- Annabelle: I've survived 19 years in New York City. Murders, rapists, muggers, you name it! Now I'm gonna be eaten by a fucking monster?
- Duncan McKay: Annabelle, why don't you take the phone profinity and shove it up your ass!
- Brady Turner: We'll use those sweatshirts as blindfolds! The Australian Guy from Animal Planet does it all the time, it works!
- Kit: We were just attacked by some HUGE creature and you're worried about BLISTERS and dirt in your eyes?
- Sheriff Bowman: [at night on boat] I've had some bad spring breaks. '92 was a doozie, but Jesus Christ!
- Shurkin: Shh. You feel it? She's out there, waiting. What she don't know is that by the time this evening's over, I'm gonna have a new trophy over my fireplace.
- Sheriff Bowman: God, I hope so.
- [sees the hotel]
- Sheriff Bowman: I hate that place. Every time I see that, it makes my skin crawl.
- Shurkin: Yeah, it's evil all right. Any place that'd house that demon croc is evil.
- Sheriff Bowman: Amen.
- Shurkin: I seen her, you know.
- Sheriff Bowman: Really?
- Shurkin: On one of the many huntin' trips I took with my daddy, lookin' for her. Most of 'em come to nothin'. But this day, she rose up out of the swamp, all scarred and covered with barnacles.
- Sheriff Bowman: Then what happened?
- Shurkin: Oh, she rose up with a mighty roar. She fixed her yellow eyes on my daddy, and he fired his shotgun right into her side. She never took her eyes off him. She had him fixed in a death stare. And bullets didn't mean nothin' to her. When she decided to go, the water around her exploded. She's gone.
- Sheriff Bowman: What a story you got there, Shurkin.
- Shurkin: Two days later, my daddy went out to check his traps. He never come back. Now, people in town says it's 'cause he run off with some two-bit whore. I know different.
- Duncan McKay: Brady, man, in case we don't make it out, let's be perfectly frank. I'm not too optimistic. I got to tell you something, man.
- Claire: Duncan, quiet.
- Duncan McKay: I got to get this off my chest.
- Brady Turner: Not now!
- Duncan McKay: It's about that whole cheating thing. I knew we'd get caught.
- Brady Turner: What?
- Duncan McKay: Everyone's goin' to all those fancy colleges and shit. Face it, I'm stuck with a life sentence in J.C. without parole, man. I just didn't want to be left alone.
- Brady Turner: You got me kicked out of school on purpose?
- Duncan McKay: Pretty selfish I know. I'm sorry.
- Claire: I hate to say it, Brady, but I told you so.
- Duncan McKay: Come on. I knew Glickman'd see me pass that note. He saw it that time.
- Brady Turner: Duncan, if we ever make it out of here, I'm gonna to kill you.
- Duncan McKay: Fair enough.
- Stanley the Fisherman: Oh hey. Sorry to drag you guys down here like this. I didn't know what else to do.
- Sheriff Bowman: Yeah.
- Stanley the Fisherman: I got what I could with the net. I'm sure there's still some out there. I..frankly don't have the stomach to look.
- [opens the cooler to reveal the severed head and arm of Hubs]
- Sheriff Bowman: Oh Christ!
- Shurkin: Ha ha ha ha ha. That's a crocodile, all right. Do you mind, Sheriff?
- Sheriff Bowman: Go ahead.
- Shurkin: [picks up the severed head] Takes a lot to sever a spine. You see, a crocodile's teeth intertwine. They snap shut with 40 tons of pressure. I can't tell you how bad this is, Sheriff.
- Sheriff Bowman: Ho, ho. You don't have too.
- Shurkin: You got no idea. You see, a crocodile usually finishes her meal. She ain't doing this 'cause she's hungry. She's on a rampage. Whoever messed with them eggs made her good and mad.
- Sheriff Bowman: I guess we better go back to the station and get the guns.
- Shurkin: Biggest ones you got.
- Kit: [about to tell his story] All right, first, let me just start by saying I didn't make any of this up, all right? It's completely true. And... It all happened right here-- right up at that old hotel, right up there.
- Brady Turner: That's a surprise.
