- James Ritchie: Am I talking to an actor now, or a human being?
- Chief Insp. Cockburn: Neither sir, I'm a policeman.
- Police Constable Cochrane: So what's the pay like then?
- Wallace: They pay all your expenses, you're licensed to kill, but there's a down side.
- Police Constable Cochrane: What's that?
- Wallace: Torture.
- Police Constable Cochrane: There's the women, though.
- Wallace: Well, they're nice after the torture. Believe me.
- Police Constable Cochrane: Not much of a car they've given you though, is it?
- Wallace: Oh, it's a piece of crap! I've got an Aston Martin - had trouble with the surface-to-air missiles.. So, it's in the shop.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Are you going to bring me that martini, or do I have to suck it out of the glass from here?
- Immigration Officer: How long will you be staying in this country, sir?
- Wallace: That's a very good question.
- Immigration Officer: Yes, I thought so, too.
- Wallace: I'd like to see everything, but, not have people know I'm a tourist, you know.
- Wallace: She told me about the letters.
- Gilbert Embleton: Letters? What letters?
- Wallace: The letters. She told me about them. I know all about the letters. How do you think I know? She told me. That's how I found out.
- Stage Manager: Excuse me, no pass, no entry.
- Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky: I'm looking for a tall American.
- Stage Manager: Aren't we all, dear, but we've got a show to put on, in case you didn't notice.
- Wallace: Was that a tear? How do you people do it? Do you poke yourself in the eye? Or are you thinking right now "My dog is dead"?
- Lorelei 'Lori': What's the matter with you? Are you enjoying this?
- Wallace: Enormously! "My dog... is dead".
- Sergei: Why so gloomy? Is better than being butcher.
- Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky: I like being butcher. You know exactly who you are killing. And why.
- [cocks the gun]
- James Ritchie: [about Wallace] I never knew someone could forgot so much without a severe blow to the head.
- Hawkins: Spencer, did you flush?
- Wallace: I think she's gonna do that, don't you, pal? I'll ask her. Lori!
- Hawkins: [Quietly to Daggenhurst] He's talking to her!
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: She's still in the bowl?
- Hawkins: Maybe he tried to flush her, but she floated back up!
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Tell him to flush her! Spencer knows how to deal with floaters.
- Lorelei 'Lori': You know, for half a second back there I thought I saw a real human being.
- Wallace: Nobody asked me to be a human being.
- Barbara Ritchie: Wallace, won't you introduce us to your friend?
- Wallace: Oh. Everybody, this is Lori. She's the defense minister's call girl.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Bastard!
- [slaps Wally]
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: What are you doing with one of our communicators, Cochrane?
- Police Constable Cochrane: This man refused to provide me with any identification.
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Of course he didn't provide you with any identification. He's a secret agent.
- Wallace: [a constable asks Wallace to see his license after a high speed chase] No, you may not! But I do have this nifty communicator with which you can speak directly to my superiors.
- Wallace: [On the communicator/cigarette case] Breaker, breaker, come on back to that big ol' HQ, come on back to me.
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: Who is this?
- Wallace: This is Spencer.
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: So you're still using that name, are you?
- Wallace: Well, I figured I would until 11:30.
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: [to his assistant] How he mocks us.
- James Ritchie: He's not the kind of guy you drop into the middle of a boring business dinner. With Wally, you need a sense of humor.
- Barbara Ritchie: Oh, right and we've got Germans coming for dinner tonight.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Do I get a last request?
- Wallace: You mean like a cigarette or something?
- Lorelei 'Lori': I had something more substantial in mind.
- Wallace: A Cigar?
- Lorelei 'Lori': Now you're boasting.
- Sir Roger Daggenhurst: New funding. New equipment. New weapons. New poisons. Happy days, Hawkins. Happy days.
- Wallace: I can help you.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Why would you do that?
- Wallace: Because I'd much rather be a good guy.
