- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Keep icing your front bum. Swelling continues if you don't ice. And I need you... not really.
- Berke Landers: Striker I'd be careful with that accent if I were you. Because You're beginning to sound a lot like Mary Poppins.
- Striker: Look I don't know what you are blathering about but if I were you...
- [get's up in Fosters face]
- Berke Landers: Are you wearing makeup?
- Striker: That's it... careful Landers I do believe that you are trifling with danger
- [takes out nunchucks]
- Berke Landers: Who keeps nunchucks in their pants?
- Felix Woods: You know that song "Pocketful of Dreams"?
- Band Member: Down here we call it "Pocketful of Ass".
- Felix Woods: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are not going over there. You go over there, you might as well put your stick on a cracker. You know, it's still only gonna make you her bitch. You don't want that. It's bad!
- Berke Landers: Felix, I've taken pisses longer than your last three relationships.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: What direction do you think "left" is? See, because if you go with your instinct and reverse it, I think we have something happening. How difficult is this? I'm so alone, I think.
- Jessica: I am trying. You are intimidating me.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Well you are FRIGHTENING me. You understand that? How do you get dressed in the morning? Do you have people come in, or do you just lie in state?
- Coach Hibble: Nice trick there, Landers, catching the ball with your face. Next thing you know, you'll be shooting three-pointers with your ass.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Mr. Landers, how nice of you to join us. And thanks for not showering. What a super instinct.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: I remember what the wonderful Bobby De Niro said to me. Well, not to me, I read it in an article.
- Berke Landers: [singing] Kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer...
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: PROJECTION MR. BERKE... projection.
- [singing]
- Berke Landers: Kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer...
- Kelly: Hold tight a little longer... longer with Big Red.
- Berke Landers: That Big Red freshness lasts right through it.
- Kelly and Basin: Your fresh breath goes on and on...
- Everyone: While you chew it. So say goodbye a little longer, make it last a little longer...
- Berke Landers: Give your breath long-lasting freshness... WITH BIG RED.
- [Cheers from the audience]
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: I'd like you to read this poster and tell me what it says at the bottom.
- Kelly: "No food or drink allowed in the auditorium at any time."
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: It says "Twelve original songs by Dr. Desmond Forest Oates."
- Kelly: Oh, that part.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Yes, that part. I'll tell you what it doesn't say. It doesn't say "Additional lyrics by little miss sassy pants."
- Dennis Wallace: Well, um, sometimes, the coach calles me ''Crazy Legs''.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Ooh... DOES HE?
- Berke Landers: For the first time in my life, I was in love. And I knew it would last forever... Boy was I a dumb ass.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Oh, that was fun. Who was the composer on that?
- Kelly: Me, actually.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting applause?
- Felix Woods: Just keep an eye on her man. 'Cause some of those theatre guys, they have a reputation of being kinda...
- Dennis Wallace: Gay?
- Felix Woods: See, now that's what they want you to think.
- Jessica: Sir, your wife called. She won't be able to make it to the show tonight.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Did she say why?
- Jessica: It was hard to understand through the slur.
- [first lines]
- Berke Landers: [narrating] She was the first girl to see me naked. Granted we were 7 years old at the time, but I had a feeling, even then. There's really something about the first girl you play doctor with. Maybe it's cosmic or something. Or perhaps it's just that she's seen your package and didn't run away screaming. Whatever it was, Allison and I were made for each other. A perfect fit. So, when her family moved away, I knew that some day, some how, fate would bring us back together.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: [interrupting Kelly's song] Time. Time.
- [music stops]
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: It's just not very good. I could lie to you, but I would do you a disservice, because it's-it's just bad.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Go Del.
- Del: Go bid the huntsmen, wake them with their horns.
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Hold it- yes um- um what can I... You'd tell me if you'd had a stroke.
- Striker: I don't even know what you're doing here Landers, but if some guy dazzled his way into my ex-girlfriends fancy I'd be doing the same thing... only I'd have a bigger part.
- Berke Landers: [nonchalant] You dropped your sword.
- Dennis Wallace: [talking about Berke's ex-girlfriend] Who marries their high school girlfriend, anyway?
- Felix: And don't say Macaulay Culkin.
- Berke Landers: Sorry, sir, there was a big accident.
- Coach Hibble: You are *so* lucky I'm not Bobby Knight!
- Berke: [reading the school play] Captain of the fairy band, Helena is close at hand. I'm understanding about every word of this shit.
- Kelly: [Kelly and Basin enters] Berke.
- Berke: Hey.
- Kelly: What happened to your face?
- Berke: A long story.
- Kelly: A Midsummer Night's Dream? What, are you gonna try out for the show?
- Berke: Kinda, sor - Maybe.
- Kelly: Well, you know, if you're serious about it, I'm kinda good at that stuff.
- Berke: Really?
- Basin: Have you heard her songs?
- [patting Kelly's shoulder]
- Basin: She's only like the next Josie Mitchell.
- Kelly: [putting her hand on Basin's shoulder] Joni Mitchell.
- Berke: I-I could actually use some help. So, tomorrow, coffee?
- Kelly: Okay. Coffee would be great.
- Berke: Okay.
- Kelly: Bye.
- Berke: Bye.
- [Kelly and Basin leaves]
- Basin: [mocking Kelly's words] If you're serious, I'm kinda good at that stuff.
- Kelly: Shut up.
- Basin: [mocking Kelly's words] Shut up!
- [pats Kelly]
- Kelly: [gasps] What?
- Basin: Did you see Dennis staring at me again?
- Kelly: Oh, I know, totally.
- Basin: I told you.
- Berke Landers: It was the perfect romance. I was dating the most beautiful girl in school. And the cool part? We still played doctor.
- Frank Landers: This maximizes the pleasure for both partners.
- Beverly Landers: Exactly, right, right, and, and while simultaneously allowing for face-to-face intimacy.
- Berke Landers: Of all the lunchrooms, in all the schools in all the world, that day, she walked into mine.
- Felix Woods: Berke, just face it, man. You're screwed.
- Berke Landers: I don't think so. I think I can take this backstreet bitch.
- Kelly: "A Midsummer Night's Rockin' Eve"?
- Dr. Desmond Forest Oates: Classical Shakespeare with a contemporary musical twist.
- Striker: [singing] Oh, it's so funny, To be seeing you, After so long, girl, And the way you look, I understand, That you are not impressed, But I heard you let that little friend of mine, Take off your party dress...