- Kit: See, the guy who built it was this guy by the name of Harlan Clemens.
- Brady Turner: Oh.
- Claire: Harlan Clemens? Wait a minute. Isn't that Mark Twain's real name or something?
- Kit: No, no. See, the imported this massive crocodile, a flat dog.
- Brady Turner: Okay, you're losing me here.
- Kit: Well, that's what the Africans call the Nile crocodile. Anyway, the croc was supposedly a descendant of the ones the pharaohs rode into battle.
- Sunny: Giddyap, little gator.
- Kit: Shut up, all right? Shut up. My point is, this guy Harlan set up a shrine for this monster. I mean, he practically started a cult. He thought that he could use this beast to harness the powers of the ancient Egyptian crocodile god Sobek.
- Hubs: Lick my hairy right 'nad.
- Kit: So... Listen so the townspeople are about to run Harlan out of town because of his unchristian ways. Then something miraculous happened. The monster laid eggs. Who knows how she got pregnant?
- Foster: Aw, can we just fast forward to the flying guts and assholes or something?
- Hubs: You are wading through a lot of bullshit.
- Kit: Look no, guys, look, it's true, man. My grandmother raised me on this story, all right? It happened when she was a little girl. So Harlan takes the eggs and put them on display in the hotel lobby. But, then, one day, his 8 year old son got mad, he took a croquet mallet to them and smashed them all. And all they ever found of him after that was his hand.
- Hubs: Now every now and then, the croc comes back to the hotel and feasts on little 8-year-olds playing croquet. Good story, dude. Good story.
- Kit: Don't laugh, man. It's true.
- Sunny: [pouring shots of liquor] We're doing shots every time Kit says, "it's true."
- Kit: Listen, I don't care if you guys think this is funny or not, but, you know, they say that every once in awhile she'll come up to the hotel still looking for her eggs. In fact, about 10 years ago, some kids disappeared from this very place.
- Brady Turner: Right here?
- Kit: I imagine they were sitting around the fire just like us, but they just kept hearing things. You know? And the creature just came out of the shadows with its yellow eyes and its scaly skin all covered with barnacles, with those eyes that just that just paralyze you, you know? You can't move. And then you just sit there waiting for the inevitable that horrible fate awaiting you as it gets closer and closer and closer.
- [Duncan appears and scares everyone]
- Brady Turner: It was crazy. She wouldn't stop following us. She wouldn't leave us alone.
- Shurkin: I think you made her mad.
- Claire: What do you mean?
- Shurkin: You shouldn't have messed with them eggs.
- Claire: Oh, I told you you shouldn't have touched those.
- Duncan McKay: Leave me alone, all right? They were already messed up.
- Shurkin: Rampage like this needs a trigger. She's killin', not eatin.'
- Duncan McKay: [anxiously] Guys!
- Sheriff Bowman: That's why we haven't seen her before.
- Shurkin: She's probably been lurking around here all this time. It's over a hundred miles of inland she could hide in.
- Duncan McKay: Guys!
- Claire: This is all your fault, Duncan.
- Duncan McKay: GUYS!
- Brady Turner: Enough already.
- Duncan McKay: IT'S BACK!
- [Flat Dog is shown behind the boat]
- Sheriff Bowman: Let's get out of here.
- Duncan McKay: Let's go, let's go, come on!
- Sheriff Bowman: [the boat won't start] Start! Start! Damn it!
- Brady Turner: What's wrong!
- Sheriff Bowman: I can't start the engine. But it should work manually. This is happened before. You kids all get down. I'll get you out of here.
- [as he approaches the motor]
- Sheriff Bowman: come on, let's get this thing goin.'
- [as he tries to start the motor]
- Sheriff Bowman: Come on. Come on.
- [Flat Dog grabs and devours him]
- Duncan McKay: [spits out water after being hit by Brady] You were hitting me.
- Brady Turner: Oh, thank God.
- Duncan McKay: [pulls out his bug repellent] This eater-be-gone, never leave home without it. 100% indigestible.
- Sheriff Bowman: You boys missing something?
- Lester: What are you talking about?
