Karate Warrior 6

This is the perfect movie for people who do not want to see both karate and warriors. Or six of them. As stated in the title, a fat man with a mullet pedals his bike into the side of some foreign national's limousine. He pretends to be injured and a man covered in mysterious robes with a highly foreign accent gives him $20,000 to not report the accident. The accident in which he didn't get injured. He brings the money back to his friends, who naturally laugh at him and begin tearing the money up for reasons I cannot comprehend. Then he says the money is for them to go to Europe and hands out travel flyers which somehow manifested into his possession.

As you can expect, when they get to Europe they see a mermaid in a lake, and bring all their money and clothes to bathe naked and take photos of the mermaid so they can sell them to the news channels. Unfortunately the mermaid is actually a man in a wig, and an Italian man runs off with all their possessions. Because they are really stupid.

As you would expect, the fat mullet man pretends to be a tour guide and show Americans around Greece. It doesn't work, so they decide to get money from winning a dirt bike race. All these events and scenes make sense to somebody, I guess. They find a broken dirt bike in a girl's garage and somehow repair it with parts that just appear, and they completely fix the bike by using flipping page wipes repeatedly.

Fortunately one of them is a professional dirt bike racer, and he wins the race. Then a very motionless Italian man threatens them and takes their money, which he says they will receive it they can beat him in combat. We're at the 48n minute mark and there has been no karate. This is how great this movie is.

A lengthy and confusing training montage begins, as one of them somehow found an Asian man in Greece who is a master of the martial arts and has nothing better to do than train a random obnoxious American who has appeared. He does all the typical training stuff and learns a special move, and it turns out that, surprise, he must use the special move to defeat his Italian nemesis. He wins, they use the money to go back home, to America.

The movie ends with the fat mullet head kid seeing the foreign limousine, literally running into it, and then getting beaten by its driver. His friends laugh as he is comically beaten to death. The end.

I cannot name a single character in this movie. I do not know who the protagonist was supposed to be. I do not know why the director hired a stunt coordinator who was either drunk or a zombie. The fighting scenes are absolutely horrendous, and punches land miles away from their target who flies backwards anyways. I do not believe this movie had a script. If it did, I would yell at the 12 year old who wrote it.

Finally, for the last Karate Warrior film, director Fabrizio De Angelis decides to change things up a bit by having the action take place on a Greek island. And what action takes place on that island? The same crap that's happened in the last four or five Karate Warrior films; a motorcycle contest, some half-arsed mentoring, and a very low budget face-off with a jerk.

There's no sign of arch-nemesis Joe Carson this time around, so maybe he moved away or killed himself or something. The rest of the gang are still here though: Larry the Karate Warrior, fat fried chicken guy Leo, guy that looks like Larry but is slightly taller and some other guy. Plus Larry's rich girlfriend, but she's not in it much.

As usual, most of the actual story revolves around Leo, who this time finds himself ten grand up when he fakes being knocked over by an African dignitary's limo. Leo decides it's time they got a bit of a holiday and decide on Greece, where everyone know karate and everyone is as big of a jerk as Joe Carson was. This allows director De Angelis plenty of time to suck the fun out of everything by making us sit through Leo and his gang going on a shopping spree, flying to Greece, discuss getting a taxi, then getting taxi, then doing a bit of sightseeing before discussing a buffet breakfast.

The only halfway interesting part of this film is the strange scam Leo falls far when he pay five hundred dollars to take pictures of what he's told is a mermaid, only for the mermaid to turn out to be a guy and Leo turning out to be a moron when he has all his money and plane tickets home stolen! If only there was some sort of contest with a cash prize that Larry can win in order for them to get home. Larry needs a bike, and luckily he's just beaten up two goons that work for a jerk whose ex-girlfriend has a bike. The jerk is called Mustafa, and strangely the highly-camp acting skills of this fellow somehow didn't lead to a career in Hollywood, but it sure provided me with a lot of laughs. Which is just as well as the bit where they all repair the bike goes on forever. The ex-girlfriend, Eleni, starts making goo-goo eyes at Karate Warrior, but he stays loyal, even though Eleni is definitely an upgrade.

All this staggers lamely towards the showdown, although Karate Warrior's got to bring in his mentor, his girlfriend, and father David Warbreck in order to bet it together long enough to beat up Mustafa (who hilariously says "Prepare to be killed" in the lamest, least threatening voice ever). I'll tell you another thing; Mustafa kicks the crap out of Karate Warrior and decks him several times so that Karate Warrior can lay there staring at his father, but when Karate Warrior decks Mustafa once, he's counted out and Karate Warrior wins. I don't think that referee was being impartial and reckon that someone slipped him a few drachma before the match started.

And thus concludes my pointless trail through the most worthless film series in cinematic history. As a precaution against any other Karate Warrior films being made, the Italian government executed most of the cast and crew.