- George: [reading will] "To Barb, my dear friend and boss, I give my shearling coat, which kept me warmer than any man ever did."
- George: [reading will] "First, to Peter Yellowbear, my neighbor and fellow snow golfer, I leave my lucky putter. But don't expect it to improve your game."
- Thunder Jack: I can't believe you actually bit that dog on the ear.
- Ted: But that's what everyone says you're supposed to do.
- Thunder Jack: Well, sure, but... I never met a man dumb enough to do it!
- Tower Control: 8-6-7-2-4-1-Queen, move it! Or you're going to be the hood ornament on a 737!
- Thunder Jack: Well, well lookie here. Come to sell me them dogs.
- Ted: [all disappointed] You? Your James Johnson?
- Thunder Jack: I don't much like people calling me James.
- Ted: What...
- [Gasps]
- Ted: You're white.
- [chuckles]
- Thunder Jack: [takes glove off; sarcastically] Will you look at that!
- Ted: Do you know who I am?
- Thunder Jack: Yeah. You're the fella that's going to sell me those dogs.
- Ted: No. I'm your son.
- Thunder Jack: Well, so, how much you want for them?
- Ted: You knew? You knew the whole time, and you didn't say anything?
- Thunder Jack: I don't see any good coming from dredging up ancient history.
- Ted: Is that what I am? Ancient history?
- Thunder Jack: I tell you what I'm going to do. I can go up to $300 for the lot.
- Ted: The dogs? Don't you think of anything else?
- Thunder Jack: You got no business with them. I mean, they're special animals. They need to be taken care of.
- Ted: You're a real piece of work. You know I don't believe we're related. There must be some mistake because you are definitely not my father!
- Thunder Jack: [cracks neck] Well, tell you the truth, I don't give much a hoot one way or the other. All I'm saying is that you don't belong here. I'm sure you've got a nice, little condominium someplace with a remote control, color tv, and a nice electric blanket. So, why don't you pack up your big city butt and go back there.
- Ted: No. I'm not going anywhere.
- Thunder Jack: You are a stubborn fool.
- Ted: No, you're the stubborn fool!
- Thunder Jack: You must have something wrong with that head.
- Ted: No, you got something wrong with your head!
- Thunder Jack: No, you got something wrong with your head!
- Ted: No, you got something wrong in your head!
- Thunder Jack: [laughing] No, you got something wrong with your head.
- Ted: Oh, well, you know what they say. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree", Jack. Or should I call you Father? Or how about Papa? Or maybe even Daddy-O.
- [laughs; Jack punches him he spins around wimpers and falls on the ice]
- [Facing a wild bear]
- Ted: Y'know, I'm a big bear fan! Sure. Uh, my man - Smokey the Bear. Yogi. Walter Payton!
- Ted: Arthur?
- Arthur: You must be Ted. I've been waiting so long for this. Would you like to come in?
- Ted: Of course. Thank you.
- Arthur: I was so worried that you wouldn't have the time to see me before you left. I have felt this terrible pain for so long.
- Ted: Me, too.
- Arthur: So, should I sit on a chair or would you prefer me to lie down?
- Ted: Uh, chair's fine.
- Arthur: So, it's my left rear molar. Filling fell out a couple of years ago. And now it's purple. And there's this real rotten odor. Maybe it's infected.
- Ted: And you're telling me this because...?
- Arthur: Aren't you a dentist?
- Ted: Aren't you my father?
- Arthur: If I say yes, do I get a discount?
- Ted: [leaving all angry] Doesn't even look like me.