- Lorelei 'Lori': You're not just acting?
- Wallace: Well, we both are. In the Theater of Life, I mean.
- Lorelei 'Lori': I suppose we are.
- Wallace: You know, I'm helping you out, but, I'm not a completely good guy. There's something I want, and you're gonna have to let me do it.
- Lorelei 'Lori': It's like that, is it?
- Wallace: I'm afraid so.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Typical man.
- Wallace: Are you a member of our Frequent Renters' Club?
- Boris 'The Butcher' Blavasky: We would like to be.
- Wallace: We have a two-night rental policy. If the tape stays out longer than that, you're not charged the extra $1.50 per night.
- Wallace: I just kissed the girl I was with earlier and she's got lips like your sofa. Talk about big-car comfort. Wow! And it wasn't just a "kiss" kiss... I want to do this every single day I'm here. Either that was her tongue or she's got three lips.
- Wallace: Well, what about the money? We can't just rewrite the whole script, can we?
- Lorelei 'Lori': Can't we? Is the money so important?
- Wallace: Oh, without the money, what the heck we got going on?
- Lorelei 'Lori': Less than I thought, obviously.
- Otto: Do you know what your problem is, apart from being a really ugly bastard? Come on! You big pansy! Come on! Give us your best shot, mouseballs!
- Lorelei 'Lori': Well, I often wondered what death would look like; but, I didn't think he'd look like you.
- Barbara Ritchie: They might find him interesting, being in the film industry.
- Wallace: Well, it's not exactly the film industry.
- James Ritchie: It is and it isn't. It is!
- Wallace: I'm with Blockbuster in Des Moines, Barbara.
- Barbara Ritchie: So, you're not a Producer?
- Wallace: No, not exactly. Not at all, really.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Do you think I look silly in this outfit? I could take it off, if you'd like.
- Wallace: Ahem. No. It's good silly.
- Lorelei 'Lori': These handcuffs are great. The ones I've got got that chain in the middle. Do you know the ones I mean?
- Wallace: What about our story? Are we just a doomed couple? We have to be "Bonnie and Clyde"? Can't it be like "The Getaway"? Couldn't it be like that?
- Lorelei 'Lori': Could be.
- Wallace: You're acting.
- Lorelei 'Lori': I'm not acting. Are you?
- Wallace: Honestly. I can't act.
- Chief Insp. Cockburn: [on the phone] Are you attempting to bribe a police officer?
- James Ritchie: Do you torture everybody like this or just Americans? Look, Mr. Shakespeare, yes, yes, I want to bribe you. Is the Prime Minister there? I'll bribe him! I'll bribe anybody who will talk to me! You invented the damn language, talk to me! No wonder you people lost the empire! And you know what? Scotland's next! Yes or no? Yes or no, you socialist, artsy-fartsy little dweeb.
- Chief Insp. Cockburn: American. Charlie, it's just a hunch, but I think we might be dealing with some sort of right-wing extremist what-have-you.
- Wallace: Why do you always have to go out the window? It's more dramatic, I guess.
- Lorelei 'Lori': Come on.
- Wallace: It's kind of a Starsky and Hutch thing, isn't it?
- Wallace: I suppose you were involved with that business in Helsinki with Ponsonby, huh? Did you get your kicks, doctor, huh?
- Ms. Goldstein: We were just having a little fun!
- Wallace: Yeah! You had you fun! And he got his head sent home in a freezer bag.
- Lorelei 'Lori': I feel sick. Do you think you trust me to go to the loo?
- Wallace: The loo. Ha-ha-ha. Off to the loo with you.
- Wallace: Let's get creative. I'm thinking for our opening season, Lori - as Juliet. Shakespeare in the Sand! You've got casting approval, okay? For your lead, Joan of Arc for our action people. I set you afire. You behead him, right? Experimental. Cats. Wait a second! With people. People as cats. Let's workshop.