- William Overbeck: How'd you like to be the first guy to die on Mars.
- Fred Randall: Well sorry Mr. First to Show Inappropriate Anger on Mars.
- Fred Randall: Hey, Commander, were you ever afraid of monsters under your bed? When I was little I used to think there was a baker under my bed.
- William Overbeck: No.
- Fred Randall: You ever look?
- William Overbeck: No.
- Fred Randall: Then how do you know there wasn't a baker under your bed?
- Fred Randall: It wasn't me!
- William Overbeck: What do you mean "It wasn't you"? We're 35 million miles from the nearest person!
- Fred Randall: Maybe it was Julie.
- William Overbeck: You dog!
- Fred Randall: Hey! Miracles can happen.
- William Overbeck: Blaming this on Julie!
- Fred Randall: Okay. I admit. It was me.
- William Overbeck: Thank you.
- [Fred farts again]
- Fred Randall: Now, THAT was Julie!
- Fred Randall: We're the first to stand on Mars!
- William Overbeck: Yeah. Now you're the biggest idiot on two planets.
- [about Fred]
- Bud Nesbitt: Only a complete genius or a total fool could ever pull this off. Lucky for us he's both.
- Fred Randall: It reminds me of a French Canadian tennis racket, stuck to the back of a Venus snow-goon, bubbling out of my sister's Brazilian donkey - I don't think I can make myself any clearer!
- [Randall is laying on the floor with socks on his hands when the technicians come to get him out]
- Fred Randall: Can you leave me alone for just five more minutes? I just got into the third act.
- [with an English voice and moving sock puppet]
- Fred Randall: Yes! Close the door! It's bloody chilly in here!
- Julie Ford: I guess I'll see you in eight months.
- Fred Randall: Boy. I wish I had nine hundred twenty-eight dollars for every time a girl said that to me!
- Fred Randall: I feel like a paleontologist that's been hunting dinosaurs his whole life and finally got to meet one!
- William Overbeck: Well it's a very special drink. It's just for us astronauts.
- Fred Randall: Oh! Like Tang?
- Fred Randall: They say that when a mother's child is trapped the rush of her adrenaline gives her the strength of 20 men. Alright Commander call me Mommy!
- Bud Nesbitt: Look, it was an accident.
- Fred Randall: Oh, sure, sure it was. Just like the captain of the Exxon Valdez didn't see Alaska floating there right in front of him!
- Fred Randall: It's a tale as old as time Ulysses. Boy meets girl, boy falls for girl. Girl goes into hypersleep.
- [Fred is typing on the computer to find out how long he's been asleep]
- Fred Randall: [while typing] Query: How long have I been asleep?
- [the screen reads "RESPONSE: THIRTEEN MINUTES"]
- Fred Randall: Thirteen minutes?
- Fred Randall: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT! His name is my name too!
- [whispering]
- Fred Randall: whenever we go out, the people always shout,
- [screaming again]
- Fred Randall: JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT!
- Fred Randall: Mr. Wick, can I call you Paul?
- Paul Wick: No.
- Fred Randall: Are we there yet?
- Paul Wick: No.
- Fred Randall: Can I drive?
- Paul Wick: No.
- Fred Randall: Can I park it?
- Fred Randall: [to the Chimp] Alright, I'm going out. If you light the place on fire the number's 9-1-1, thank you.
- Fred Randall: Hey! There's no airbag. What if I go flying through the windshield?
- William Overbeck: Randall, there is no windshield.
- Fred Randall: Oh. Well, what if I go flying through the front of my helmet?
- William Overbeck: I'd die happy.
- Fred Randall: Commander, can I call you Bill?
- William Overbeck: No.
- Fred Randall: Are we there yet?
- William Overbeck: No.
- Fred Randall: Can I drive?
- William Overbeck: No!
- Fred Randall: I'm hungry!
- Fred Randall: You're alive Little Billy!
- William Overbeck: Don't you ever call me little Billy!
- Fred Randall: That's no way to talk to your mother!
- [to her dismay, Julie has just been introduced to Fred and is conferring with Paul in private]
- Paul Wick: So what do you think?
- Julie Ford: What do I think? What do you think? I mean, what is your reasoning here, Paul? Because we're going to Mars, we should take a guy *from* Mars?
- Paul Wick: He's a computer genius. He's supposed to be a little weird.
- Julie Ford: A LITTLE?
- Paul Wick: I am not gonna let a few random personality quirks ground the most important mission of my career!
- Julie Ford: Well, Paul, excuse me for letting my practical concerns get in the way of your career!
- Paul Wick: Wait, wait. This mission means just as much to me as it does to you, Ford! And if Gordon can't cut it, then this kid is our last hope.
- All: [singing] He's got the whole world in his hands!
- Bud Nesbitt: How about just saying, "Thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It really means a lot to me."
- Fred Randall: Oh, yeah. Thanks for the cool coin, Bud. It really- what was the rest?
- Fred Randall: Mom, going to Mars shouldn't be referred to running away.
- Mrs. Randall: Last time you ran away it was only to the garage.
- [after another failed Mars landing blamed on a computer glitch]
- Paul Wick: GET ME THE NAME OF THE GUY THAT WROTE THIS SOFTWARE!
- [as a young boy, Fred Randall is looking at the stars from what appears to be a spaceship window]
- Young Fred: Gemini, this is Houston. Do you copy?
- [imitates radio static]
- Young Fred: Roger that, Houston. This is Captain Fred Randall.
- [imitates radio static]
- Young Fred: Houston, the earth looks beautiful. It's like a giant blueberry.
- [imitates radio static]
- Young Fred: Roger that, Houston. We are set to fire retrorockets.
- [imitates radio static]
- Young Fred: That's a go, Gemini. Retrofire ignition in T-minus six and counting. Five, four, three, two, one! Ignition!
- [it's revealed that young Fred is actually in a dryer and it has just been turned on]
- Young Fred: [spinning around in the dryer] Houston, we have a problem. We have a problem! Mission Control, the gyro is out! The gyro is out! Houston, we have a problem! We have a problem! I want my mommy! I want my mommy!
- [Fred's mother returns to turn off the dryer]
- Young Fred: Uh-oh.
- Mrs. Randall: Fred Z. Randall, what are you doing?
- Young Fred: I come in peace!
- Mrs. Randall: Look, George, it's our little moon man.
- Mr. Randall: [steps into the room] Sweet pickled pineapples! Why can't he play football, like the rest of the kids?
- Mrs. Randall: Oh, George!
- [as the parents leave, young Fred looks up at the stars wistfully]