- The Leprechaun: I'm going to have to make a few alterations, but afterward you should be able to bear a full litter.
- Waiter: Just pay up and get out of here.
- Leprechaun: So it's me gold you be wanting?
- Waiter: Gold Card, Visa, Master, I'd prefer cash, but maybe you're a little short.
- [laughs hysterically]
- Waiter: Ha ha, aw you kill me.
- Leprechaun: Now there's an idea!
- Leprechaun: Scream as you may! Scream as you might! If you try to escape, you'll be dead on this night.
- Leprechaun: [Drunk] Pour all you want, pour all you can, you won't beat me, 'cause I'm a Lepre*CAN*. Mph! Cahn.
- Cody: You can't drive the tour.
- Morty: Why not?
- Cody: Because you're plastered!
- Morty: What difference does that make? Now, never forget rule number one.
- Cody: I know, never turn down a paying customer.
- Morty: I may be a little loose, but I am not so far gone that I would turn away a packed hearse.
- [Morty drunkenly tries to exit the bathroom, but walks into a toilet]
- Morty: Of course, there's always rule number two.
- Cody: Which is?
- Morty: Never kill a paying customer.
- The Leprechaun: What do you think of your bridal chamber?
- Bridget: It... it's awful!
- The Leprechaun: I know it lacks a woman's touch, but you'll change that.
- Leprechaun: We'll have to make some changes to your face as well. 'Tis a fair face, but the wee ones won't suckle if you don't look like them. They can be very demanding at times. Many changes. Many changes.
- Leprechaun: Do you wish me out of the safe?
- Morty: Yes, goddammit! I wish you out of the safe! Where the hell are you?
- Leprechaun: You'll have to open the door. It's wrought iron. Remember? Didn't you read the book?
- Morty: I should've returned that book to the library 5 years ago! I don't know what you saw, but leprechauns don't exist!
- Leprechaun: What's that ya say? Leprechauns don't exist?
- Cody: Sure, walk away! I understand. If hearing the actual sound of Jayne Mansfield's head being severed from her body is too intense for you, well then, you know, more power to ya.
- Leprechaun: [Showing Bridgette the skeleton of William O'Day] A little family reunion. You have his cheek bones.
- Leprechaun: A curse be placed upon your seed, William O'Day. You may have saved your daughter, but on me next thousandth birthday, I'll stalk your fairest offspring and claim her as me bride! Ha ha ha ha ha! Happy St. Patrick's Day.
- Leprechaun: It's the 17th of March. The feast of St. Patrick.
- William O'Day: And your birthday.
- Leprechaun: 'Tis a special birthday for a leprechaun. I'm 1,000 years old. Tonight, I can claim me bride.
- Morty: Okay so you found a gold coin and it looks like the one in this book. It's probably worth some cash. But this leprechaun stuff...
- Cody: Listen, it says "Leprechauns are devious creatures. They live for trickery, even get pleasure out of it".
- Morty: Cody, if you were taking some dope you would tell me, right?
- [the Leprechaun manifests a topless Bridget in front of Ian]
- Leprechaun: A vision before you appears to be true. But a leprechaun's magic fools humans like you.
- Man Dressed as Leprechaun: [Bumps into Cody when entering the men's room] Watch it, nosebleed!