- Sheriff Bowman: You sure one of your gators didn't take a little vacation?
- Lester: Oh, you know we keep them locked up tight. What's left of them. God bless 'em.
- Sheriff Bowman: [shows him broken crocodile egg] Looks like Mama got loose.
- Lester: Shurkin!
- Shurkin: I told you, keep him outta here!
- Lester: Shurkin, you really should come take a look at this.
- Shurkin: You got a search warrant this time?
- Sheriff Bowman: [hands him the broken egg] I got a nest of smashed gator eggs and two dead fishermen. I got enough to close you up for good.
- Shurkin: [laughing] And what good is that gonna do you? This aint no gator egg, Sheriff. It's somethin' much worse. A crocodile. And a pissed off one at that.
- Sheriff Bowman: Gator, crocodile-- What's the difference?
- Shurkin: [They go outside and he takes a tiny gator egg and compares it to the much larger broken crocodile egg] That's a gator egg, Sheriff. If I'd tried that with a croc, let's just say you'd be tying a tourniquet around the stump where my arm used to be. I'd say we're looking at, uh... 20 feet, maybe more. We all know who that is.
- Sheriff Bowman: Shurkin, you still tellin' that old story?
- Lester: He knows. You could say he's got a history of the Flat Dog.
- Shurkin: That's God's honest truth. That Egyptian croc tore my grandpappy to bits. And my daddy? Well, let's just say I've been waitin' my whole life to even the score.
- Sheriff Bowman: Damn it, Shurkin, that'd be 100 years ago.
- Shurkin: 96, to be exact. Hell that's nothin'. Crocs live 100-150 years, easy. You're gonna need all the help you can get, partner. A croc that size grab you in its 3-inch teeth, drag you under the water till your ears pop. Just about the time you're gonna drown, it'll start to spin. Round and round. We call it the death roll. Pretty soon every joint in your body is all dislocated. You're just a flappin' bit of meat. Then she'll either swallow you up right there or shove you under some root and wait for you to soften.
- Sheriff Bowman: You tryin' to scare me, or are you offerin' to help?
- Shurkin: I ain't offering shit, Sheriff. I'm exercisin' my birthright. But without me that monster's gonna eat everything in its path.
- Sheriff Bowman: Lester, how about you?
- Lester: Ah, I gotta stick around. It's feedin' time.
- Kit: [about the hotel] you know, they torched it up when I was a kid. I remember the sky was like this bright, bright red. You could see all the way from our house in town. My dad, he really loved that.
- Claire: He did?
- Kit: They shut it down in 1903. Some pretty crazy stuff happened up there. But local legend has it that the white marble lobby was smeared with blood. I mean, it covered everything. Serious body count. And it's been said to be cursed ever since.
- Lester: Flat Dog! Flat Dog! Flat Dog! Come out, come out wherever you are! You've been very, very bad! Killed all those innocents. God bless their immortal souls. Where are you, Flat Dog?
- [Flat Dog snarls]
- Lester: Oh, there you are. I've been lookin' for you. I came to ask you a favor. If you could just do me a favor and eat these smelly chickens, and then... Shurkin and the Sheriff are out to get ya. So just do me a favor and just hide tight, and then when they're not lookin', get 'em both. I'm sick of Shurkin. I'm sick of all his buggerings. Oh, and besides, if he dies, I get the farm. And I swear to god I'll treat your kin right. I really will. So here, just go and eat the fucker. Hold on!
- [Flat Dog eats him]
- Duncan McKay: Aah, watch it, man. Fuck, it hurts.
- Brady Turner: [sarcastically] Little baby doesn't like going over the bumpies.
- Duncan McKay: Aah! Stick it up your ass!
- Brady Turner: That's it! I've had it! I'm not pushing it anymore!
- Claire: Well, I can't carry him!
- Duncan McKay: You know, you two have been more concerned about where that fuckin' dog is then you have about me!
- Claire: [start pushing him in the wheelbarrow] Well, the dog isn't wasted space! Brady!
- Duncan McKay: Aah! Come on, man! Aah! Aah! Oh, ho ho ho! Ow! Watch it! Take it easy, sweetheart!
