- Berdine: No one understands Bettina. Her screen persona is a brilliant comment on the socio-political structure of stardom.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: You get all that from "The Pizza Waitress with Three Heads"? I guess we are the only ones watching the movie.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: [as Ann Bowman] I'm no mere chick! I'm a goddess! And the first thing I'm gonna sacrifice are ya balls, sonny!
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: [as Ann Bowman] Who do you have to FUCK to get a hot dog in this dump?
- Drive-In Counterman: Say what?
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: You heard me, buster! And I'm not payin' extra for dialog, so cut the chin music!
- Provoloney: Why you picking on us? We didn't do nothin' wrong.
- Captain Monica Stark: Because I don't like you. Don't like the way ya talk. I don't like the way ya walk. Don't like ya haircut. You kids think ya own this beach- think it's a teenage world. Well, you're dead wrong!
- T.J.: I've had a man's hairy balls since I was 8. It's the source of my power. They tell me the weather, time of day, if there's a pile-up on Route 66.
- Captain Monica Stark: Ms. Barnes, why am I feeling a sense of deja vu?
- Bettina Barnes: I have a breath mint in my purse, sweetie - will that help?
- Berdine: [excited] Miss Barnes, you are more than a mere sex kitten. You are the sentient embodiment of the Nietzschean superman, ever striving, striking a blow for the truth in the eternal battle of the sexes!
- Bettina Barnes: That is what I have been telling my agent for months.
- Captain Monica Stark: Strange that the victim had only one testicle stuffed in his mouth. I believe they usually come in pairs.
- Cookie: Well, that's cuz he only had one. I checked. Plenty of meat, only one potato.
- Kanaka: Mistress Ann, I've been a bad boy.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: And bad boys get spanked. Bad boys get tortured!
- Kanaka: Cowabunga!
- Lars: I'm having trouble with my pants. Whenever I put my hand in the pocket, I feel a little prick.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: See, I have this girlfriend. I'm kinda worried about her. She has these... blackouts.
- Starcat: What sort of blackouts?
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: Well, she says when she comes to she doesn't really remember anything that happened, but... she thinks when she's out, she's really out, I mean, like out of her bird. Well, what do you think?
- Starcat: It's not professional to give an instant diagnosis, but I'd say she's probably suffering from morbidly psychotic episodes of schizophrenia.
- Rhonda: Hey, is it true you're going to Europe at the end of the summer?
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: No, we just have a Swedish exchange student living with us.
- Rhonda: Oh, I heard you were going to Denmark.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: Where'd ya get that idea?
- Rhonda: I heard you were going there to have some sort of an operation.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: An operation?
- Rhonda: Yeah, I heard you were having your dick cut off and turning into a girl.
- [suddenly gleeful]
- Rhonda: Kisses.
- Starcat: Kid, listen to it in high-fidelity, stereophonic sound: surfing's a man's domain. No minnows in the shark tank.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: Of course I know that! It was an accident. But then you never have accidents do you, Mr Perfect?
- Starcat: Don't you ever call me that!
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: What, "Mr Perfect"?
- Starcat: You don't know what it's like, having everybody think you're the golden boy - perfectly smart, perfectly athletic. You can't imagine the pressure.
- Florence "Chicklet" Forrest: And I thought all those people starving in India had it bad.
- Berdine: [excited] Bettina Barnes! I loved you in "The Tarantula Queen of Hoboken"! I swear, I saw "Sex Kittens and the Killer Meatballs" 16 times!
- [as she's hauled off by the cops]
- Mrs. Forrest: You'll never get away with this, motherfucking cocksuckers!
- Captain Monica Stark: Frankly, Dr. Edwards, in the past, I've had little use for you headshrinkers, inkblot tests, "I hate my mother" and all that crap. But with this case, I find myself at a loss. I understand you specialize in the treatment of homicidal maniacs.
- Dr. Edwards: Yes, well, I've never been involved in a criminal investigation.
- Captain Monica Stark: Hmm. Don't worry. You can leave the cops and robbers stuff to me. What I need from you is this: what kind of sicko am I looking for?
- Dr. Edwards: The perpetrator preys upon vulnerable unfortunates the killers deems somehow flawed.
- Captain Monica Stark: Give me a profile.
- Dr. Edwards: Let's say the assailant is highly sophisticated, yet childlike. Vulnerable but canny.
- [a photo of Chicklet flies in Monica's head]
- Dr. Edwards: Capable of both tenderness and extreme brutality.
- [then, a photo of Kanaka]
- Dr. Edwards: The murderer is highly intelligent, yet strangely out of touch with reality.
- [then a photo of Mrs. Forrest]
- Dr. Edwards: Sexual, yet surprisingly innocent.
- [then, a photo of Bettina Barnes]
- Dr. Edwards: This individual has an insatiable craving for normalcy, which will make your investigation all the more difficult.
- Captain Monica Stark: How so?
- Dr. Edwards: Because the killer will do everything in his power to pass as normal.
- [finally, a question mark]
- Dr. Edwards: He or she could be anyone.
- Bettina Barnes: Another lousy sci-fi flick. Berdine, I just can't identify with the Rat-Faced Girl from Mars.
- Berdine: Is it really that bad?
- Bettina Barnes: Honey, Lassie could fart out a better script.
- Captain Monica Stark: Mrs. Forrest, what were you doing at 9 PM last night?
- Mrs. Forrest: What any woman should be doing at 9 PM. Needlepoint!
- Mrs. Forrest: Madame Detective, I will not have my daughter interrogated by the Secret Police. As far as I know we are not yet a part of the Soviet Union.