- Stumpy: I was there. Yeah, it was called the '80s. Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House and FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bummin' in a hole-in-a-wall town in what is now called Utah. Some fella from Colorado shows up, starts making so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets are running with latte. It got so bad that a fella that liked to, you know... smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster, maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, was "uncouth, against God." More like bad real estate values. Stumpy had to go!
- Eric Montclare: Welcome to your first random drug test!
- Pigpen: I don't have to write a test to tell you I do drugs...
- Stumpy: Did I ever tell you about the time I invented snowboarding? Ya I don't want credit for it but they keep on giving it to me...
- Luke: This uniform is really cramping my Olsen Twins. Lance, Can I get a drink for Mary Kate and Ashley?
- Pig Pen: [nervously] Hello Inga. I've never been a man of words, but there's something I have to say to you. Inga, I've loved you from the first time that I saw you, and I love you more than any man's ever loved a woman that he's never actually spoken to. I'm only gonna offer this once. Inga, will you... have sex with me?
- [long pause]
- Inga: Nothing would piss off my stepfather more. Let's do this!
- Stumpy: Oh you foolish foolish boys. This is how it all starts. I've seen it all before. I was there. I was there. Yeah! It was called the 80's! Ford was President, Nixon was in the White House, FDR was running this country into the ground. I was bumming in a hole in the wall town in what is now called "Utah". Some fellow from Colorado shows up- starts making all kinds of so called "improvements", right? Before we knew what hit us, the streets were running us with lattes!
- Rick: No?
- Stumpy: Yup!... It got so bad that a fellow that liked to, you know, smoke a little grass or drink a little ripple. Crow like a rooster! Maybe challenge the mayor's son to a gentlemen's duel, is uncouth, "Against God!" and bad for real estate values. STUMPY HAD TO GOOOO! Richard, be careful what you wish for.
- Rick: You got it Stump
- Stumpy: Be careful what you wish for!
- Rick: I will
- Stumpy: Alright?
- [slams knife down onto table but into his own hand]
- Rick: GOD!
- Stumpy: [voice straining] I'm good
- Pigpen: [nonchalantly] You better put something on that
- Stumpy: [Walks away straining]
- Luke: Well, yeah it dosen't really allow my dice to roll and by dice I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer.
- Rick: Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I'll come to you ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell romantic or advice... or bong.
- Pigpen: Here's what I don't get, alright, is you met this chick and you got freaky-deaky with her and then poof. She disappears. How's there a problem with that?
- Luke: You know I hate what they're doing to the mountain, but this is the best vanilla latte I have ever had. You can actually taste the vanilla beans... I don't like the coffee.
- Eric Montclare: Luke, why don't you shut up before my fist makes an appointment with your ass?
- Luke: Eric, do you notice you're always talking about sticking something in my ass, and that time it wasn't even a threat,
- [grinning]
- Luke: technically, that was *flirting*...
- Doorman: Get outta here!
- Pig Pen: I'm gonna take Kung-Fu and kick you're friggen ass! We'll have the party at our place... We don't need their fancy-smancy gent and their blue ropes!
- [Pig Pen and Anthony run back to the door and grab the blue ropes]
- Pigpen: [holding Luke's head] Im gonna need a bucket, a paint brush, and ten pounds of salt. Lance, get his pants.
- Lance: There are gonna be some hotties, some slammin' bods with pants so tight it looks like they're painted on. Man, I love chicks. And chicks love me, so it's all good.
- Stumpy: It's called the '80s. Ford was president, Nixon was in the White House, and FDR was running this country into the ground.
- Stumpy: You know, the Eskimo have nine words for a hell mooch stuck in a hot tube... Hell, they only have 8 words for snow!
- John Majors: [re the new uniforms] You don't have to pay for 'em. We'll just deduct the cost out of your first paycheck.
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