- Lance Barton: I had a hard enough time trying to get this girl as a rich white man. Do you know how hard it's gonna be to try to get her as a broke black man?
- Sontee Jenkins: [after Lance sang an offensive song as Charles Wellington] Have you lost your mind?
- Lance Barton: I forgot who I was.
- Sontee Jenkins: You forgot who you were?
- Lance Barton: I like the song: DMX, "Rough Riders".
- Sontee Jenkins: What about us singing, "Whiteys wanna die, whiteys can't try"?
- Lance Barton: Might get a record deal.
- Lance Barton: I got hit by a truck, I got smashed by a car, I got shot. And now you want to take my soul? What are you, the Blair Witch?
- [reincarnated for the second time as 'Joe Guy', Lance tries to hail a taxi, but they keep driving past him]
- Lance Barton: I'm a black again! I'm a black man!
- [after learning that he wasn't supposed to die]
- Lance Barton: You killed me! You killed me! You killed me!
- Lance Barton: My father's so cheap... that when we went to bed, he'd unplug the alarm clocks. "You can't tell time when you are asleep".
- Lance Barton: We're goin' in there. If you can walk, let's walk. If you can't walk, it's time to roll. If you have crutches, then crutch your ass in there!
- Lance Barton: What is this place?
- Keyes: This is heaven.
- Lance Barton: Oh, right, I've had this dream before. Is Pac in there?
- Lance Barton: You see this foot? It's from a little town called "Rich Man's Ass" and it's getting' homesick!
- [after almost getting in a car accident]
- Lance Barton: Sontee, you okay?
- Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm okay, Cisco, you okay?
- Cisco: Yeah, I'm okay, Wanda, you okay?
- Wanda: Hell no! I spilled my drink!
- Lance Barton: [As Charles Wellington, after offering Wanda a raise]
- Lance Barton: Are you happy?
- Wanda: I'm estatic.
- Lance Barton: [as Joe Guy, referring to Wanda's paint-stained coat] You know, your coat's bleeding.
- Wanda: Mind yo' business!
- Lance Barton: From now on, we need to make a new slogan. If you get shot in the head, you get a bed. If your head is bloody, we're your buddy.
- Lance Barton: Look, I don't have a problem with Sontee. I wanna ask her on a date.
- Mrs. Wellington: Oh, Charles!
- Lance Barton: Don't "Oh, Charles" me! You were gonna have sex on the pool table! You got an 8 ball in your ass!
- [Lance and King looking at Charles Wellington's body]
- Lance Barton: How am I supposed to get laughs lookin' like him?
- King: Aw, c'mon, he looks funny to me.
- Lance Barton: I already get booed, do I really have to be beat down on it?
- Lance Barton: If you're good looking, you're gonna succeed through life. If you're ugly, you better pick up a book. Boy, you better pick up two books, and a computer while you're at it!
- Lance Barton: Hey I still look like me.
- King: You are you.
- Lance Barton: I thought I was Wellington.
- King: You are Wellington.
- Lance Barton: Well thanks for clearing that up.
- Lance Barton: You know, the first kiss is always in the middle of a sentence. It's always like, "Tomorrow I'm going to the zoo to see the monkeys and..."
- [kiss]
- Sontee Jenkins: Or it could be like..."Did you hear about that new war in Russia? I heard..."
- [kiss]
- Lance Barton: So I can call you, right? I mean, just to talk.
- Lance Barton: Last call at the Apollo, we better get outta here before they lock us in. Give me your hand. C'mon, I know my way around here. Don't be scared. Everything's all right.
- Sontee Jenkins: What did you just say?
- Lance Barton: Everything's all right. Like the song.
- [sings]
- Lance Barton: Everything is all right.
- Sontee Jenkins: It's just that when you said that, it- you're a comedian?
- Lance Barton: Do I sing that bad?
- Sontee Jenkins: No! You were on tonight, how'd you do?
- Lance Barton: They didn't boo. You know, they got this afterparty.
- Sontee Jenkins: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hold you up.
- Lance Barton: No, no, no, no, no. I was, I don't really feel like going to the afterparty. You want to get something to eat?
- Sontee Jenkins: Are you asking me out?
- Lance Barton: No, I just want to feed you
- [repeated line]
- Lance Barton: .
- Sontee Jenkins: Yeah, I'm starved.
- Lance Barton: Nice shoes!
- Sontee Jenkins: Thank you.