- [Mickey cuts in on a dance between Princess Jessica and another fairy]
- Princess Jessica: Hello!
- [pause]
- Princess Jessica: And what are you staring at?
- Mickey Muldoon: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way on the wondering walls of Troy!
- Princess Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine!
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh you shine, Princess Mine, you shine!
- Jack Woods: You're - you're...
- Seamus Muldoon: A Leprechaun. Wet Leprechaun. Leader of the Kerry Leprechauns. Seamus Maldoon, at your wet service.
- Mary Muldoon: [invisible] What in the Grand Banshee's name do you think you're doing?
- Seamus Muldoon: What's it look like; I'm talking to the man.
- Mary Muldoon: Are you mad, as well as stupid?
- Seamus Muldoon: I have to! He saved me!
- Mary Muldoon: He *saved* you?
- Seamus Muldoon: Gallantly, I have to say. And not at all for himself.
- [Jack stumbles outside]
- Mary Muldoon: [appears inside] You were drunk!
- Seamus Muldoon: Of *course* I was drunk... I hate water!
- Jack Woods: [cut to outside] Just calm down, Jack. Get - a grip. It's just jetlag.
- Mary Muldoon: [cut to inside] And you *let* him save you?
- Seamus Muldoon: I didn't ask him, Mary, he just did it!
- Mary Muldoon: That's no excuse! You could have had the decency to drown!
- Jack Woods: [outside] ... hangover... bump on the head... You're fine.
- Mary Muldoon: I'm Mary Maldoon...
- Jack Woods: Oh, give me a break!
- [turns, sees Leprechauns]
- Mary Muldoon: ...Seamus' wife for my sins. Of which there must have been hundreds to have such a terrible fate!
- Seamus Muldoon: They say that married men live longer than single ones. It only *seems* like that.
- Seamus Muldoon: [glancing at Jack's photo of Kathleen] Ah, isn't she a magnificent woman?
- Mary Muldoon: She's pretty enough - in an ugly, human kind of a way. They'd make a fine couple.
- [they laugh]
- Jack Woods: OK, OK, *thank* you...
- Jericho O'Grady: [the Leprechauns are trapped by the palace balcony, persued by Fairies] What do we do now?
- Sean Devine: [sarcastically] Try to remember how to fly.
- [turns, sees Mickey floating in mid-air]
- Sean Devine: Mickey!
- Mickey Muldoon: I... I dunno how I'm doing it.
- Sean Devine: I hate to be the one to tell you this, Mickey lad, but you're in love.
- Mickey Muldoon: [vaguely] Really?
- Sean Devine: Well, that's the sign.
- Mickey Muldoon: Is that a fact?
- Sean Devine: [the Fairies are approaching] Grab him before he comes to his senses!
- Mickey Muldoon: [dreamily] I met this girl... Princess Jessica.
- Seamus Muldoon: Princess Jessica - King Boric's daughter!
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh, she's an angel, with the face!
- Seamus Muldoon: Oh, no, no, no, no, no - listen - You leave her be! I don't want that sort of trouble! Mary Maldoon, this is your fault! Jack - will you tell him to listen to his father?
- Jack Woods: Why? I never did.
- Seamus Muldoon: Neither did I; that's not point!
- Mary Muldoon: So he's told you, has he? You're his father, speak to him!
- Seamus Muldoon: Mickey Maldoon, you listen to me: You stay away from that girl, or I'll disown you!
- Mickey Muldoon: How can you disown me; you don't own anything.
- Mary Muldoon: Don't speak to your father like that!
- Mickey Muldoon: What, you do!
- Jack Woods: That's expected - I'm his wife! And don't speak to *me* like that!
- Seamus Muldoon: Yes, don't speak to her like that!
- Mickey Muldoon: Well, who'm I expected to speak to like that, then?
- Seamus Muldoon: Now you're speaking to me like that.
- Mickey Muldoon: But she started speaking to *me* like that...
- [fade]
- Bert Bagnell: The race will be one circle to the track, to that there flag! And try not to cheat too much!
- Jack Woods: [Seamus and Mickey appear in his buggy while he's racing] What're you doing here?
- Seamus Muldoon: We thought you might like a hand.
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Woods, the old Leprechaun magic'll do the tirck.
- Jack Woods: Great! Tell me what to do!
- [beat]
- Seamus Muldoon: Get closer to the others!
- Bert Bagnell: [immediately after Jack hits his head on a rafter] Mind the beam.
- Jack Woods: Oh, boy, this house was built for little people.
- Bert Bagnell: Uh, no, it's not! Not at all!
- Mary Muldoon: [to Jack] You're soaking wet. I'll get you a towel.
- Seamus Muldoon: Hey, what about me?
- Mary Muldoon: *You* can get pneumonia!
- Mary Muldoon: Where are you going?
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh, just to do some mischief.
- Mary Muldoon: That's all right, then.
- Sean Devine: I was looking out for Count Grogan.
- Barney O'Grady: May his Fairy bones rot!
- Sean Devine: I thought I could drop on him all quiet-like, you know, for a little flattering.
- Barney O'Grady: I'll flatter him, quiet or not!
- Sean Devine: Your brother talks a good fight, Jericho.
- Jericho O'Grady: If *talking* was all it took, he'd be Heavyweight Champion of all Ireland!
- Seamus Muldoon: That's a very energetic way of doing the weeding, Jack.
- Jack Woods: Seamus. I'm not gardening, I'm practicing my swing.
- Seamus Muldoon: Your swing?
- Jack Woods: Yeah. Yeah, my golf swing. You know, this whole area, this'd make a perfect golf course, don't you think?
