Gangland

Being a bit of a fan of Sasha Mitchell, I was overjoyed to pick this up for as little as £1. Shame it turned out to be £20 too much.

The plot of the movie is basically a really watered down version of Jean Claude Van Damme's Cyborg, about a post-nuke world where three heroes, Mitchell, Costas Mandylor(of Fist of the North Star fame) and a woman I've never heard of called Kathleen Kinmont actually fight Fender from Cyborg, now called Lucifer, but played by the same actor in a worse costume. Lucifer's little brother is the dorkiest attempt at a villain ever, and the movie is quite frankly a nightmare, with the only things redeeming it for me being the fact that Sasha still works, and that future Terminatrix Kristanna Loken has a small role(far too small).

The action is dull, the characters dumb, and the story rehashed from a hardly classic 80s Van Damme vehicle, the worst of it is, the movie has the cheek to not even do this in a funny way, it's just plain crap. Avoid this, and any other movies directed by Art Camacho.

This movie is hilariously awful. Everyone who had anything to do with it should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed! (Especially Ice-T, who doesn't just embarrass himself, but actually disgraces his entire bloodline.)

You got your bad acting. You got your ridiculous costumes. You got your gratuitous (and I mean really, really gratuitous) boobs. You got your completely incoherent script. You got your totally random mutant Frankenstein's monster type thing. In one scene, our heroes load up on firepower; in the next, they have to fight bad guys hand to hand; two minutes later, they're armed and dangerous again. The plot hangs together about as tightly as a group of divas forced to share a dressing room. And my god, the exposition!

You got your tragic heroes, of course. A guy whose wife and daughter were murdered by the bad guys and spends a lot of time brooding about it. Another guy whose brother is murdered before his eyes by the bad guys in one of the early scenes and spends about five minutes throwing a tantrum before apparently forgetting all about it in the heady rush of beating dudes up. And I especially like how these two stumble across the female lead just lying there under a tree. They roll her over, she wakes up, and what do you know, it turns out the bad guys killed her sister! Coincidence... or conspiracy?

And of course, there's also a scientist whose family is being held prisoner by the bad guys. Because I guess they ran out of fake blood or something.

You will laugh uncontrollably at -- well, pretty much everything, actually. "Lucifer," the big bad guy? Top-notch comedy. Seriously. You'll love his minion, too. This movie is so preposterous, even stupid ignorant people will find mistakes to laugh at. I won't ruin it for you, but just wait till you hear what Alexis says about the syringe of her sister's blood.

I will, however, ask if anybody -- anybody -- can explain to me why there was whalesong playing in the Death Valley scene. Anyone? Bueller?

I laughed so hard I got a headache. I think I would rather chew off my own arm than watch this movie again.

I give it two thumbs up the ass. Highly, highly recommended.

Wow, this was so bad, it was actually kinda funny. Horrible dialog, silly story, bad acting (or directing - I have seen several of the actors in this movie give much better performances), bad fight choreography, bad sound, bad sets & costuming. Plenty of gratuitous nudity, which is probably why the other reviewer liked it so well. So, if you're into that sort of thing, or are just feel like laughing at it, catch this one on cable.

I had a blast laughing at this movie. Every bit of dialogue makes you cringe, each action scene is progressively worse than the last, and the entire cast is awful. All of the women look and sound like the boring beginning of a long Cinemax porno movie, and all of the men, all of them, in every scene, seem like they are trying to hold themselves back from kissing and having sex with each other. Sasha Mitchell is the worst actor I've ever seen in my life. His acting repertoire consists of two personalities: goofy laid-back frat boy, and hammy over-dramatic angry Jean Claude Van Damme wannabe. In conclusion, everybody involved with the making of this movie (except for Ice-T, who I have absolutely no idea how he got involved with this thing in the first place) needs to die.

The heroes are good actors (I'm a big Kathleen Kinmont fan) but they're surrounded by bad guys who never went to acting school and a director who couldn't have cared and simply slept through the filming. The movie had potential, the director failed miserably.