Ten Zan - The Ultimate Mission

OK little italo action time-waster, the film's history is probably more interesting than the film itself since it was shot in north Korea with the blessing of Kim Il-sung! It's about an evil drug dealer/nazi who uses "deer-serum" (!) to create a race of übermensch and of course a good guy blowing lots of stuff up. In the tradition of Andrea Bianchi's similar Megele: Angel of Death we get to see very little of these nazi experiments, but more of screaming men with machine guns and huts blowing up. We also get to see two of Italys worst actors, Mark Greogry and Sabrina Siani, together at last (though Sabrina is so fine you don't care if she can't act and Mark Gregory is at least cool as Trash and Thunder in better Italian 80s action flicks... but completely free of charm here). If only Conrad Nichols would have shown up the circle of Italian loser actors would have been complete.

Despite the novelty of it being filmed in North Korea, and a luridly fantastical premise, this is a strictly routine Italian 80s action movie in the wannabe-"Rambo" mode. There's a lot of extras being machine gunned and things exploding, but the action is quite dull. It's strange, too, that given the "Rambo"-esque air, and the casting of handsome lead male actors who often appeared in these sorts of movies (and/or martial arts-based ones or "Conan" ripoffs), that the over-the-top muscle machismo factor is zilch. There's almost no mano-a-mano fighting, and nobody takes their shirt off (except briefly the male villain in a non-action scene) or even exposes some bicep in a tank top. What kinda "Rambo" ripoff IS this?!? Perhaps shooting in North Korea meant that showing too much skin (of either sex) was forbidden.

Another disappointment is that the mildly sci-fi conceit (the heroes are tasked with stopping a diabolical ttempt to create a "master race" by experimenting on kidnapped young women) is only talked about, never depicted, so hopes of any "Boys from Brazil" and/or women-in-prison type cheese go entirely unfulfilled. The female villainness is at least visually memorable: She wears so much makeup she'd seem like a drag queen even without her long blonde hair making her look weirdly like Fabio's twin sister.

Alas, even she isn't as much fun as she should be. This is the kind of movie that should be a guilty pleasure, but it's so completely forgettable and void of any eccentric, campy or humorous (intentional or otherwise) qualities that it's just kind of a slog.

In TEN ZAN - ULTIMATE MISSION, young women are being abducted and taken to a secret facility, where they're injected with "hornless deer serum" -betcha didn't see that coming!- by a group of Nazis. Said Nazis are led by the cruel Jason (Mark Gregory) who likes putting his feet up on things. These nasty Nazis -try saying that ten times!- are out to build their master race once more!

A special team is assigned to infiltrate the group and put an end to this foolishness.

Enter Frank (Frank Zagarino) and his cohorts, who engage with their targets, resulting in the usual gunfire, explosions, and karate fights. Astoundingly, win spite of all the action going on, this movie still manages to be tedious, and about as enjoyable as a flypaper sandwich.

It's too preposterous to be taken seriously, but not preposterous enough to be a schlock classic. It does, however, receive extra credit for the whole hornless deer serum thing...