- Claire: Shut the fuck up!
- Duncan McKay: Fuck! Ow! Ah.
- [She stops pushing him]
- Duncan McKay: Come on!
- Claire: Fuck me!
- Duncan McKay: Come on! Get back and push down!
- Claire: I am!
- Duncan McKay: Ow! Stop doing that!
- Claire: [as he's spraying insect repellent] You stop doing that! Your fucking fumes are killing me!
- Duncan McKay: Look, I can't help it if I'm an easy target for bugs, all right?
- Brady Turner: Would you two shut the fuck up?
- Claire: [stops pushing him] You carry him!
- Duncan McKay: Come on, man! Let's go! Come on, man, my leg is gonna fall off!
- [Brady starts wheeling him again]
- Duncan McKay: Jesus Christ! Fuckin' A!
- Duncan McKay: Sheriff!
- Sheriff Bowman: Oh, you kids look like you've been through hell.
- Claire: [as they help Duncan into the boat] You have no idea.
- Sheriff Bowman: Where are your friends?
- Brady Turner: They're gone.
- Shurkin: Where'd that scaly demon go off to?
- Duncan McKay: Back in the water.
- Brady Turner: You know about her?
- Shurkin: We've been trackin' her. Left the trail of carnage in her wake.
- Sheriff Bowman: [to Duncan] Well, we'd better get you to town but quick.
- Duncan McKay: Yeah, that'd be great.
- Sheriff Bowman: Happy to see this old redneck now?
- Duncan McKay: Heckfire, yes.
- Claire: [as Flat Dog approaches the boat] This isn't fair.
- Shurkin: [as he pulls out his rifle, the sheriff pulls out his handgun] That won't do a damn bit of good, sheriff.
- Brady Turner: This isn't happening.
- Shurkin: Everybody get down.
- Duncan McKay: We tried shooting it! It didn't work!
- Shurkin: [regarding his rifle] Not with this you didn't. Sheriff, cut the engine.
- Sheriff Bowman: God Almighty!
- Shurkin: Cut the danged engine! There's no way we can outrun her. It'd be easier... .
- Duncan McKay: I DON'T CARE!
- Shurkin: Quiet!
- [Shoots at her, which proves ineffective]
- Duncan McKay: Where is it?
- Shurkin: Ahhh! Quiet! She's under the boat. Everybody get hold of something.
- Brady Turner: Claire!
- Shurkin: Where are you now?
- Brady Turner: [as Claire holds on to him next to the boat] Stay with me! Stay with me!
- Shurkin: Come on up, you miserable she-demon!
- [Flat Dog approaches]
- Shurkin: Aw, There you are! This first one's for my grandpappy!
- [Shoots at her, again it's ineffective]
- Shurkin: and the next one'll be for my daddy!
- [Flat Dog hits the boat causing him to fall into the water]
- Shurkin: Aah!
- Brady Turner: Oh, my God!
- Shurkin: [as he surfaces] Where she at? Where? Where is she? Where is she?
- [as Flat Dog approaches him]
- Shurkin: Sheriff! Pull me up! Pull me up!
- Brady Turner: Stay down!
- Shurkin: [as the sheriff pulls out his sidearm] Shoot for the eyes!
- Brady Turner: Get away! Get away from the side of the boat!
- Shurkin: [as the sheriff shoots ineffectively at Flat Dog] Shoot for the eyes!
- [Flat Dog devours him]
- Sheriff Bowman: Hey. You all could help me by showing me a little I.D.
- Hubs: There you go.
- Sheriff Bowman: Now, look, kids. I know why you're here. Party time. Heck, I used to do that myself.
- Duncan McKay: Amazing you found the time, what with all the pig shows and tractor pulls and such.
- Sheriff Bowman: [takes off his sunglasses] Son... Do you want to spend your vacation looking at the lake through a set of bars?
- Duncan McKay: No, sir.
- Sheriff Bowman: I didn't think so. Now, you all make sure that whoever is driving your rig is sober, you got me? Last year, some bozo came through here, went jet skiing after a kegger, ran right into a boat. There wasn't much left of him, but my men were able to scrape enough of him off the propeller to know that he had a B.A.C. of 0.25.
