- Russ: You know, you better start taking notes, because when me and Gig start hashing it out there's going to be a lot of gold flying around and I don't want to miss any of it.
- Crystal: [after Russ's lame bomb scare idea] Right, then the firemen will come and the policemen will come, so kind of a lame idea, you know.
- Russ: Alright, jeez, it's just an idea, it's a work in progress for God's sake. Even a painter's got to take the brushes and clean them.
- Crystal: Whatever that means.
- Russ: Okay! Do you have any better ideas, Ms. Smarty-Pants?
- Crystal: Why can't I just distract Bobby somehow, the security guy? And you switch the balls.
- Russ: No, no, lame. That's lame.
- Gig: No, that's brilliant. No really, it's so simple, it's brilliant. In its simplicity Russ.
- Russ: [after discussing finding a beard] Oh, og God, okay, I got it. I buy the ticket in disguise! Okay? And this eliminates all the outsiders. That's it, okay. Yeah, yeah, now we're cooking with gas!
- Crystal: I mean, how would you disguise yourself?
- Gig: What, as Charlie Chaplin? As The Tramp or something?
- Crystal: Yeah, or no, like, from the Wizard of Oz. That guy. The Straw Guy.
- Gig: The Straw Man.
- Crystal: Yeah, the Straw Man, he could put some hay in his clothes and wear a hat.
- [Sarcastically]
- Crystal: No one would know it's him! Ooh, it's clever.
- Gig: Nobody would ever know! No! Russ.
- Russ: It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you're going to make fun of me, get your facts straight.
- Crystal: Well, my apologies sir. I am not the cartoon aficionada _sic_ that you are.
- Russ: It's not a cartoon Crystal, it's a movie.
- Crystal: Who gives a shit!
- Russ: [after finding out there are cops in Gig's club] I've always wanted to give an inmate fame. You know, they kill the celebrities first, then they fuck 'em in the butt!
- Russ: What about the puffer?
- Crystal: Yeah, well at first I couldn't find it, and when we found it... it was all out of you know... shit... the... um
- Russ: Mist?
- Crystal: Yeah that's it. Do you know what his last words were?
- Russ: Come on, don't do this.
- Crystal: Krystal, my sweet angel. Go into my wallet and get the ticket because you and Russ deserve to have that money.
- Russ: Oh, come on... don't do this to me...
- Crystal: Fuck me, no fried clams?
- Crystal: All right... key lime pie!
- Russ: What about this little missy? There's enough mist in this little puppy to save 10 masturbators!
- Dale: Give me the money Russ.
- Russ: Great, Gig. We gotta talk about this.
- Dale: I'll fuckin' ball-bat you, you creep cocksucker!
- Russ: Okay, okay. Okay.
- Dale: [leaving, picks up bottle in curiosity] Mint Listerine?
- Russ: Yeah.
- Dale: When did they come out with this?
- Russ: I don't know.
- Dale: Is it good?
- Russ: Yeah, it's good.
- Russ: [asking who put his boss in the hospital] Was it Dale the Thug?
- Det. Pat Lakewood: I don't know, some jerk in a plaid shirt. But don't worry
- [imitates gunfire with his fingers]
- Det. Pat Lakewood: I killed him.
- Dick Simmons: Don't say anything. Not a word. Because if I hear one bullshit comment like, "What's that?" or "What are you talking about?" I'm gonna pick that phone up and call the cops.
- Russ: What? Wh-what do you mean?
- [Dick goes for the phone]
- Russ: It slipped out! Dick, we're listening. Go ahead.
- Gig: [on the phone with Dale's machine] Things have gotten a bit sticky over here. Slight change of plans, but nothing your death touch can't soon rectify.
- Russ: [fleeing while riding a snowmobile] All right kids, now it's time to play the snowmobile game with your host Russ Richards!
- Russ: [threateningly] Where is the ticket?
- Dick Simmons: I... I gave it to Larry King.
- [Russ shakes him angrily and a book by Larry King is revealed with the ticket stuffed inbetween]