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Fishman: Well guys, we gotta start a fire. Better start looking for pinecones.
Max: Pinecones?
Fishman: It says in the manual, whenever your camp is surrounded by green wood, always use pinecones to start your fire.
Max: If the manual told you to stick your wiener in a light-socket, would you do it?

[on the phone]
Marty: Grabelski! What the hell's going on? Some guy on TV said you killed somebody!
Max: I know, but it's not true. I was set up. I gotta know if there's another package for Timberline Inc., to Reinhart Bragdon.
Marty: What the hell's Reinhart Bragdon got to do with anything?
Max: Because that's the guy I killed!
Marty: Oh, so you did kill somebody.
Max: No, I told you I was framed!

Max: Two packs of Marlboro's, some snowballs and a jumbo coke.

Fishman: Sir, would it be ok if we called you Spider?
Max: Why the h - - would you wanna call me that?
Gordy: Because it's your nick name.
Max: Well fine then. Call me Spider!
Fishman: Spider. Spider. Spider!
Max: WHAT?
Fishman: How come your nick name's Spider?
Max: Because I once killed a kid who called me Spider, one time too many!
Fishman: Yeah, but how could he call you Spider one time too many if your nick name wasn't already Spider?

[scouts singing]
Max: Alright! Knock it off! What is that? We run and dance and sing and play?
Gordy: My mom kinda wrote the words.
Max: Well they suck! Okay?

Jack Erickson: God bless those little scouts!
Agent Palmer: What? What do you see?
Jack Erickson: Smoke signals! Right by the book.
Agent Palmer: Oh, yeah!
Jack Erickson: Well, almost.
Agent Palmer: What do they say?
Jack Erickson: Belp! Belp!

Dana's father: What the hell gave you the right to take away Dana?
Mrs. Patterson: He had a permission slip like everyone else.
Dana's father: You don't know the difference between my signature and a little ten year olds?

[making smoke signals]
Fishman: Ok, it's two longs and one short. No, no, no, stop. Stop wait. Two shorts and one long.
Barnhill: Oh great! What are we supposed to do, cross that letter out?

Max: Watcha making?
Gordy: It's a crystal-dialed receiver. You know what that is, right?
Max: Yeah, of course I do. That is a beauty.
Gordy: That's the toolbox.

[Boys are peeing off of a ledge]
Max: Shake your lizards, let 'em drain. Move your hips and...
Everyone: Spell your name!
Max: Send it straight, send it hard. Now a sword fight, go...
Everyone: On guard!
Max: Eat your veggies, eat your starches. Lean back boys...
Everyone: Golden arches!
Max: Alright! Now flip them and zip them and let's get going!

Max: Let me tell you something, honey. There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
Fishman: Spider, I'm afraid, too.
Max: Shut up, you gutless worm! I'm talkin' to her!

Max: Now you are going to pretend to be me.
Jack Erickson: Give yourself up boy.
Max: Gimme that glue!
Jack Erickson: You still have a chance to be a fine young scout!
Max: Where is that glue?
Jack Erickson: Top pocket.
Max: Put your palms up.
[spits off the top of the glue and spreads glue on the wheel]
Max: Now grab hold of the wheel.
Jack Erickson: Are you nuts?
Max: I said grab the wheel. Come on, I have a gun for Christ sake!
Jack Erickson: You're going to pay for this mister
Max: [spreads glue on top of the wheel] Now put your chin there.
Jack Erickson: You know this stuff is permanent.
Max: Do it!
Jack Erickson: Ohh sh... Hey! I can't drive like this!
Max: Keep heading south and don't stop driving until you get to Mexico and I'm going to be right behind you the whole time.
[removes the rear view mirror]
Max: Don't try any funny and I'll blow your butt off, got it?
Jack Erickson: Yeah I got it, keep driving, no funny stuff, blow butt off.
Max: [hesitates then answers] Right!

Max: [being stopped by a group of senior citizens walking across with mountain bikes] What is this, a parade?
[honks]
Max: Come on! Would you move your wrinkled asses? I'm in a hurry here!
[old man laughs and waves at him, mocking wave and laugh back]
Max: [laughs] I'm gonna run you over!

Max: [walks out of a tobacco station and reads the note on the car window] I am an inconsiderate person?
[Jack comes out of the door]
Max: Hey, Sgt. Doofus, did you paste that note onto my window?
Jack Erickson: That's right, cupcake!

[little kid rides up on a tricycle]
Kid: Can I play too?
Scouts: AAAAHHHH!
Barnhill: Little kid, go home.
Gordy: We're not playing, we're practicing.
Kid: You guys are silly.

[looking at a Playboy]
Ralph: Whoa! Whoa! Let me see. I bet you've never seen anything like this before, huh, Barnhill. You probably don't even know about the birds and the bees, you butthead.
Kelsey: Oh, and you do?
Ralph: Yeah. That's right, I do.
Kelsey: Oh yeah? Go ahead and explain it to us.
Ralph: Well, I... Uh, I know it's about making babies. And I know it takes a man *and* a woman to make it work right. And that they both have to go into a room. And they both take their shirts off.
Fishman: No! No, no, no. The man doesn't have to take his shirt off. Just the woman!