- Brady Turner: We'll be careful, sir.
- Sheriff Bowman: Good. Now, spring break is vacation for you kids. For me? That's my busy season, so you try to keep that in mind.
- Hubs: Yes sir.
- Duncan McKay: You got it. Well, then...
- Annabelle: [Princess is barking at the sheriff] Princess, don't bother the nice sheriff.
- Sheriff Bowman: You better get that fluff ball on a leash.
- Annabelle: [walking away] We don't like that man, do we? No, no.
- Harvey: Sure miss Charlie not coming out on these trips with us anymore.
- Stanley the Fisherman: And poor old Sissy's all backed up again, too much fiber. I swear, she was eating this stuff last week, and it looked like wood chips.
- Harvey: Yeah. Damn fiber ain't good for nothing. Just gets down in your colon and turns to stone.
- Stanley the Fisherman: Closing down that tannery just about killed old Charlie. And now with Sissy and the fiber, ahhh.
- Harvey: The man hardly gets out of the house anymore, what with that poor impacted woman.
- Stanley the Fisherman: [notices no fishing sign] Aw... cocksucking animal rights.
- [he kicks the sign]
- Stanley the Fisherman: That's hippie bullshit.
- Harvey: The tannery kept this town afloat. Now look at it.
- [Steps on an insect]
- Harvey: that's a fact.
- [They notice a nest of eggs]
- Harvey: Well, I'll be damned.
- [They both pick up the eggs]
- Harvey: Must be from the Giant Carolina Swamp Eater. Don't you think?
- Stanley the Fisherman: This damn bird closed the tannery.
- Harvey: They're supposed to be real endangered.
- Stanley the Fisherman: Huh. Well... fly away, little birdie. Fly!
- [Throws the egg into the water]
- Harvey: Now, this is for the blind salamander.
- [Throws egg into the water]
- Stanley the Fisherman: Are you hungry, Harvey?
- Harvey: Well, I reckon I could eat. I reckon I could eat.
- Stanley the Fisherman: Well, chomp down on this. It's meat free.
- [smashes egg into his chest causing him to fall and smash some of the eggs in the nest]
- Harvey: You jackass!
- Stanley the Fisherman: Lighten up, buddy.
- [Harvey throws an egg at him, he ducks and it lands in the water]
- Stanley the Fisherman: Okay, okay. You win.
- [Flat Dog jumps out of the water and eats him, then chases Harvey to his car and eats him as well]
- Duncan McKay: [picks up egg] Yo, check this out, man. Talk about getting laid.
- Foster: Yeah, that's like from an ostrich or something.
- Hubs: Or a beaver.
- Brady Turner: Hey, hey, you guys, you guys. You guys should leave those things alone, all right?
- Duncan McKay: Uh, yeah. Who brought dad along?
- Brady Turner: Hey, Duncan, there's a living creature inside of there, all right. Grow up.
- Duncan McKay: Yo, check out this creature.
- [Puts the egg into his pants]
- Kit: Elephantiasis of the nuts.
- Hubs: Is that an egg in your shorts or are you just happy to see me?
- [He drops the egg that he was holding]
- Brady Turner: You guys are idiots, seriously.
- Kit: Not cool.
- Duncan McKay: What, I'm not your type?
- Foster: Be a big boy, Duncan.
- Annabelle: Where's Princess?
- Kit: Will you just let her be a dog? Will you just let her be a dog?
- Annabelle: Kit, she could drown.
- Duncan McKay: Yo, Sunny.
- Sunny: Hmmm.
- Duncan McKay: [tosses her the egg] That was in my crotch.
- Sunny: [give him back the egg] You're such an asshole.
- Claire: [as Duncan and Hubs toss the egg back and forth] You know, I can't believe you two. For all you know, that could be an endangered species. that could be an endangered species.
- Duncan McKay: You know, Claire, the egg is a symbol of fertility. Perhaps you find that threatening.
- Duncan McKay: [after barely making it to shore] I quit. It's over. I can't take anymore of this.