- Seamus Muldoon: No doubt, no doubt about it... I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.
- [Micky kisses Princess Jessica]
- Princess Jessica: [Gasps] How dare you?
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh, I dare, Princess Jessica; I dare!
- Princess Jessica: Come back here at once, and apologize!
- Mickey Muldoon: Oh, you must be joking! Well, you'll have to catch me first! And no flying!
- Princess Jessica: You think a Princess can't run?
- Mickey Muldoon: ...NO!
- [she chases him up the stairs]
- Jack Woods: [of the berries on a bush] Are these things clean?
- Kathleen Fitzpatrick: Yeah, oh yeah, they're clean... Poisonious, but clean.
- Jack Woods: That's very funny, I'm just not used to eating anything without an experation date.
- Kathleen Fitzpatrick: Oh, go on, Jack! Why don't you take a walk on the wild side!
- Jack Woods: [throws a berry up in the air and catches it with his mouth, making Kathleen laugh] Those are good!
- Kathleen Fitzpatrick: Yeah...
- Jack Woods: Those are really good. It's better than in the store.
- [shoves more berries in his mouth]
- Mickey Muldoon: Come away with me.
- Princess Jessica: I can't!
- Mickey Muldoon: We can do anything!
- [they kiss]
- Jericho O'Grady: [sees his brother bound by a pair of Fairies outside the bar he was gaurding] Aw, Barney!
- Barney O'Grady: Don't worry, lads. I've got them where I want them.
- Count Grogan: [flies in] Ah, Maldoon. What a coincidence finding you here.
- Mickey Muldoon: I don't want any trouble, Grogan. Let Barney go.
- Count Grogan: You might not *want* trouble, but that's what you've got.
- [Mickey flips over him but he follows suit to stand in front of him again]
- Count Grogan: You don't get away that easy.
- Mickey Muldoon: I'm not fighting.
- Count Grogan: Oh, you'll fight. Or your young friend here has done his last spell of gaurding.
- Sean Devine: Is that a fact? Well, I'm happy to oblige you.
- Jericho O'Grady: And so am I.
- Count Grogan: My fight is with Maldoon here.
- Sean Devine: Ah, well. As much as it grieves me to watch another Leprechaun have all the fun.
- [handing him a spear]
- Sean Devine: Go for it, Mickey me boy. Little Maurice here is begging for it.
- Count Grogan: DON'T call me Maurice!
- Sean Devine: Oh, well then, I won't. Maurice.
- Jericho O'Grady: [laughing] And niether will I - Maurice!
- Barney O'Grady: Maurice, Maurice, Maurice!
- Sean Devine: Give him a taste of Leprechaun justice, Mickey me lad.
- Mickey Muldoon: I'm not fighting, Seanie.
- [to Grogan]
- Mickey Muldoon: Let him go.
- [he tries to walk off but Sean stops him]
- Sean Devine: That girl has unmanned you.
- Count Grogan: He's a yellow-belly. He was coward's legs, like all Leprechauns.
- Sean Devine: That's it. Enough's enough. No more Mr. Nice Leprechaun. Oh, I'll show you coward's legs. *And* arms.
- Mickey Muldoon: Don't do it; it's what he wants!
- Sean Devine: Well, there's the thing. It's what I want, too!
- [he draws his spear and Grogan's appears in his hand]
- Barney O'Grady: If you need any help, Sean, I'm right here for ya.
- Sean Devine: Good man.
- [they fight]
- Mickey Muldoon: It's Count Grogan, the first of the fairy fools.
- Count Grogan: Muck on, Mickey Muldoon. You and that hairy mistake Sean Devine make a fine raggedy-arsed pair. Clear the path. You're the polluting the grass.
- Mickey Muldoon: And what if we don't?
- Count Grogan: Then I'll have to make you.
- Sean Devine: You and which particular thousand Trooping Fairies might that be? I'll flatten you without raising a sweat.
- Count Grogan: Oh, we're all trembling before Sean Devine... a powerful man with a powerful set of eyebrows.
- Jericho O'Grady: Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- Mickey Muldoon: You look so lovely in the moonlight.
- Princess Jessica: Take off your mask.
- Mickey Muldoon: Uh, that-that's not a good idea.
- Princess Jessica: Are you frightened?
- Mickey Muldoon: Yes... uh, no. Um...
- Princess Jessica: Then do it.
- Mickey Muldoon: For your sake only.
- Princess Jessica: I'll turn away.
- [Mickey removes his leprechaun mask and Jessica sees his face]
- Princess Jessica: But you're a Leprechaun. A real one.
- Mickey Muldoon: I am.
- Princess Jessica: But Leprechauns are all vile and villainous, and vulgar!
- Mickey Muldoon: Well, Trooping Fairies are all sneering, snobbish and selfish!
- Princess Jessica: That is not true! We're *not* like that.
- Mickey Muldoon: [growing amused] And we're not all vile and villainous. Now vulgar, maybe. That's fair enough, I can't argue there...
- Princess Jessica: But you're still a Leprechaun.
- Mickey Muldoon: And you... you're still a Trooping Fairy. Does it make any difference?
- Princess Jessica: No.
- [Mickey takes Jessica's hand and kisses it]
- Jack Woods: I'm sorry, Kathleen, but I'm leaving on the evening train.
- Kathleen Fitzpatrick: This evening?
- George Fitzpatrck: Good riddance.
- Kathleen Fitzpatrick: George?... Could you go, please?
- John Fitzpatrick: You going somewhere, George; can I go with you?
- George Fitzpatrck: Not me, him.
- John Fitzpatrick: I don't wanna go with him.
- George Fitzpatrck: No one asked you!