty sucky movie. Sucky on the point of being dreadful. Produced during that period in the early 2000s when the Nu Image studio couldn't make a good movie for neither love nor money, it's an annoying exercise in mundanity. Nearing the end of his career as an action hero, lead star Bryan Genesse does what little he can to make this one stand out but only manages to save it from a rock-bottom rating.

The story: When a gang of arrested thieves (led by Bentley Mitchum) takes over the train transporting them to prison and makes hostages of the passengers, it's up to their captor (Genesse) to end the crisis.

The film was probably made under very limited means, as evidenced by the frequent use of stock footage. The exterior shots of the train are taken from a movie shot in British Columbia, and seeing the filmmakers try to pass off this landscape as the Mexican countryside is kinda goofy. So is the casting: like many Nu Image flicks, this one's supporting roles are predominantly played by Bulgarian performers, and if you think it's been interesting listening to East Europeans fake English dialogue, just wait 'til you hear 'em speaking Spanish. Before long, it seems too much to take for even the producers, who end up dubbing most of the Spanish. Disappointingly, they did not dub Bentley Mitchum's lines. Mitchum is a fair character actor but his performance here is atrocious. The screenplay is clearly going the "crazy dangerous" route with its villain, but this comes across as irredeemably annoying, with Mitchum spewing adolescent threats and insults while largely failing at being intimidating.

Even though the movie makes a point of focusing on various hostages who don't actually affect the story too much, one guy who doesn't get much of a personality at all is the hero. When he first appeared, I thought Bryan Genesse was a side character because of his lack of charisma, and he never gains any throughout the runtime. Genesse was apparently on board with the movie, performing his own stunts while running across and hopping about the moving train, but he's just so generic here that the role could have been played by anybody. This homogeny carries over to the action content, which is comprised mainly of shootouts and a few explosions. Genesse only has two fight scenes, and while the brawl with Mitchum came as a surprise for being anything other than dismal, they're not worth talking about.

DEATH TRAIN doesn't bear thinking about too much: I get grumpy about having wasted my money and want to rate it even lower. I can't recommend it to anyone, and hope that it only finds its way into the hands of its particular niche audience – whoever that may include.