- Claire: [crying] Neither can i.
- Duncan McKay: No matter what we do, it's gonna get us.
- Brady Turner: This is it, guys. We don't have a choice. We gotta fight this thing.
- Duncan McKay: Shut the fuck up, come on.
- Brady Turner: Look, man, maybe you want to sit here and wait for this thing to come out of the water and eat us, but personally I don't.
- Claire: Are you crazy? We can't fight anymore.
- Duncan McKay: Listen to her, man. Listen to her.
- Brady Turner: There's got to be some way.
- Duncan McKay: Just face it, Brady. We're dead.
- Brady Turner: Bullshit! Claire, give me your backpack.
- Claire: Jesus Christ, there's nothing even in there that can help...
- Brady Turner: Just give me your backpack! Just give it to me.
- Duncan McKay: [laughing] What, you think you got a rocket launcher in there?
- Brady Turner: [goes through her backpack and pulls out of pocket knife] Pocketknife. All right.
- Duncan McKay: [sarcastically] A pocketknife. Oh, that's good.
- Claire: Enough, Duncan.
- Brady Turner: [discovers the crocodile egg in her backpack] What's this?
- Duncan McKay: Oh, God.
- Brady Turner: What's this?
- [They both look at Duncan]
- Duncan McKay: Well, it wasn't me.
- Claire: Yeah, then who?
- Brady Turner: I saw Hubs messin' with your stuff.
- Claire: What? Then why the hell didn't you tell me?
- Brady Turner: You weren't talkin' to me then, remember? Ok. Ok. We got a knife.
- Duncan McKay: [laughing sarcastically] Give me a fucking break.
- Claire: Shut up, Duncan.
- Duncan McKay: Sticks!
- Brady Turner: [pulling out branches to sharpen them] We'll use those sweatshirts as blindfolds. That Australian guy from the Animal Planet does it all the time.
- Duncan McKay: Animal Planet!
- Brady Turner: And we got some sticks and we'll sharpen 'em and shove 'em down his throat.
- Duncan McKay: We're gonna fight that thing with sticks?
- Brady Turner: [picks up the egg] And we got the bait.
- Duncan McKay: Oh, God.
- Brady Turner: You doing okay?
- Claire: Yeah, great.
- Brady Turner: Listen, Claire, I'm sorry.
- Claire: Brady, please don't start, okay?
- Brady Turner: Look, I just need you to know that I...
- Claire: You know, it's not just about us anymore.
- Brady Turner: You know, if Duncan never would've passed me that cheat sheet in class, none of this would be happening. Wait a minute. What's that supposed to mean? "It's not about us anymore"? Is there something that I...
- Claire: I hate to break it to you, Brady, but.. Let's just make it out of here alive, okay?
- Duncan McKay: Hey, Claire-Bear.
- Claire: Not now, Duncan
- Duncan McKay: You been crying?
- Claire: [sarcastically] No, the winds just bothering my contacts. Just go away, okay?
- Duncan McKay: Calm down, all right? I'm playing the role of the concerned guy here.
- Claire: Well, I'm really not in the mood, okay?
- Duncan McKay: Not even in the mood for a little revenge? Sweet revenge?
- Claire: Against Brady or Sunny?
- Duncan McKay: Depends on how you look at it, I guess. I was thinking maybe you and I could... You know.
- Claire: No, I don't.
- Duncan McKay: Yes, you do. Bump monkeys, knock boots, make the beast with two backs? Come on.
- Claire: You are so disgusting!
- Duncan McKay: That may be, but you got to admit it would be perfect. You'd get back at him, have a little fun in the process. What do you say? Hmmm?
- [Claire smiles at him]
- Duncan McKay: Yeah.
- Claire: You know, I gotta congratulate you. I really didn't think I could get any lower, but, surprise, Duncan, you did it.
- Duncan McKay: Yes, I did.
- Claire: [she slapped him] You're total fucking scum.
- Duncan McKay: Well, I do my best.
- Claire: Get out of here before I kill you!
- Duncan McKay: All right, you got it. Just remember... The offer--tck-- is on the table.