Barnhill: Hey! Check it out! Len Strader's in her underwear!
Dana: Let me see!
Barnhill: Sorry. She just ducked behind McClipman's house.
Dana: Barnhill, you're such a liar.
Barnhill: You're such a shrimp.

[Gordy's hanging from a ledge]
Max: Hey kid, how's it hanging? Alright, Gordy, I'm coming down to get you.
Gordy: No! You don't know what you're doing!
Max: Of course I do! I'm the Lizard! Remember?
Gordy: You mean the Spider?
Max: Right.

Gordy: My mom says the guy who's taking us has hiked all over the world.
Barnhill: I'm sure he won't be half as good as the guy me and my dad had on our trip to the Serengeti.
Ralph: Barnhill, if you're dad is so friggin' cool, then why isn't he our scout leader?
Barnhill: Oh yeah. Spies have a lot of time for the scouts.

Ralph: Nice dolls.
Barnhill: Did you bring a pretty pink umbrella too, in case it starts to rain?
Kelsey: No, I figured we could all just crouch under a pair of your underwear and wait it out.

Ralph: We finally get to go on an overnight, and we end up at Grand Central Station.
Gordy: It's better than my backyard.
Ralph: Not by much.

Jack Erickson: Let's get vertical.
[starts climbing]
Agent Palmer: You expect me to climb up there with just my hands?
Jack Erickson: That's right, dough boy, that's the way to do it.
Agent Palmer: How about when you get to the top you throw me down a ladder?

Barnhill: Hey, Spider. We just pissed on some guy's head!

Jack Erickson: You might say I'm the thin khaki line between morality and depravity.

Jack Erickson: That's what's wrong with this country, everybody wants it NOW.

Jack Erickson: I teach my kids to hunt down the goodness in life.

Gordy: He didn't know the difference in a beehive and a pine cone?
Kelsey: What're you getting at?
Gordy: I don't know.

Kelsey: Oh my God, we're trapped with a murderer!
Gordy: A psycho murderer!
Fishman: I don't think they cover that in here.
[the scout manual]

Max Grabelski: What did you call me?
Milton Fishman: Uh, I called you, Polinski. I had a Dr. Polinski once. I don't know why but you sorta remind me of him.
Max Grabelski: No... . you called me Grabelski. How did you know my name?
Max Grabelski: How did you know my name? I want some answers!

Jack Erickson: Don't you dare! There's a Scout out on that bridge!

Dana: [in the background when Max gets out of the scout leader's truck] It's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Kid in Car: [after Max steals a lady's blue Volvo car to get to Devils Peak] Hey, mister.
Max: [turns around] Huh?
Kid in Car: [in the back seat with a banana] I gotta make a dookie.
[Max gives the kid a very disgusted look]
Kid in Car: I gotta make a dookie!

Max: [Having a difficult time trying to untie Mrs. Patterson who is roped to a chair] So, it's not a figure-eight, it's not a butterfly, and it's not a fisherman's.
Reinhart Bragdon: It's a clove hitch.
Max: Ah. Thank you.
[Realizes Bragdon is behind them and panics]
Reinhart Bragdon: [Aiming a pistol at Max] I learned it in the Scouts.

Reinhart Bragdon: It shouldn't be this hard to kill six little Scouts and one moron.
Agent Palmer: Relax. What we couldn't do, Mother Nature did for us.

[Palmer shoves Max towards a helicopter at gunpoint]
Max: What is with you and the pushing? I want to speak to your superior! Is that him?
[Bragdon gets out of the helicopter and faces Max and Palmer]
Max: Mr. Bragdon? Mr. Bragdon! You're alive!
[turns to Palmer]
Max: Hey, he's alive!
Reinhart Bragdon: Hello, Maxwell.
Max: Listen, it's over.
[points at Palmer]
Max: This guy is an FBI agent. You gotta give yourself up! So what? So the plan blew up in your face! The important thing is, you have your health.
[notices Bragdon's smile]
Max: And... your teeth.
[realising]
Max: Wait a minute. Your teeth? I thought they found your teeth in the fire.
Reinhart Bragdon: Yes, it was a bit inconvenient having them all pulled, but at a million dollars a tooth...
[smiles]
Reinhart Bragdon: . I think it was well worth it.
Max: Huh?
Reinhart Bragdon: Kill him.
Max: Kill him?
[points at Palmer]
Max: I can't kill *him*! He's just doing his job!
Reinhart Bragdon: [chuckling] No, no, Maxwell, not him.
[coldly]
Reinhart Bragdon: You.
Max: Me?
[turns to face Palmer, who has his gun aimed between Max's eyes]
Max: Wait a minute.
[faces Bragdon]
Max: You guys are in this together?
[points at Palmer]
Max: He's in on this?
[Bragdon nods; Max faces Palmer; points at Bragdon]
Max: And you were with him?
[Palmer nods]
Max: Ooh!
Reinhart Bragdon: [to Palmer] And when you're done with him, make sure you kill the kids.
Max: [horrified] The kids?
Agent Palmer: [shoves Max away] Come on, move it!

Dana: Who's Max?
Max: [a little long pause] Max? Who's Max? Max... .is all of us, because we are going to push ourselves to the max.

Max: [Sees a cub and walks up to it, pets it] It's Winnie the Pooh. Hey, boo boo. What's the matter? You lost? Huh? No collar. Must be a stray.

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