Bloody Murder

People people, yes, this movie may lack...everything that makes a movie good...but it is all in harmony...This amazing piece of cinematic history is ivy-league material. You have your "Gone With the Wind," "American Beauty," and right up there blowing them all out of the water is Bloody Murder! Come on, what character could bring it all together more than Trevor Moorehouse! This man is a cult-hero and pop-craze phenom! Sure, Jason has a hockey mask, and sure, Leatherface is more of an experienced chainsaw-user, but no one could combine those two more, why? Because he's Trevor Moorehouse, the most evil man in America!

If someone asked you to name Friday the 13th's visual trademark, what would be your answer? My guess is that nine out of ten people would choose the hockey mask that adorns every cover from part three up until the most recent entry as the series' most memorable attribute. Freddy has his deadly glove and Jason has his mask, no doubt about it. Trust Ralph Portillo, - the director responsible for the incredibly awful Fever Lake and a few other equally bad direct to video schlocksters - to go as far as to shamelessly steal Mr. Voorhees' signature facet for this horrid third rate dupe of the franchise. In the UK, this was released as 'scream' bloody murder and it doesn't take a genius to work out what was behind the choice for that title does it. I wondered exactly how much barefaced flagging I would find craftily concealed within the runtime and was looking forward to playing 'spot the influence' if things got a little too tedious.

It opens with a couple's car breaking down on a secluded road through some woodland. After arguing with his girlfriend, the guy decides to leave the safety of the vehicle and head out on foot to try and hitch a ride and get some petrol. On his journey he bumps into a masked psycho with a chainsaw that very quickly offs the unfortunate fellow just out of view of the camera. Next up we meet a group of poorly dramatised counsellors that are on their way to Camp Placid Pines, so that they can prepare for the visiting children that will be arriving in the next couple of days. Placid pines is situated in an area that pays host to an often-touted legend concerning Trevor Moorehouse and his murderous antics towards campers. Soon enough an unseen killer begins slicing his way through the counsellors and carefully stashing the corpses so no one is any the wiser to his anti-social escapades. Is it Trevor back to add strength to his legend or perhaps one of the workers has something to get off their chest in an exceptionally violent manner? Put it this way we've been there before. Many a time.

Firstly I must make an apology for my economical write-up of this routine entry into the 'killer in the woods' plotline. There's very little to put into words about Bloody Murder, because basically if you've even seen one of the many other stabs at a 'campsite massacre' flick, you'll know exactly what to expect from this mediocre muddle. Yep, we're not trying to add anything new to the formula here; instead they just rehash the age-old platitudes without bothering to add anything remotely plausible or authentic. The cast at least manage one bit of exceptional acting, when about half way through they all sit round a large screen pretending to look engrossed as they watch Portillo's previous slasher throwaway, Fever Lake. Anyone who manages to fake interest by that supreme waste of shelf-space should certainly feel that they have given an award-worthy performance! But seriously, these guys are as moronic as you can imagine, especially Julie (Jessica Morris) who's flat and obnoxious character really started to grate as time rolled on. I kept hoping that she would be next to meet the blade of the psycho, but no such luck, we were stuck with her unconvincing warbling right up until the end.

Just like Scream and the flocks of imitators that have been released most recently, we're meant to be intrigued into guessing who it is that's actually killing everybody. Red herrings and dodgy suspects abound, but the brainless conclusion is barely worth a mention and you'll probably guess who's behind the hockey mask halfway through anyway. Perhaps the most horrible thing about Bloody Murder, even worse than the shameful scripting and sub-standard direction, is that it's incredibly yawn-some. Even watching it to take notes for this review was a painful experience that I won't hurry to repeat. There's no gore, suspense or momentum and the performances make Arnold Schwarzenegger look like Lee Strasberg! The only redeeming feature was the attractive scenery that was truly a beautiful backdrop and deserved tribute from something much better than this offending offal.

Perhaps the most interesting thing about Bloody Murder is that it was successful enough to spawn a sequel that was a damn site better than this. Quite why anyone thought it was necessary to follow up something this terrible is indeed questionable. What's the point in watching a fifth rate Friday the 13th, when you can go and get the original for exactly the same price? If you want a good description of torture, imagine being locked in a room having to watch this over and over without any chance of escape! A fate worse than death! Sadly this doesn't even manage to be unintentionally amusing, it's just despicable. Do your best to avoid this one.

Before people keep using throw-away comments like "THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN" on film reviews, they should try sitting through garbage like this. I've seen some utter incomprehensible, no-redeeming-quality trash in my time (sigh), and Bloody Murder adds to the pile. It isn't the worst movie i've ever seen (but then, like I said...), hoewever, this is bad. Very bad. Bad acting, direction, editing, continuity, FX, script, music, imagination, everything-in-the-world. Aaaargh! Watching this film was like being flayed ...and then having needles scraped across my bones. Watching this film was like being paid a visit by the dentist from the marathon man ...and then being thrown a well-done steak to chew on. Watching this film was like being born without skin ...and having to bathe painfully every morning in lemon juice. You get my point?

Well you can tell by the cover of this movie that it's a Friday the 13th rip off, and ignore the chainsaw, there's only one killing with a chainsaw. It didn't have much blood and gore, and what blood was shown looked like red spray paint. Less than half of the characters were killed. This movie strongly resembles the form of the early 80's slasher, "He Knows You're Alone". It had the potential to be really good and it wasn't. If you're a hard core horror fan looking for a modern camp slasher, rent it, you may like it, but you'll probably be disapointed. 6 out of 10.

Take a look at the cover, can you guess what overrated horror franchise this movie wants to imitate? What is so scary with a hockey mask anyway? It has no features to produce eerie shadows, smooth plastic has no texture, it's round, and regardless of what the lighting it's 1 step away from a big white smiley face. It is far from intimidating. The only thing intimidating about Jason is the make up under the mask (which isn't that intimidating anymore since it's been revealed in so many films) and Kane Hodder himself, who is one big bad monster of a stuntman you wouldn't want to screw with. With that said, why rip that off? Sorry, Bloody Murder doesn't employ Kane Hodder so this killer--what's his name--is not intimidating.

I find it hilarious this film tries to mimic Friday the 13th so much; Friday the 13th didn't even try to be a good movie. Heck, Friday the 13th was fund raiser for Sean Cunningham that happened to get lucky. So it's no surprise that Bloody Murder succeeds very well in following in another franchise's footsteps, despite what F13 fanatics will argue. F13 and Bloody Murder share many things in common: they have bad acting, bad scripting, bad scoring, bad directing, bad sound effects, tiny budget, you get the idea. Friday the 13th's only high points over Bloody Murder is Tom Savini, the gore-master, and the fact that Friday the 13th had much fewer films to compete with and 'rip off' in the early 80s.

Bloody Murder does have a twist (still ripping off F13, but it is a twist) .. . the 'mystery' element thrown in for good measures; my personal favorite scene was the classic 'it could have happened this way . . .' narration over a possible re-enactment of what could have happened. Friday the 13th meets Clue? Yeah, that's a scary thought.

I'll give the filmmakers the benefit of the doubt and assume they knew all along how corny this was. With that stated, even though the result was intentional, it still does not work. Small budget--no excuse. It does not work as corny horror, horror/comedy, or any combination. Sorry, nada, not here. Only thing here are clichés that have been tapped into so much that they're annoying now, even if the filmmakers are trying to make fun of them.

Ultimately, a very forgettable horror film. Much like how Friday the 13th should have gone, but didn't.