- [Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."]
- Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
- Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
- Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
- Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
- Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
- Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
- Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
- Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
- Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
- Chester: "Dude!" But what does mine say?
- Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
- Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
- Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
- [later]
- Chester: [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say?
- Jesse: [screaming] "Sweet!"
- Jesse: Hey, have you seen my car?
- Christie Boner: Well, I saw it last night. I mean, I saw the backseat...
- Jesse: [oblivious] No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
- Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
- Jesse: And then...
- [laughs nervously]
- Jesse: I'm gonna come in there...
- [grows livid]
- Jesse: and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!'!
- [pause; Jesse almost gives in]
- Chinese Food Intercom: [repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!
- [Jesse furiously smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
- Chinese Food Intercom: [severely damaged] And then...?
- Alien Nordic Dude #1: We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.
- [as Super Hot Giant Alien passes overhead, a Father and Son see up her skirt]
- Birthday Son: I want to go on that ride, Daddy.
- Birthday Father: Me, too, Son. Me, too.
- Mr. Pizzacoli: [on delivering pizzas] A trained dolphin could do a better job than you two!
- Jesse: Yeah, but then the pizzas would get all wet.
- Zoltan: You gotta activate the...
- Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!
- Jesse: What?
- Mr. Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!
- Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude!
- [a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"]
- Chester: I think that's it, dude.
- Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
- Mark: I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days, but who's countin'?
- [laughs hysterically]
- Alien Nordic Dude: But the universe?
- Jesse: [mocking the Nordic dude's accent] "Screw the Universe!"
- Alien Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe?
- Mr. Pizzacoli: [knocks on the door] Open up, you 2 slackers!
- Jesse and Chester: [quietly] Mr. Pizzacoli!
- Mr. Pizzacoli: You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!
- Jesse and Chester: [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house] Uh-oh.
- Mr. Pizzacoli: OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!
- Chester: It's open!
- Jesse: OHHH!
- [he hits Chester]
- Chester: The full grown male african ostrich or the latin "struthio camelus" can go to an average size of sixty six inches... and weight anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds that can get up to... well an average speed of... 27 miles per hour.
- [Pierre has a deep French ascent]
- Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an onihgable man.
- Mark: Excuse me, what was that?
- Pierre: Onihgable!
- Mark: What?... Oner gable?
- Pierre: Onihgable!
- Mark: Omini-hrm?
- Pierre: Onihgable!
- Mark: I still don't...
- Pierre: [Irritated] Onihgable!
- Mark: [Pronouncing it perfectly] I think the word you're looking for is "honorable".
- Pierre: SHUT UP!
- [Repeated line]
- Chester and Jesse: Shibby!
- Chester: [to Jesse] It's Mrs. Crabbleman! Maybe she'll give us a ride. Mrs. Crabbleman! Mrs. Crabbleman!
- [runs into the middle of the street]
- Chester: Mrs. Crabblman!
- Mrs. Crabbleman: [see's Chester]
- Chester: Mrs. Crabbleman!
- Mrs. Crabbleman: [purposefully swerves to hit Chester with her car] Fuckin' stoners.
- Jumpsuit Chick #1: First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.
- Jesse: I've heard that one before...
- Chester: Look, a unicorn!
- [Mr. Pizzacoli looks]
- Mr. Pizzacoli: A unicorn?
- Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.
- Alien Nordic Dude #1: Could you please tell us where we may find the Continuum Transfuctioner?
- Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
- Alien Nordic Dude #1: And then we may go and get it?
- Chinese Foooood Lady: And then?
- [pause]
- Alien Nordic Dude #2: Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?
- Mr. Pizzacoli: I know you've been embezzelin' my pizzas, and I will catch you eventually. And when I do, I swear ta God, you will neva deliver pizzas in this town again!
- Officer Rick: Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?
- Jesse: Uhh, we want it back
- Officer Rick: Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.
- Jesse & Chester: Rick!
- Pierre: Alright, here it is: I am going to ask you a question. If you get it right, I will set you free. If you get it wrong, then, you will be spending a lot of time with the ever popular Mark.
- Mark: I can be very nice.
- [Mark begins to rub his nipples, while Jesse and Chester looks at him with disgust]
- Pierre: Alright, here it is: What is the average running speed of a full-grown male African Ostrich?
- Mark: [whispers] Pass. Pass to me, I know it.
- Jesse: Pass to Mark.
- Pierre: [screaming] You cannot pass! Shut up! What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?
- Mark: Don't hose me! Maybe later.
- Jesse: Dude, we're dead.
- Chester: [whispers] Not so fast.
- Chester: The full-grown male African Ostrich, or the latin "Struthio Camelus," can grow to an average size of six feet-six inches, and weigh anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds, that can get up to, oh, an average speed of 27 miles per hour.
- Pierre: [showing excitement] This is absolutely correct!
- Chester: Animal Planet.
- Mark: Wow! I said Brown.
- Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
- Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.
- Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
- Chester: Is that what that is?
- Jesse: Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
- Chester: Yeah!
- Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
- Chester: We can?
- Jesse: Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.
- Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
- Jesse: Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...
- Chester: ...which has the gifts in it...
- Jesse: ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!
- Chester: Yeah! Let's do it!
- Jesse: Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.
- Chester: Told you.
- Jesse: I know.
- Chester: I know your body.
- Jesse: Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.
- [Chester slaps him]
- Jesse: Thanks, dude.